TKR Gingerbread's RTKR Recovery Marathon

[Gingerbread]

I would never encourage people to lie to their spouses, but if he's not there with you every minute, does your husband really know how many exercises you're doing? You can do some without doing boot camp and can still tell him honestly that you're doing exercises.

You are really overworking the knee. You can keep going at this pace but your knee will not be happy with you. This is in your hands.

He is with me at PT. I have't been doing the exercises on my days off. He doesn't pressure me to either, but I know he would like it.
My knee made progress flexion wise without me doing any PT at home between the last PT session and yesterday. That in itself should have shown him I'm right, but he agreed with the PT that they need to push my knee.

 

[Sisterpat]

Well, it’s your knee and when push comes to shove, you are the only one who can decide how to handle your recovery.
Have you shared any of the success stories from BoneSmart with your husband?

 

[Jockette]

Have you shared any of the success stories from BoneSmart with your husband?

Here‘s my favorite success story:

This is what one of our members, TortiTabby, experienced:

(Just so you know, ADL means Activities of Daily Living.)

“At my six week appointment this is what my OS wrote in my visit summary: "She reads an online website called Bone Smart which states to not push through pain following knee replacement. If she were to follow this direction, she will have to learn to live with a knee that only reaches to 85 degrees of flexion. I believe this website is very misleading."
It has now been 20 weeks and all I do is ADL and this is what my ROM has done:
3.5 wks: 75
6 wks: 85
7 wks: 90
10.5 wks: 95
14 wks: 100
17 wks: 105
20 weeks (where I am today): 110
I am so thrilled it keeps improving and improving and I know now that I will get to my goal of 120 (or even better, dare I say!)
So, if a OS or PT bullies you into thinking your ROM will not improve over time they are wrong. By the way, I haven't been back to see the OS since that horrible appointment at 6 weeks, but I sure am going back when I reach 120 just to say, "Ha! You were wrong, BoneSmart was right!" “

And,

“Just an update for those who are apprehensive about gaining ROM:
It has now been 26 weeks and all I do is ADL and this is what my ROM has done:
3.5 wks: 75
6 wks: 85
7 wks: 90
10.5 wks: 95
14 wks: 100
17 wks: 105
20 weeks: 110
26 weeks (where I am today): 120!!!
I did it! My goal of 120! No "pushing through pain", no PT after the first 3 visits, and most importantly to me: No MUA! My surgeon who said I would never get beyond 85 ROM without pushing through pain was wrong, wrong, wrong. I'm excited to see if it gets even better. “

 

[Gingerbread]

Well, it’s your knee and when push comes to shove, you are the only one who can decide how to handle your recovery.
Have you shared any of the success stories from BoneSmart with your husband?

I have. He is still sick; exhausted, just wants this to be over asap. We have a few other things in our life which are causing a lot of stress so I understand his hesitancy. I understand there is no "pushing" this recovery though, so we'll see how this goes.

 

[Gingerbread]

Have you shared any of the success stories from BoneSmart with your husband?

Here‘s my favorite success story:

This is what one of our members, TortiTabby, experienced:

(Just so you know, ADL means Activities of Daily Living.)

“At my six week appointment this is what my OS wrote in my visit summary: "She reads an online website called Bone Smart which states to not push through pain following knee replacement. If she were to follow this direction, she will have to learn to live with a knee that only reaches to 85 degrees of flexion. I believe this website is very misleading."
It has now been 20 weeks and all I do is ADL and this is what my ROM has done:
3.5 wks: 75
6 wks: 85
7 wks: 90
10.5 wks: 95
14 wks: 100
17 wks: 105
20 weeks (where I am today): 110
I am so thrilled it keeps improving and improving and I know now that I will get to my goal of 120 (or even better, dare I say!)
So, if a OS or PT bullies you into thinking your ROM will not improve over time they are wrong. By the way, I haven't been back to see the OS since that horrible appointment at 6 weeks, but I sure am going back when I reach 120 just to say, "Ha! You were wrong, BoneSmart was right!" “

And,

“Just an update for those who are apprehensive about gaining ROM:
It has now been 26 weeks and all I do is ADL and this is what my ROM has done:
3.5 wks: 75
6 wks: 85
7 wks: 90
10.5 wks: 95
14 wks: 100
17 wks: 105
20 weeks: 110
26 weeks (where I am today): 120!!!
I did it! My goal of 120! No "pushing through pain", no PT after the first 3 visits, and most importantly to me: No MUA! My surgeon who said I would never get beyond 85 ROM without pushing through pain was wrong, wrong, wrong. I'm excited to see if it gets even better. “

I love this story.
I believe this could be me but unfortunately I won't get the chance to find out.
Also, if I am at 26 weeks (6 months) and not that far along, I'm sure I'll be blamed for not doing enough PT.

