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Don't be like me and wait too long!

I remember those early days following surgery last time, @mainegirl1, where I was using my cell phone to communicate with folks, and cursing away at that teensy-weensy screen the whole time. But, truly, my phone was my lifeline and I was grateful for it.

Sounds like a tough situation with your husband (although if he cooks, he's a keeper from my point of view!) as the difficult (or almost non-existent sometimes) communication style creates problems for you, especially when you're not feeling well. But, if he's good at carrying out tasks when assigned, I guess I'd just suck it up and give him "orders". If he can't hear, then I'd write it down for him. It's unfortunate he's not great at empathy and can't do a better job anticipating your needs but it is what it is and, despite how frustrating it must be, I hope you are able to call on him to help you out, especially when you're feeling vulnerable and really need the help.

Hang in there, just another month plus and you'll have surgery, pending receipt of medical results. We're all rooting for you, positive thoughts and hugs galore. Cheers, and keep your chin up!
 
Things learned:
be grateful for a cook. Remember to gelp him by devising a menu and corresponding shopping list and acquaint him with the contents of the pantry. He knows where his cereal and the flour is but is otherwise not a good burrowing looker.
Make my helping orders a list instead of an on the fly nag. Such as open my car door ( its wide and I have to rock on the bad hip to reach the handle) give me my cane help me with shoes
wait for me to straighten up before walking away
Gee thats all the big ones
Yes it is what it is and for a month I can bite my tongue!!

After it will be maybe get me this or that ice pillows or will I be able to do that?
 
These “aha’s!” may not seem like much to you, but from here, it looks like an amazing list of things learned. You know why? These observations are the key to helping you help him help you. (That’s a mouthful, right there, isn’t it?) My goodness, this made me hopping mad at first, “Whaddya mean I gotta help them help me?! I’m the one that needs the help!!” But I adjusted, and everyone is happier, because they really want to help, they’re afraid of making mistakes, and I am doing so much better with the right help. I am learning to put that “I want to do it myself” girl in timeout - just for a little while - and flex my “I am good at communicating and cooperating with others” muscles a bit. To be honest, they needed the exercise.

Also, I need to point out you don’t get to say you’re not good at empathy when you rock at these kinds of observations. OK? The way I understand empathy isn’t just about feeling other’s feelings. You demonstrate how clearly you understand his point of view and the way it shapes his behavior. I think that counts.

Task orientation is a great strength. Lists are beautiful. Understanding how to divvy things up between you is genius. Keep him busy with the things that will help ( hooray for cooking!!!) and he’ll be less inclined to interfere with the things you can do and in ways that go badly.

Here’s my absolutely no-fail secret sauce: Concentrate on catching him doing it right and tell him so right in the moment. There’s a ton of psych research behind this, and I will point you to it if you want to know. But you have nothing to lose by experimenting on your own. So, the keys are: focus on giving (1) positive feedback (2) consistently and (3) as soon as possible after you see the behavior that makes you happy/helps you/meets your needs. I don’t know how to adapt this for the 30% comprehension challenge, but I am betting you do.

Not so long ago, you told me you were on my side. I am on yours, too.
 
@Ptarmigan
:wow::thankyou:

Its a rainy cold day here in Grand Manan and we are in a 140 sq ft travel trailer so we have time to talk amd beer and wine in the frig
Beautiful island off the coast of Maine that Canada owns
We are menu planning week post op
First meal will be something quick Second
blueberry pie , home smoked baby back ribs and local corn

I havent found that ibuprofen or acetominophen affects the pain nor naproxen sodium
Nor wine
I have preop appt in ten days Tramadol helped before my knee. I wonder if it will with hip. but probably not
The pain is associated with movement sideways of the femoral head which I can feel. amd on standing. I can plonk down just fine. its the unwinding that is horrid
 
I’m down for second night dinner, especially your Maine blueberry pie! My husband’s doing our cooking (he is adequate and non complaining, but not exactly a cook...) usually around 6:30 I’ll say, what about dinner? He lists the boring leftovers in our fridge. I finally admitted to him that dinner is the highlight of my boring day. Please, can we get takeout? He’s happy to pick something up for me while he eats leftovers. Our takeout is fairly limited and not exactly healthy. So @mainegirl1 I think your new strategy is brilliant!

My husband sounds a bit similar, but he waits for “orders” when I’m wishing he were more into making decisions. I know he’s leery of making the wrong decision. I hate being naggy. I was frustrated by lack of housekeeping and he was sympathetic. I said there’s a bottle cap that’s been on the floor for days. He said you should tell me, I don’t see those things! Wow, it was good to hear. He really doesn’t. But he IS Johnny on the spot with ice for me all the time:loveshwr: I’m going to take your suggestions of a list to heart!
 
