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TKR Second TKR Done, but still not very patient

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Hi @NetballKnees, I'm so glad I decided to log in just now, I hope you are still around to get this. I did log in a while back, first thing in the morning here, I had my breakfast and suddenly felt very sleepy, so had a nap for two hours!! I'm still having fairly disturbed nights so I obviously needed it.
I really feel for you and all that you are going through, don't worry about ROM & MUA, as many others have posted, we get there in our own time, sometimes very slowly. You have been incredibly strong in your life, and still have that strength by the sound of things. To arrange to move, and be independent , with the help of those gorgeous dogs, is a big thing. You have your fantastic holiday with friends to look forward to, it may be tough, but you do have a job to go to. And you have your sons wedding to look forward to. I can understand the crying and the total fed up feeling - it is so overwhelming at times, we all succumb to it.
Do post on here whenever you want to, sometimes it's easier to say things on here, to talk to our virtual friends, than it is to talk to our friends in real life. They try very hard, but they don't really know what we''re going through. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs,
xxx Lyn
 
Thanks so much Lyn. Your contact has meant a lot. It does help to come on here, I know that, but if I'm tired of feeling so "blah" all the time and talking about, I imagine that others are too. I can't wait for the day I can come on here and say I pedalled a full rotation or did a squat or something.

No wonder you are sleepy - your knee is still such a baby and your body will be full occupied with recovery and healing. You aren't even 6 weeks yet, are you? I had a nanna nap myself this afternoon. Went to the hospital to visit ex-mother in law (who I am very close to still) for a few hours and felt it afterwards.

Yes, I do have Matthew's wedding to look forward and sadly, the wedding of my nephew in April. I say sadly because although the wedding will be a very joyful event, they are having the wedding about 12 months sooner than originally planned (even though they already have a gorgeous baby girl) because the bride's father has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and she wants him to be able to enjoy her wedding while he still can. Oh how I would love to just be "normal" at both these events. But looking at it positively, at least I do have this special event to look forward to and Matthew's wedding in June will be such a happy thing. It is on a long weekend over here and we are all staying in the area of the wedding for the entire 4 days - bride and groom included. It is in the Sunshine Coast Hinterland which is an extremely beautiful place of hills and valleys and marvellous scenery as well as rainforest walks, waterfalls etc.

And you are right about being able to say things on here - I actually never tell my friends the extent of my feelings or about the frustration, sadness and desperation. They would actually have no idea how I felt. Maybe that's why it all "poured" out before (again - I seem to be "pouring" out a lot).

Once again Lyn - thanks for your post and support and your kind words. I don't know how strong I am lately, but hopefully the strength is only taking a little break and will be back.

I hope you get some decent sleep soon, but until you do - there is nothing wrong with sleeping again straight after breakfast. I would like to try that tomorrow, but I don't think they would like that at work.

Take Care Lyn ...
Hugs ... Ellen
 
Ellen, might it not be time for a second opinion on the MUA? Just wondering. Also, please dont beat yourself up for taking a functioning knee and making it "worse"--you know that whatever range of motion and level of function you had would have eventually deteriorated--just as your other knee is deteriorating. Hang in there and do try to celebrate the small victories. They WILL add up to a bigger victory eventually.

My other thought for you is to work in whatever way you can, be it prayer, meditation, or venting on Bonesmart, toward acceptance of the limitations that at least for the present are unavoidable--and for acceptance of future limitations as well. I am thinking not of acceptance that ROM will never get better, or that you will always have pain and swelling and disability, nor am I saying you should just give up on improving your situation and working on your knee recovery. I am thinking of acceptance that life throws us curves and changes and we have to roll with them. We are all getting older and eventually we will lose athletic ability, loved ones, pets, health, whatever. Now, that sounds very grim, but think of it this way--you had the gumption and drive to wear those knees out and had fun doing it. As we all age we need to reinvent ourselves and make changes whether we want to or not. If we embrace change and enjoy the abilities we have TODAY we are much happier.

This is way too easy for me to say--I dont suffer from depression, my knee is doing well, I have many, many blessings. But life IS handing me more and more limitations, more aches and pains, more separation from loved ones, less joy in work and so on. If I dont change my expectations I COULD get depressed and/or wallow in misery because life isnt the way its always been.
 
Ellen, I am so glad you wrote in the forum. I have been worrying about you - I guessed you were in a bad place and it is normal - you have had a hard road with the replaced knee but also the tear in the other knee which is making everything even harder. Now, having to move and totally change the basics of your living situation - of course you are feeling overwhelmed and just want to be back to "you" again. Please remember you can come to the forum any time and let it out- I find this forum and being able to post feelings or read others and try to help really helps me more than anything and got me through some bad times.

