JustJeff
graduate
United StatesI know that route. They WERE all driving the wrong way!
TKR Canadian Girl's Journey
- Thread starter 71Beetle
- Start date
Odd thing about it is we had a little old lady from a nearby town that once a week would go the wrong way on hwy 50 I think they finally took her car a way.
Phil75070
post-grad
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So she turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, ****, am I driving?'
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So she turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, ****, am I driving?'
tiredwife
alpha
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long line at the shop and it takes forever. Next he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there is a huge line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. He goes over to rent a limo and once again has to wait in a long line, but he is patient and gets the lemo rented. Finally the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
OP
OP
71Beetle
post-grad
So my youngest son (13 years old) is now getting in on the jokes. Here is one of them:
Why do you not see a hippo ever hiding in a tree?
Because he's really good at it
What have I created???
Why do you not see a hippo ever hiding in a tree?
Because he's really good at it
What have I created???
OP
OP
71Beetle
post-grad
!!
JustJeff
graduate
Groan!
Phil75070
post-grad
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
tiredwife
alpha
Phil75070
post-grad
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.
Phil75070
post-grad
Bus Stop Quiz:
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!
OP
OP
71Beetle
post-grad
Hi Everyone!
Hope your Monday is treating you well! Sorry I have not been on. I needed to get my breath back from the non-stop laughter of the jokes on my thread. Thank you for sharing and keeping laughter such a big part of the day!
All is going okay with me. Had a bit of a melt down - okay maybe more than a bit of one - okay maybe more than one. Let's just say it was not my happiest Monday. The jokes helped though.
I did not sleep well again last night. I just lay there waiting for sleep and when it doesn't come I get anxious that it is not going to come. So what do I do? I get on the computer and play Candy Crush and that just adds to my frustration. (Good thing I only have 5 lives at a time). So then I generally turn to the forums so I can check in with everyone but then I spend too much time stalking people which gets a bit weird so I decided against it last night. So then I get onto Facebook which invariably leads to a news article which leads to another and then I get tired and start getting settled in again and look up at the clock and what do you know, it's only another 30 minutes until I can take my meds so I turn on the TV and watch a show to let the time go. Pill time comes along so I take it but of course I want to finish the show. By the time the show is over I am wired again and can't get to sleep.
So then I am grumpy in the morning. And my family gets the brunt of it and then I feel bad and start crying - nice big tears with the sobs and jagged breath. Those that remember having a one year old child in the house can get the visual. Then they feel bad, so do whatever they can to make me feel better (cleaning, vacuuming, putting clothes away, watering my plants). Then I feel bad, that it takes me feeling bad, to get things done around this house. Then we all feel bad. Except the dog. He is still a happy guy and just wonders if he will get a treat with everyone feeling bad and all.
So my decision today was to NOT nap hoping that I will get some more sleep tonight - wish me luck
I have moved into a Lazy-Boy today. Both of my knees are experiencing a lot of pain. The right one because I just had the surgery 10 days ago and the left one because I am putting the pressure on that one to alleviate the pain of the left one. This too shall pass but our couch is just too low for me to get out of without the knees screaming at me. So I will see how this goes. My core muscles and my arms need to be built up again. I will start on that tomorrow. I am one of those weird people that like planks to improve the core muscles but I cannot do those at present. I need to find an exercise for my core muscles that can be done in a laying or sitting position. Any tips will be greatly appreciated.
@Phil75070 - someone asked me that bus stop question last summer and I gave the same answer that the guy who got the job did. The person that asked me the question said he had asked a number of people and I was the first person to answer that way. I guess I get the job! Yay Me! I accept! I can start in two weeks! Oh, by the way, what is the job??
I don't want to make this post too long (I know, too late) so I will just wish everyone a great day, evening, night, tomorrow - depending on what time zone you are in. I will check out other's threads tomorrow but for now I am feeling a bit tired.