 

[beesknee]

Wow. I guess there is always more to the story but I would tell your husband to stay out of your PT sessions as it is causing you more pain and stress. I guess he probably drives you but he can wait in the car or waiting room. Your recovery is your recovery. Mental stress this situation is causing you only can make things worse.

I had stress from my wife, but mostly for ruining the family summer by having this done July 1. She finally stopped complaining when I told her 'You may be upset we can't go boating, but I am upset and worrying about being half crippled from this for the rest of my life". After I told her that she has been much more understanding. Kind of put things in perspective.

I'll keep my nose out of this moving forward as I probably already said too much.

To me, it is not a success story to be at 120 ROM after 6 months. 120 is where one becomes marginally functional. I'll do my daily PT exercises (but not pushing past pain) if they help me get to 120 plus in half that time. I suppose it depends on what you want out of life.

I am between 110 and 115 ROM at 8 weeks and highly disappointed and sick of my peg leg. Based on how I feel, at 115ish, I think I need to get to 130 to feel almost as good as I did pre-op. I would even agree to an MUA if it gets me above 120 in half that time as long as the doctor convinced me that an mua won't give me a new set of long term issues.

 

[Jamie]

FMLA does not have a means to force work schedules on employers. Much like others have mentioned, you need to stand tall and negotiate your work schedule with your supervisor. I like the idea of going in with guns blazing and telling your boss that your health is suffering and they need to accept you at half days for a while until you can do more or you'll just have to request the full FMLA. It would be helpful if you could get your surgeon to write a note saying that you should only be doing half days for "x" number of weeks. Ask to see if he would do that for you. If you had that, it is pretty difficult for a boss to deny it.

One thing you need to take seriously is your level of constant pain. Keeping your body inflamed like you're doing will lengthen your recovery. You're in an acute pain situation right now. This means the pain will stop if you stop allowing your knee to be pushed to levels it's not ready for, ice, and take something for your pain (like Tylenol and/or an NSAID if you can take them). But, if you continue the way you're going, your pain could change to a chronic (long-lasting) condition. This is much more difficult to treat and sometimes it never goes away. We've had members who worked themselves into chronic pain or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) and believe me, you don't want this to happen.

I also agree that it would be helpful to ask that your husband wait in the waiting room or the car and not go in with the therapist. This needs to be your time with your PT and it's pretty difficult to establish the correct bond if someone else is sitting there and possibly putting their two cents in during the session.

I'm sorry you're in this position and obviously no one here knows what else is on your plate. I just hate to see you jeopardize your health like you're doing. The consequences of that could be more dire than whatever else might happen if you slowed things down for a while and let your knee recover.

 

[Gingerbread]

Thank you again for such a thoughtful reply.
I have a question for you @MerlinWizard, and everyone with a spouse/mate. Have they had to sleep in another room because of you now? My husband is down on the couch the past week and a half because he's been so sick from caring for me and because of my constant moving around. I still wake him every night to change the ice in my machine, which I feel dreadful for, but I try to do it myself and he gets up to help me anyway.
How did you cope with this? I miss my husband, I miss being a "normal" functioning adult, I just want my life back.

 

[Gingerbread]

One thing you need to take seriously is your level of constant pain. Keeping your body inflamed like you're doing will lengthen your recovery. You're in an acute pain situation right now. This means the pain will stop if you stop allowing your knee to be pushed to levels it's not ready for, ice, and take something for your pain (like Tylenol and/or an NSAID if you can take them). But, if you continue the way you're going, your pain could change to a chronic (long-lasting) condition. This is much more difficult to treat and sometimes it never goes away. We've had members who worked themselves into chronic pain or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) and believe me, you don't want this to happen.

I never thought about chronic pain long term.
I've had this knee and back pain my entire adult life but never to this extent obviously.
I may ask my doctor for a note to work PT. I doubt my job will go for it, but it's worth a try.
I have an interview at another company September 8, for a different type of position. If hired, I'm hoping I can defer the start date until mid-late October. If you can't tell, I really want out of the current one.
I hope I can find a good solution with therapy. Some of the exercises aren't bad at all. It's the bending and pushing the knee ones after I've done all the exercises...it's like, I can't believe someone created that protocol and thought "yeah, this works"

 

[Gingerbread]

I had stress from my wife, but mostly for ruining the family summer by having this done July 1. She finally stopped complaining when I told her 'You may be upset we can't go boating, but I am upset and worrying about being half crippled from this for the rest of my life". After I told her that she has been much more understanding. Kind of put things in perspective.