My worst times were when my Mom was very ill for 2 yrs and I was constantly going up every week end (60m one way) and running up for emergencies during the week or doctor appts. I wish I had had a forum for that because I was in a dark place and did not even totally realize until toward the end when I started crying in the middle of an appt with my GP out of the blue. I am not a public crier so that really shook me. Anti - depressants helped but I do find that they also changed my personality a bit but I was thankful that it got me through.

You said you were on anti depressants but perhaps a visit with your GP for a dose adjustment might be in order. You have had some unusual things to deal with -more than the norm. I am not pushing you to go see another OS if that is possible for you but I am confused why your OS states that a MUA would not help at all - did he given any good reasons. Considering your knee did go around when biking but hurt - it is possible for it to move but what is causing it to stop and hurt? That is the big question.

You made the best decision possible to have this knee replaced - it is just taking its own sweet time to get better and I do believe it is not helping that your other knee is limiting you also - our bodies sometimes just do not cooperate.

You are my inspiration though for working out. When I read how you are stopping and going to the gym and doing what you can with upper body and trying to get the knee to move around on the bike. I keep you in mind when I do not feel like getting on the bike. So far have managed 2x/wk and even 3x/wk one week. On Saturday or Sunday I force myself to do 10m at level 3 - during the week just 5m. I am not kidding, I think of you when I just want to stop and how much you are doing with limitations right now and pain.

Please keep us posted good/bad or ugly it does not matter. . I do not go on the forum every day but pretty much every other I try and mainly to see the posts from a couple of people like you that I want to see how they are doing. I wish I was closer to help you move and give you a hug. Sending you many hugs and best wishes. Lee:console2::console2::console2::console2::console2::console2::console2::flwrysmile:
 
Ellen, I don't log on all that often anymore, but curiously I did last night before you posted. I was disappointed to not find anything recent from you, and then happy, when I assumed that meant life was just getting busy and normal again.

One question comes to mind, and maybe @Josephine has some input, since I still know next to nothing about orthopedics. Did your surgeon say why he thinks your ROM won't improve much, even with a MUI? Is it because one never gets back more than they had before the surgery? I, too, am curious if a second opinion is in order - if only for your peace of mind. And, with looking at more surgery down the road, it's nice to know others agree with his opinion.

Now, to concentrate on the mental and emotional struggles you are having. It's so understandable, but at the same time it's yet another battle to fight and something you can't let slide. I can't help but think if I were in your shoes, I'd be handling things so much worse than you are. Going to work and the gym? Enlisting the help of a personal trainer? Planning a move? I'd probably have myself in isolation with a big pan of brownies by now.

And we both know that would only put me on a downward spiral.

I have some friends who battle horrendous health problems and I'm in awe of their acceptance of their limitations, and their ability to cope and lead wonderful lives. If you already battle depression, perhaps you need a change in medication or a little more help. You have REASON to be depressed, but that doesn't mean you can't push through it.

On a personal note, my Dad is in Hospice and my mother is falling apart. She insisted I take her to her doctor so he could give her a pill to make her feel better. But, in her case, no pill will help - she doesn't suffer from depression to begin with and is really only having a very natural reaction to grief and sadness. Yet, she came home from her appointment feeling better, because her doctor validated her feelings and she had another outlet besides me to pour her heart out to. Do you have someone IRL to pour your heart out to?

Another friend also went through something really really tough. She's on the other side now, and credits 'keeping her sanity' with a single friend who just let her pour out her heart to her every single night before bed. This was a colleague, not a family member or personal friend - but just the right person to listen to the fear and frustrations she was going through.

I think you are the most amazing woman. Seriously, I do. Your spirit shines through on this board, whether you believe it or not. I think I shared with you at one time my regular doctor's advice, every time I struggle. She always gives me a hug and tells me to 'be kind to yourself.' In reality, of course you are discouraged, but you still have a lot of healing to do (and ouch! that rotation probably did set you back). And, your other knee makes recovery even slower.

Many hugs to you. I think of you a lot - even more lately because I'm an Olympic junkie and every time Australia is mentioned I think - that's where Ellen is! I hope to have the pleasure of meeting you one day - intercepting your US tour for a quick cup of coffee or something. I have no doubt that when that time comes, you'll be in a far better place, both physically and emotionally.

Oh my, I just read this comment from @jeano above!

