Well, I think I had a mental break-through today and came to some realizations/conclusions
(I think better when I write it out....)
Part 1
1) I need to ditch my pre-op hopes/dreams. This recovery is going to be similar to the other TKR. My hopes of being different were never realistic----it was probably a trauma response so my brain would let me walk through the hospital doors.
2) I need to let my ANGER and resentment about the pain go too. It's just keeping me mad & emotional. There's enough Oxycodone in my system that I don't need anything
else keeping me emotional.
3) One of my son's favorite phrases is
"It is what it is!" He's had to persevere through way too much in his young life, and it hasn't been fair. Well, I wasn't promised this TKR would be easier/simpler, was I? This recovery has been unique and interesting so far,
and it just is what it is.
Part 2-I also did a lot of reading/researching online in the last 24-36 hrs.
1)
There's almost zero research into post-operative recovery experiences for autoimmune patients undergoing joint replacements. The data focuses only on final outcomes, meaning did this group get full function back? (Yes, they did)--- Those results help none of us when we're crying 3 weeks (or 4 months!!) after a TKR with symptoms seemingly worse than everyone else.
The only "recovery symptoms" chart I found showed initial pain after replacement surgery is definitely higher in those with an inflammatory and/or autoimmune condition. So YES!! The extra pain is real!! Woohoo for Validation!!!
2) I DID find a small sampling of posts from other patients asking
"Why do I still hurt so much, swell so much, and need so much narcotic pain medication 3-4 months out from a TKR?" The thing these patients and I have in common is the
autoimmune disease. Further digging found apparently the immune system has an inflammatory response to surgery to promote healing. So if one has an autoimmune disease, they
probably have a stronger inflammatory response to surgery (meaning more swelling and pain). It's also seen in autoimmune patients having major or even minor surgery that they often experience a flare-up of their symptoms post-op.
[[This may explain why my psoriasis popped up in odd places & in abundance over the last 8-9 days. Plus my hands hurt A LOT (one of my common areas of PsA inflammation). I'd been blaming it on the walker.]]
3) For those of us with an autoimmune disorder & bad recovery experiences, we're in that group of patients that Just Don't Fit!! We're the subject of many assumptions:
a) did we really do what the Drs/PTs told us?
b) we must be emotionally weak,
c) apparently we can't handle pain (
because it can't be THAT bad, right??!!), and
d) we probably did something wrong. With all of that, it's no wonder we're frustrated, think we're crazy, and mad at the world, asking why we ever went through with this (Or did it AGAIN!!).
Part 3-Tomorrow
1) I accept the fact this recovery turned rough because my body was predisposed to having a hard recovery. Whatever the surgeon put into my knee during surgery MUST have worn off around the 4-5 day mark. Then the bike added inflammation and compounded it daily.
2) I'm calling the surgeon and telling him of my increasing symptoms. He needs to know, and I want it documented for when I need to request more pain meds.
3) No more downplaying how bad things are to friends/family, especially my husband & son. I was worried they'd think I was a baby & being negative. I kept trying to be my usual Super Mom. I don't care anymore. I don't lie well, & trying to hide it is making me very resentful.
4) I already talked to my husband tonight, & we tweaked the medication schedule. He agrees I need to add an oxycodone at 6 PM every evening until we see a significant improvement. Getting behind the pain every night is NOT a good thing just because I didn't want to depend on the oxycodone. My body keeps getting mad around 7-8 each night, and we need to head that off.
OK, that's my brain-dump. I feel better. Thanks to anyone one who actually makes it through all of this mental mumbo-jumbo.
It's nice to have it when I need to refer back for validation or a pick-me-up.
United States
The weird medial knee pain came back today around 7:15 PM just out of the blue, for seemingly o reason. No one was home, and I really needed a bathroom break and had to walk on it. Afterwards, I just cried and cried for 20 minutes. I think I had a mental breath-through though which I write about separately. 
Thanks again for the ideas!!!
Thanks again, and I do think focusing on what IS, vs what should have been, is much healthier.
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That's so sweet of you.
My mother-in-law brought me lunch, my favorite dessert, a card with some $ for "online therapy,", then we talked for a good hour. My husband gave me much more---He's always been that guy who's love language is doing things for others instead of the typical flowers/presents. He's been working his butt off between a full-time job, taking care of me, the household, his martial arts school, and himself as he's been under the weather all week. 
happy birthday!!!!!