I understand. I wanted to have this done over the winter but my husband is a teacher and he has summers off so he insisted I do it when he could care for me. Alternately, this took time away from him with my step kids (18 & 15). He lashed out at me furiously for that the other day. My daughters are 28 & 25 and up and out; he stepped in as my ex dropped out of their lives all together. He is resentful that he spent more time with my girls than now his own kids (his custody is 50/50). I'm saying too much here but it feels good to just get it out. I'm being blamed for ruining the summer, ruining time with my step kids, ruining everything. It's hard not to feel like a failure.

 

[Jockette]

Lots of us couples sleep separately for a while during this recovery, it’s just courteous to do that for each other since sleep can be such an issue for both.

I‘m sorry that your husband and job are not more compassionate towards what you are going through.

 

[sistersinhim]

You don't need your husband to take care of you. Many of us are single and went through this recovery mostly by ourselves. You are at the stage of healing where you can get your own light meals, ice, and other such things. No one should be putting the blame on you for their own decisions. He insisted you have this surgery when you did, not you. Tell him to watch a live TKR on a YouTube. Just maybe he'd be a little more companionate towards you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are welcome to come here and vent any time you want to. We care.

I wish you success in your new job search! Your current boss sounds unreasonable.

 

[beesknee]

I had stress from my wife, but mostly for ruining the family summer by having this done July 1. She finally stopped complaining when I told her 'You may be upset we can't go boating, but I am upset and worrying about being half crippled from this for the rest of my life". After I told her that she has been much more understanding. Kind of put things in perspective.

I understand. I wanted to have this done over the winter but my husband is a teacher and he has summers off so he insisted I do it when he could care for me. Alternately, this took time away from him with my step kids (18 & 15). He lashed out at me furiously for that the other day. My daughters are 28 & 25 and up and out; he stepped in as my ex dropped out of their lives all together. He is resentful that he spent more time with my girls than now his own kids (his custody is 50/50). I'm saying too much here but it feels good to just get it out. I'm being blamed for ruining the summer, ruining time with my step kids, ruining everything. It's hard not to feel like a failure.

We have slept in the same bed from the start. It was only the first 3 days that I had to get up and pee 4 times a night for some reason. Light on clunking in pain to bathroom with walker.

Now I just lay on my back all night and often sleep straight through to my alarm. So I guess at least this was not an issue.

We are both heavy sleepers so if we get woken up we pass right back out quickly.

My wife says I sleep like a corpse. I wake up in same position I fall asleep. Yesterday the top of my toe hurt from the blanket laying on top of my toe for several hours in same position all night.

Funny because during my younger and more vulnerable years, my various lady friends would complain about all my tossing and turning waking them up all night. I am getting old I guess.

 

[Gingerbread]

Lots of us couples sleep separately for a while during this recovery, it’s just courteous to do that for each other since sleep can be such an issue for both.

I‘m sorry that your husband and job are not more compassionate towards what you are going through.

Thank you. I feel like such a burden. As a nurse, (although I don't work in care giving capacity anymore) it is antithesis for me to be on the receiving end of care. My self esteem truly came from helping others.
I can't do that now due to my ailments and that's also depressing (why I work in the capacity I do now).

 

[Gingerbread]

You don't need your husband to take care of you. Many of us are single and went through this recovery mostly by ourselves. You are at the stage of healing where you can get your own light meals, ice, and other such things. No one should be putting the blame on you for their own decisions. He insisted you have this surgery when you did, not you. Tell him to watch a live TKR on a YouTube. Just maybe he'd be a little more companionate towards you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are welcome to come here and vent any time you want to. We care.

I wish you success in your new job search! Your current boss sounds unreasonable.

You are so kind. I did this knee replacement so we could get on with our lives. Now he is blaming me for not looking into it better, not knowing my recovery would be so terrible, or could be so long and drawn out. I did research! Most of what I found was the "fairytale" version. I should have dug deeper. I should have drawn on my knowledge of working with rehab patients. Bu then again, they only stayed with us a few weeks on our floor. They were older; silly me thought I'd be different.
I really pray this new opportunity pans out.