I am thinking of acceptance that life throws us curves and changes and we have to roll with them. We are all getting older and eventually we will lose athletic ability, loved ones, pets, health, whatever. Now, that sounds very grim, but think of it this way--you had the gumption and drive to wear those knees out and had fun doing it. As we all age we need to reinvent ourselves and make changes whether we want to or not. If we embrace change and enjoy the abilities we have TODAY we are much happier.
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I'm glad I logged on, for I really needed to hear that myself.
 
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(((Ellen)))
 
NBK, I just read your thread from beginning to end and something struck me that you don't seem to have had suggested which is lymphatic massage. It's more than evident now that what you have is probably lymphoedema so lymphatic massage would seem a logical thing to try. Can't hurt to give it a whirl.
 
Oh Ellen, you sweet thing. You're always there for others to offer advice and encouragement. You have such a great support system of here of people who all 'get it'. I, like you, often wonder why I did this to myself as I am worse off now than I was before but we have to remain optimistic! I'm SO sorry you're having a hard time. I think you're doing great though. Don't give up!!

as for your impending move, although I'm sure you're a bit nervous, how exciting!! This is going to be a start to a new chapter in your life where you get to take care of YOU instead of everyone else. I'm very excited for you!!!
 
Hi Ellen - I am so sorry to read about all you are going through. You have received great advice from many people. I would surely love to see if that lymphatic massage can help you. I read a little about it on google as I really did not understand it. Maybe that is the reason a MUA would not benefit you? I was thinking the same as everyone else in that I would seek out a revision specialist for a second opinion. But if this is lymphoedema as Josephine has suggested try that route first.

It was certainly a blessing for me when I posted on your thread and began following your journey. You were one of the first members that responded to me and I have always felt some kind of connection with you. It could be that you have always been so honest and it could be the fact you have a kind and warm heart.

You have had quite a bit to deal with. This surgery also takes a lot out of you even if all goes well. I cannot imagine your pain because you are still fighting for a successful outcome. I don't blame you either for thinking you should not have done this and my feelings would be the same as yours if I was in your position. You are however strong or you never would have been an athlete! We are all here to offer advice or just listen. The same way you have been and still are for us. I also look forward to hearing from you and have missed you.

My sister for the first time in 60 years moved to her own beautiful apartment. Her husband divorced and left her with a mess many years ago and she felt she could not live alone. She finally was strong enough to walk away from their house which she could no longer afford to a beautiful new life. I hope you also find that peace in yours.

Remember that You are a dear sweet person whom we care about very much.

JoAnne
Xoxoxo
 
@Josephine --Do you have an opinion about Ellen getting a second opinon re a MUA? or is it a better idea to pursue the lymphatic massage and see if that proves to be a turning point for her?
 
The need for an MUA is different to the need for the LM. But if the lymphoedema is blocking her ROM then it would be a good idea to pursue it anyway, regardless as to whether or not she gets a second opinion.
 
Hi Ellen, I just thought I'd pop in to say "hello", hope you're OK, , just to say I'm thinking of you xx
 
So ... on I come and see all these beautiful positive supportive helpful messages from my lovely Bonesmart friends. I am crying now, but they are tears of gratitude that I do have this place to come to that is filled with such encouragement and support - no matter how I rant or rave or whatever. Thank you all so very, very much.

I have just been onto pakline's thread and told her that I know that if a knee that won't bend past 80 and the fact that I can't ride a bike again are the worst things that happen physically to me for the rest of my life, I will indeed be very fortunate. I am just finding that knowing it in my head and accepting it in my heart is proving difficult.

Josephine ... thanks so much for your advice. I did have one lymphatic massage session and the measurements she took before and after the session did show a reduction in size, but unfortunately financially I was unable to continue. Once I have gotten through my big step of moving house and settle down, then I will re-look at it.

Thanks for the hugs @kneeper. I love hugs.

@jeano ... your words are much appreciated. I do know in my head that all you say is correct, but I just need to accept it in the heart. Acceptance is very much the word I need to embrace. As I said above, if this is what it is and is going to be, then really I don't have that much to whinge about. Depression is a strange thing. Most of the people I know what are not part of my "close" circle would have no idea. I am normally very upbeat, making jokes, making other people smile, but in the quiet of my heart and brain it is a different matter and the medication does help keep me "level".

@Jozilla ... How lovely to hear from you Jo. How courageous of your sister to make that move and how wonderful it has turned out to be a positive and happy thing for her. I do still need to come on here regularly I can see that now ... everyone is so understanding and has a much better idea of how/why I am feeling the way I do. And I was thinking that the op was, in its simplest form, a success. The bone on bone pain is gone ... the knee itself is strong (as I proved by standing on it alone) ... it just doesn't want to bend. By the way, thanks for mentioning athlete and me in the same sentence. I have given myself to April when I see the OS again. I will see where I am at then and talk to him about MUA if no improvement and :yikes: (I love this 'yikes' face) will talk to him about having the other knee done. I hope all is going well with you Jo and life is treating you kindly. Hugs ...