I agree with everyone! It is gracious to accept help from someone, and it makes them feel good, too. But somehow getting to the point where someone, who isn't used to offering help (oftentimes because we're more of the "I do it all" personality) is definitely a process. I think ptarmigan's advice is excellent--works on husbands AND on children! Being cheerful and positive, even when you're not feeling that way will also help. I am sure your husband's help will be critical for you, @mainegirl1, so it would be good to start a slow training process to allow him to step in when you need him and for you to communicate your needs in a way that works for him, and for you. My husband is a sweetheart, and I adore him, but cooking isn't really his thing (he would tell you differently but that's another story). I got pretty tired of canned soup and crackers for dinner, but it was a HUGE incentive for me to begin preparing simple meals again. I am sure he'd have made the meals I requested, but it would have been exhausting as he's not an intuitive cook and he'd have been at my bedside every five minutes wanting to know things like, "How small should I dice the onions?" He needs very specific and detailed directions and when I was exhausted the first couple of weeks, I simply couldn't deal with that. So, canned soup and crackers (broken up with a gourmet meal of spaghetti with jarred sauce and a salad) provided sufficient nourishment until I was able to fend for myself. I tried to be positive and grateful every time he did something for me and bite my tongue about meals (and the lack of tidiness that would have been in evidence if I were in charge!) Again, it was just another big inducement to recover quickly and get back in the game! You're gonna figure this out, @mainegirl1, I know you will.
 
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@Rbc
Sounds like we have the same husband!
Leery of making the wrong decision
Its taken 50 years for us to have this discussion
He always felt ignored as a kid and was never encouraged to make his own decisions. He now finds it hard to do of course
Maybe I should retitle thread to Lucy the shrink is in as in Peanuts
He now made me a wonderful breakfast of veggie hash browns cinnamon toast ham and cheese omelet and juice and coffee!

My hip is worse everyday and I am grateful to be served breakfast
I still am jealous of your new date @Barbaraj !
Youll be ready for the leaves!
 
@mainegirl1 Great great posts! I am sorry your hip is getting worse, but not sorry you and DH are having this conversation. It’s the good stuff. My breakfast of scrambled eggs, sliced fruit and coffee pales by comparison, but we already knew your guy was an overachiever. I know being outside is your best medicine, so any time you’re hiking is prime time - who cares how fast you go - it sounds like a good day :)
 
Great that you're still able to stay relatively active, @mainegirl1, even though I suspect you pay for it afterwards with increased discomfort. But it is what it is, and not giving up and pooling like a puddle is good for your mental health. And I am sure hiking, even if it's a lot of physical effort with resulting pain and exhaustion post hike, also means a good breeze on your face and body, the smells of the woods, the sound of birds, sunshine, all that "good stuff" that is so important as you're toughing out these last weeks before surgery.
 
Happy Tuesday!
Hopefully you're not still hurting from all of the hiking up and down cliffs on Sunday.
I'll bet the beauty of nature is a welcome distraction from the miserable end stage pain, at least I hope you have some pain free moments. I recall at times right before surgery that while sitting, I wouldn't have known I had a diseased hip that desperately needed to go, but oh boy, make a move and I was quickly reminded. With any luck you still have some moments of comfort and peace.
Wishing you a sunny day! :SUNsmile:
@mainegirl1
 
@Layla you must have been in the same chair!
Unlike @Barbaraj I can sit for a long time
Partly because of the dreaded getting up!
I paid for hiking dearly the night before last
Hiked boardwalk yesterday. And slept well
Its been a long time since I did a morning stretch and it felt great
Looking forward to many more post op
i think there is a pre op pain drain. I am always so tired
 
YES! There is a pre-op pain drain. Pain drains the energy right out of you.
It leads to sleeplessness, can lead to depression, can weaken our immune system because so much of our bodies energy is spent dealing with it. It sucks, sucks, sucks! And it sucks!!
Is that a bad word, why does it sound like it? :heehee: :shrug: Wishing you many pain free moments today. :console2:
@mainegirl1
 
Well, @mainegirl1, sorry to read you "paid" for your long walk, but also glad to read that you slept pretty well. It's a big teeter-totter, isn't it? Overdoing things with resultant pain followed by exhaustion and often decent sleep due to fatigue--it's a pattern I'm well familiar with. Hope today is a better day. Hang in there--just another month to go before you can achieve some lasting relief.
 
I am getting tired of being tired. Its been a little while since the last full nights sleep and now I am hardly sleeping at all.. I have to see my OS for pre op on Monday and hesitate to ask for something to relieve nighttime pain.
As it is I can barely do anything during the day I am so tired.
Its an ache at night.. Just enough to bother me. I swam for an hour today and dread the consequence.. I am sorry I am being a rotten cheerleader for others on the other side or the downside like I am..
 
You are not being a rotten cheerleader. You are providing us opportunities to boost you up when you are the one usually so supportive. The tiredness is real and the lack of sleep really plays havoc with our moods. You have been so supportive of everyone even though you are having pain and mobility issues. Swimming must have felt good - I went in our pond last week but with a noodle since I do not swim so well and also because I do not trust my hip to move without pain. Amazing that you went swimming. You are most awesome. I think this pre op pain and waiting is ever so much worse than recovery and we all have our moments when it is just too much to deal. This is our safe place to let it out. :friends::flwrysmile:
 
@leejaa
I might have stretched the truth re swimming. I did do a distance but dragged the legs
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement

I had a knee replacement but dont remember the month before as being so debilitating
I also thought recovery wasnt hard
Its funny how our minds work
I had just had chemo for months the year prior to my TKR and that near did me in. ever worse each month. I was able to see a general upslope in TKR recovery but knew not to measure day by day
This feels like chemo some good days but mostly the downslope
I am so sorry I just cant encourage the post op folks though I want to
I am so tired. Another 4 weeks to go
Its hard to help others up when you feel your floor crumbling
 
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