 

[sistersinhim]

I pray it does, too, and I pray your husband gives you a break. He's only making it much worse. Is there somewhere you can go for a couple of months to get away from him? Your long-term health depends on your slowing down and letting that poor baby knee heal.

 

[MerlinWizard]

Thank you again for such a thoughtful reply.
I have a question for you @MerlinWizard, and everyone with a spouse/mate. Have they had to sleep in another room because of you now? My husband is down on the couch the past week and a half because he's been so sick from caring for me and because of my constant moving around. I still wake him every night to change the ice in my machine, which I feel dreadful for, but I try to do it myself and he gets up to help me anyway.
How did you cope with this? I miss my husband, I miss being a "normal" functioning adult, I just want my life back.

For the first month, I slept in a recliner. That recliner is in the middle of everything in our lives. She grew weary of me always sleeping there. That's only because she is disabled and home all day and I was invading her normal space. When I reminded her of the people we have cared for who were in what we call "the surgery recliner" who were in our home in the middle of everything for up to a month, she kind of backed off. But it will still a point of contention.

The last thing I do before I close my eyes at night is look at my wife. That was hard for me not being able to do so. Also, I had spent so many years taking care of her that after the first few days I just took care of myself going forward. She would help when she was awake but if she wasn't I wouldn't bother her.

Over that first month I tried desperately to sleep in bed. I had both knees done at the same time so it just wasn't happening. She only grew weary of me if I did it in the early morning hours. But overall she was a good sport with it.

When it comes to sleeping, we have a king sized bed (long story why) but let's suffice to say I sleep on the very edge sliver of it anyway (same story why). So it's infrequent that she will even touch me while sleeping - but has occasionally. While I am not a small guy, I do know the space I take up and I try very hard not to infringe on the space of others. So there is no conflict there in our bed.

I think as patients we don't see what our spouses go through. I am in somewhat of a unique position because I have cared for my wife for so long that it's just part of life now. I know my wife had no idea how much care I had and have given her until she had to reciprocate. She was very afraid that I was going to die in the hospital. Her fear was irrational but she had never seen me over the course of our lives in that much pain unable to care completely for myself. We've known each other basically our entire lives. To her it was a complete shock to the point she wanted me to go to rehab after the hospital because she didn't think she could care for me. That first 24 hours at home not only was I fighting with the surgery but also my wife's irrational fears. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. She'd have to hold the recliner while I got in it so it didn't slip and she would make irrational comments and were to be honest, pretty mean. But, it got better.

Today my wife through her own experience with her own knees just this week can't imagine the pain I was in all of those years while I took care of her. Her knees are in the cortisone shot stage and she says the pain is really bad. She still has space between her bones and her kneecap is wearing but nothing is bone on bone like I was for however long. She has really gone out of her way this week to let me know how much she respects not only how I have gone through this process but also how much I have done for her knowing just how bad the pain I was in was.

We've been together nearly 40 years and married for 32 so at this point in our relationship, I know things in time will work themselves out. Just remember that that men don't process emotions the same and your husband is also on this journey and working with him to address his emotions and feelings is paramount to you both having your relationship survive this.

It's always about Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and sometimes I think we can get complacent in our relationships so it's always important to take a step back and review, reset and try.

 

[MerlinWizard]

I would never encourage people to lie to their spouses, but if he's not there with you every minute, does your husband really know how many exercises you're doing? You can do some without doing boot camp and can still tell him honestly that you're doing exercises.

You are really overworking the knee. You can keep going at this pace but your knee will not be happy with you. This is in your hands.

I would never actively encourage people to lie to anyone. BUT (big butt ) we all know there is a certain amount of white lying in relationships just to keep the peace.

For example; My wife knows to NEVER ask me if she looks fat in a dress unless she wants an honest answer. So, she has curtailed her question about her trying on a dress to "what do you think?". I may be thinking OMG H-e-l-l No, but that isn't my response. I just tell her I don't care for the way it looks on her. By the same token, if she really likes something and I personally don't like it, I will say the same thing. If she likes it and I have no opinion I will tell her she looks "fine".

Where I always get stuck is if she isn't sure and I REALLY like it on her, I will tell her how beautiful she is and she will tell me that I am biased and my opinion doesn't matter !

Now that I have given out my secrets, remember that there is give and take in any relationship, there are always two sides and somewhere in the middle is not only the truth but also the compromise.

 

[Gingerbread]

I would never encourage people to lie to their spouses, but if he's not there with you every minute, does your husband really know how many exercises you're doing? You can do some without doing boot camp and can still tell him honestly that you're doing exercises.