@leejaa ... Thank you for coming to visit Lee. I have missed you since you got back into the rhythm of living and getting on, with your life. I hope things are going well for you and the knees are still getting stronger and stronger. You (and others) said some lovely, lovely things about me. I'm not sure how true they are, but I appreciate them. That time when your Mum was ill for so long must have been so difficult and it is not hard to see that a collapse at the end of it was inevitable. I am guessing you were also working and keeping a house and looking after others, all the while supporting your mother. It is quite a coincidence because that is much the same scenario as when I was first diagnosed. I was working full-time, the 4 children were young and I was also doing the looking after the house thing while going to see Mum every single day - either straight after work and then back home to put the kids to bed or spending time with the kids first and then up to the hospital. At the end I just fell into a hole. I will see my GP and discuss perhaps increasing the dose or changing meds to see if that keeps me more "level". Thank you again for your visit and support Lee. Hugs ...

TO BE CONTINUED ...
 
CONTINUED ... I thought I would break the post up because I am not sure how big a 'War and Peace' the forum will allow in one swoop.

@GimpyGal ... dear GG - your post did bring a smile to my face -
GimpyGal said:
I'd probably have myself in isolation with a big pan of brownies by now.
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How do you know I haven't? :) (There really should be a chocolate emoticon). There are lots of time when I am not at work or flogging this poor old knee. :) I am so sorry your Dad is so bad and your Mum not coping. It must be so hard for you to watch this happening and trying to support your mother while you too are probably sad about your Dad. I do hope there is someone there supporting you as well. I have just added to the list of "must do" things on my wish list for the big trip ... must go to Utah and have a cup of coffee with GG (except could I have tea instead?). How lucky your friend was to have that special someone to pour everything out to. I have a lot of friends, but all are busy people with their own problems and worries and I don't like to overload them with my problems. Perhaps I am doing them a disservice. That's why I get on here and harass the poor people at Bonesmart. I know there are others who battle a lot worse limitations than I do. And even on this forum, I am no worse than many on here, and better than a lot too. Oh, and thank you for the lovely things you said about me.

@DogLoverx3 ... You know when I read through your thread, I know there are times when you struggle, but your positivity and optimism always shines through. It is something I appreciate very much. So - thank you.

@Ellejay ... thanks for thinking of me and popping in to see if I was okay. I am a lot calmer today and reading through all the supportive posts above has further eased the turmoil I have had in my mind and heart. Thank you

Once again :thankyou: and many, many hugs to you all. It is so heartening to know there is a network of support just at the end of my keyboard (so to speak). And today, and especially after reading all the lovely posts above, I do feel calmer. Jeano used a word "acceptance" and that I think is what my new mantra (oh, sorry, second mantra) will be - acceptance.

On to an exercise update ... Monday night is turning into exercise central for me. I go straight from work to the local pool and do some pool walking, deep water cycling (or my version of it) and some squats and lunges and calf and hamstring stretches. Then it was home to change and get back to the gym for my cardio personal training session. Celeste (my PT) and I boxed for 30 minutes. This week I did it sitting on a swiss ball, which adds another dimension completely. Certainly got my heart rate and some sweat up. After we boxed we had a chat about how I was missing the "dancy" type of classes. We know I can't do any of the cycle classes, but we figured that if I go into a Zumba or other dance type class, I could sit on the swiss ball and do all the upper body movements. The mind boggles - but I just might try it. I love to dance and spent all my teenage years doing ballroom dancing. :dancy:(I have no idea why there is not a swing waltz emoticon).

Anyway, the knee was pretty good until about half way through this afternoon and all of a sudden it was like "OMGosh - what did you do to me last night?" (Bit slow on the uptake my knee - kinda like me).

Good grief - I have just realised the time. It is 11.37pm here and I have to be up bright and shiny to go to work. Good night my many Bonesmart friends. Wherever you are and whatever time it is there right now, I hope everything is going well for you.

Hugs ... Ellen
 
Hello wonderful Bonesmart folk ... I have had a busy day at work and have been trying to deal with any awkwardness by thinking of my new favourite word (courtesy of Jean) - acceptance. So there have been no crutches hurled to the floor today. Which is always a bonus for the poor crutch. :snork:

More news - my rental application for my own little house to live in with just myself and my dogs was accepted. I move on 1 March. :yikes: (I will take any opportunity to use this 'yikes' emoticon). At my ripe old age I have never lived on my own before, so what an adventure this will be.