Hope your Monday is treating you well! Sorry I have not been on. I needed to get my breath back from the non-stop laughter of the jokes on my thread. Thank you for sharing and keeping laughter such a big part of the day!
All is going okay with me. Had a bit of a melt down - okay maybe more than a bit of one - okay maybe more than one. Let's just say it was not my happiest Monday. The jokes helped though.
I did not sleep well again last night. I just lay there waiting for sleep and when it doesn't come I get anxious that it is not going to come. So what do I do? I get on the computer and play Candy Crush and that just adds to my frustration. (Good thing I only have 5 lives at a time). So then I generally turn to the forums so I can check in with everyone but then I spend too much time stalking people which gets a bit weird so I decided against it last night. So then I get onto Facebook which invariably leads to a news article which leads to another and then I get tired and start getting settled in again and look up at the clock and what do you know, it's only another 30 minutes until I can take my meds so I turn on the TV and watch a show to let the time go. Pill time comes along so I take it but of course I want to finish the show. By the time the show is over I am wired again and can't get to sleep.
So then I am grumpy in the morning. And my family gets the brunt of it and then I feel bad and start crying - nice big tears with the sobs and jagged breath. Those that remember having a one year old child in the house can get the visual. Then they feel bad, so do whatever they can to make me feel better (cleaning, vacuuming, putting clothes away, watering my plants). Then I feel bad, that it takes me feeling bad, to get things done around this house. Then we all feel bad. Except the dog. He is still a happy guy and just wonders if he will get a treat with everyone feeling bad and all.
So my decision today was to NOT nap hoping that I will get some more sleep tonight - wish me luck
I have moved into a Lazy-Boy today. Both of my knees are experiencing a lot of pain. The right one because I just had the surgery 10 days ago and the left one because I am putting the pressure on that one to alleviate the pain of the left one. This too shall pass but our couch is just too low for me to get out of without the knees screaming at me. So I will see how this goes. My core muscles and my arms need to be built up again. I will start on that tomorrow. I am one of those weird people that like planks to improve the core muscles but I cannot do those at present. I need to find an exercise for my core muscles that can be done in a laying or sitting position. Any tips will be greatly appreciated.
@Phil75070 - someone asked me that bus stop question last summer and I gave the same answer that the guy who got the job did. The person that asked me the question said he had asked a number of people and I was the first person to answer that way. I guess I get the job! Yay Me! I accept! I can start in two weeks! Oh, by the way, what is the job??
I don't want to make this post too long (I know, too late) so I will just wish everyone a great day, evening, night, tomorrow - depending on what time zone you are in. I will check out other's threads tomorrow but for now I am feeling a bit tired.
tiredwife
alpha
@71Beetle Sorry you had such a rough day! My husband has a doctors appointment next week to see about getting some Ambien for after his next knee. He will need to start sleeping right before he goes back to work. Today we both woke up at 4, don't know why, and just couldn't get back to sleep. I can see a nap for both of us today. Have a better day!
OP
OP
71Beetle
post-grad
Good Morning!
Had a pretty good sleep last night. The Lazy-Boy works for day but not for night so I am back on the couch.
I was inspired to write a song thought. It is a song about a tortilla. It's really more of a "wrap"! (compliments of my 13 year old).
@msmechanic58, your son may appreciate that one.
Have a great day all!!
Sent from my iPad using BoneSmart Forum
Had a pretty good sleep last night. The Lazy-Boy works for day but not for night so I am back on the couch.
I was inspired to write a song thought. It is a song about a tortilla. It's really more of a "wrap"! (compliments of my 13 year old).
@msmechanic58, your son may appreciate that one.
Have a great day all!!
Sent from my iPad using BoneSmart Forum
tiredwife
alpha
@71Beetle Sorry long one:
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Phil75070
post-grad
A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. Skeptically, he approaches the dog.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that sh!t."
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. Skeptically, he approaches the dog.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that sh!t."
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