You are really overworking the knee. You can keep going at this pace but your knee will not be happy with you. This is in your hands.

I would never actively encourage people to lie to anyone. BUT (big butt ) we all know there is a certain amount of white lying in relationships just to keep the peace.

For example; My wife knows to NEVER ask me if she looks fat in a dress unless she wants an honest answer. So, she has curtailed her question about her trying on a dress to "what do you think?". I may be thinking OMG H-e-l-l No, but that isn't my response. I just tell her I don't care for the way it looks on her. By the same token, if she really likes something and I personally don't like it, I will say the same thing. If she likes it and I have no opinion I will tell her she looks "fine".

Where I always get stuck is if she isn't sure and I REALLY like it on her, I will tell her how beautiful she is and she will tell me that I am biased and my opinion doesn't matter !

Now that I have given out my secrets, remember that there is give and take in any relationship, there are always two sides and somewhere in the middle is not only the truth but also the compromise.

I agree about compromise. Having a male POV is much appreciated. You're also right...it's a delicate balancing act with appeasing your mate, on both sides!

 

[Gingerbread]

Thank you again for such a thoughtful reply.
I have a question for you @MerlinWizard, and everyone with a spouse/mate. Have they had to sleep in another room because of you now? My husband is down on the couch the past week and a half because he's been so sick from caring for me and because of my constant moving around. I still wake him every night to change the ice in my machine, which I feel dreadful for, but I try to do it myself and he gets up to help me anyway.
How did you cope with this? I miss my husband, I miss being a "normal" functioning adult, I just want my life back.

For the first month, I slept in a recliner. That recliner is in the middle of everything in our lives. She grew weary of me always sleeping there. That's only because she is disabled and home all day and I was invading her normal space. When I reminded her of the people we have cared for who were in what we call "the surgery recliner" who were in our home in the middle of everything for up to a month, she kind of backed off. But it will still a point of contention.

The last thing I do before I close my eyes at night is look at my wife. That was hard for me not being able to do so. Also, I had spent so many years taking care of her that after the first few days I just took care of myself going forward. She would help when she was awake but if she wasn't I wouldn't bother her.

Over that first month I tried desperately to sleep in bed. I had both knees done at the same time so it just wasn't happening. She only grew weary of me if I did it in the early morning hours. But overall she was a good sport with it.

When it comes to sleeping, we have a king sized bed (long story why) but let's suffice to say I sleep on the very edge sliver of it anyway (same story why). So it's infrequent that she will even touch me while sleeping - but has occasionally. While I am not a small guy, I do know the space I take up and I try very hard not to infringe on the space of others. So there is no conflict there in our bed.

I think as patients we don't see what our spouses go through. I am in somewhat of a unique position because I have cared for my wife for so long that it's just part of life now. I know my wife had no idea how much care I had and have given her until she had to reciprocate. She was very afraid that I was going to die in the hospital. Her fear was irrational but she had never seen me over the course of our lives in that much pain unable to care completely for myself. We've known each other basically our entire lives. To her it was a complete shock to the point she wanted me to go to rehab after the hospital because she didn't think she could care for me. That first 24 hours at home not only was I fighting with the surgery but also my wife's irrational fears. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. She'd have to hold the recliner while I got in it so it didn't slip and she would make irrational comments and were to be honest, pretty mean. But, it got better.

Today my wife through her own experience with her own knees just this week can't imagine the pain I was in all of those years while I took care of her. Her knees are in the cortisone shot stage and she says the pain is really bad. She still has space between her bones and her kneecap is wearing but nothing is bone on bone like I was for however long. She has really gone out of her way this week to let me know how much she respects not only how I have gone through this process but also how much I have done for her knowing just how bad the pain I was in was.

We've been together nearly 40 years and married for 32 so at this point in our relationship, I know things in time will work themselves out. Just remember that that men don't process emotions the same and your husband is also on this journey and working with him to address his emotions and feelings is paramount to you both having your relationship survive this.

It's always about Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and sometimes I think we can get complacent in our relationships so it's always important to take a step back and review, reset and try.

Thank you so much for this. You and your wife sound like a pretty amazing couple.
You'r right about him handling emotions differently. Sometimes I'm all over the place, while he tries to keep me on a steady course.
My husband loves me to the moon and back. Right now we are also dealing with (have been) his father who is dying from a form of ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). So to say he has been stretched thin is an understatement. He has been short with me but in the grand scheme of it all, he just needs a break, and it never comes. Something bad has seemed to happen everyday.