Hope everyone had a great day .. Take Care and be kind to yourselves .. Ellen
 
Just think, your own little home and of course the four legged friends, but you can put anything wherever you want and no one will say it should be elsewhere or move it. Your own little haven to do with as you wish with not having to consider if it works for someone else. All yours as long as there is room for your kids and wonderful grandkids to come and enjoy with you. A new adventure for a brave woman.

Knees are doing OK. Rt. knee the baby is still getting sitff and swells a bit, the left is good but I have issues with the hamstrings since forever and at times it is hard to lift straight up. Hours at work are still way too long and am too tired to go anywhere like a gym - living in the country I love but sometimes there re limitations. Overall, both are strong and pain free with walking so am happy. Weight is still an issue. Tried joining Weight Watchers at work but the meetings have not started yet as they do not have enough people to sign up. Giving it another week and then will have to make arrangements to join elsewhere and go to evening meetings -not at work.

Much stress at work with new changes and edicts so of course food is so comforting plus when stressed i tend not to concentrate on how much I am eating. I know I have to but it just seems so hard at times. I love what I do but not all the silly and stressful stuff around it. Starting to hope that I might retire early at 62 even if it means making some adjustments just to cut the stress down. Sorry, feeling grumpy and tired from all the stupid and tiring edicts of what should be - our latest is since I am also a supervisor and the employee survey was not totally stellar - missed by 2 pts from happy employees - mainly 1 employee with negative comments - the edict is to address all they want and make them happy and the scores must improve for the next survey in Sept. My belief is that you cannot make someone else happy but I can provide a fair treatment of all but that is not enough. Sorry to be going on but it has gotten to me especially since at same time we are told to send people home as necessary since volumes are down and we need to watch productivity. Send people home -some possibly without pay if they do not have accrued time off but make them happy. Thank you for listening to my rant.

Keep posting Ellen, want some descriptions of your new home and if possible pictures. You are so awesome to be doing the gym and exercises and now Zumba on a ball. Celebration time again :martini::martini::yay::flwrysmile:
 
Oh Ellen, I'm so sorry that I haven't been online much.... Just read your post from 2/16/14 and am nearly in tears for what you've been going through.

You've been incredibly strong and I wish your recovery was going far better than it is.

What you have right now isn't the life you'd planned, and you have had a TON of ups and downs... hang in there... It's just "for now" not forever.

Hugs,
Jacki
 
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Hi Jacki ... thanks so much for visiting. I have been thinking a bit the last couple of days and have decided that if a strong knee that just doesn't want to bend enough to allow me to ride a bike is the worst I suffer physically for the rest of my life, then I am pretty lucky really. Sometimes it is just hard to keep that mindset.

I will add the words "just for now" to my mantras. I could join it to the other one and say "I accept this just for now, until the healing is complete". How does that sound?

I hope you are doing well. I will head on over to your thread to check.

Thanks again ... Hugs ... Ellen
 
I like that - I accept this, just for now, until my healing is complete.

Intellectually I know this is a year long process. Emotionally, I'm frustrated at five weeks because my life is still up ended. I can't sleep more than four hours in a row, I'm limited in my outings unless someone hauls my butt around (my neighborhood just not that interesting apparently lol) and I can't sit for more than 45 minutes without shifting, groaning, fidgeting, etcetera.

Sigh - I keep reminding myself that lots of others have it lots worse... and then I grab my ice bags, my kindle and try to distract myself from what is my current reality!

Hugs,
Jacki

[Bonesmart.org] Second TKR Done, but still not very patient
 
@leejaa ... Never be worried about venting to me Lee. I think you are probably the sort who carries far too much herself for a long time, not wanting to burden others. It's not good that work is being such a stressor at the moment and I think it is ridiculous that you have to make changes and do things to make "everyone happy". Some people are just never happy or can never be pacified, no matter how hard you work to make it happen. And when you are in a supervisory role, there is always someone who will try to undermine you and/or your ability. I am so sorry it is happening to you. It is also so easy for someone "further up the line" to say ... send them home, the ones that won't bet paid for it won't like it but keep them happy anyway. What are you supposed to do? Hand out flowers and chocolates as they go out the door? Unrealistic.

As soon as I can I will put in some photos of my new home and let you know how I am getting on there. I am excited, but scared, all in one. Not unlike before the TKR. I'll let you know too the first time I do Zumba on a ball - that sounds like it could be a whole new exercise class. :egypdance:

Caring hugs for you dear Lee ... (((((((((((((((((((((HHHHHHHHHHHHH)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 
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