Before I start sorry for the long post which is following but venting warning this post is long just read it over but needed to say it. My I really write long post just get flowing and keeps going.
Such a nice day yesterday nice to feel relaxed after the past few weeks and so excited about all that is coming could not sleep solid last night. Planning on what needs done, had a look at my cross stitch projects that have been put together lots of tiny beads and metallic sparkly threads and the patterns are beautiful so much detail. deciding what to keep out handy to work on when I come home so excited just how it was so excited about it all
Just 37 days till surgery day now time is flying wanting to get things set up so when coming home from hospital no rush. Getting our medications all set pick up what will be needed so saving my husband from having to go to the pharmacy when not driving and whatever medication the surgeon prescribes the pharmacy said they will deliver to us so less running around for my husband. He says he does not mind happy to do whatever needed but want him to have time to take it slower. Knowing although we have planned not to spend muchthis year for Christmas he will be out finding little surprises to have for us on Christmas day just the way he is very excited about all of it and he loves Christmas my favorite wish is to have him and that will be enough.
I was not worried last surgery not sure why just with all of the things that happened before surgery not time to worry. Only concerned about time not driving as not driving our own car made getting around expensive. This time not worried have faith surgeon will do it right will not have to hurry back to getting back to normal as this time around we will not be trying to get all set to go back to help with my Mom although we did not mind helping at all. Tried last time to get driving as she needed to have help and we wanted to make sure she had what she needed. The contact changed last spring she decided she did not like me at that time and thought that I was purposely taking too long to get driving she did not understand why it took 8 weeks and said I was being selfish my family doctors nurse said she thinks she probably understands now how much the time spent on her was our way of showing we loved her and at the time she said she could not understand me or the idea that this surgery had slowed things down for her needs.
Hurt feelings after my Dad died and she blamed me for his dying so far from home told her that the decision was made by her and my brother to put him there and that we both knew that blaming me was wrong not how things happened. She could not face how things actually were. Family doctor told me this was no longer healthy for me health started to change so no more stressful visits. This at the time was her choice and hurt so much. going through this surgery with my husband and that is enough for me. She knew that my knee was going to need surgery she had both knees done and did not understand mine she thought I was over reacting. Knowing she will not be part of it and missing her but not the way she treated both of us and the negative treatment when being my Mom she should have cared.
Thought she did but she told me she did not have time for me my knee was in the way and disrupted our ability to do what we had before it but just for 8 weeks. Then we were back to driving her to appointments and shopping and things she needed she did not appreciate it thought she would have enjoyed it and told me how she felt about my delay in coming back quicker. so we are apart. Knowing that people who really care do not change this fast but wondering if she ever thinks of me and wishes that things she said and how she hung up on me had not happened. Words she spoke should had been thought out and how hard it was for her to see how much she was loved she did not understand being love and how time spent had meant so much to me but not to her. People who knew how much time we spent together are very surprised this happened do not talk about it to them but many ask where she is why not together have to explain and they are shocked that she could have felt this way about me ask if she is having alziheimer issues and they do not understand her.mean words.
We drive past the street she lives on the place that I grew up in and lived for all but two years of my life till we got married. most days look up and no one there no cars we were there every day and then she told me my brother wanted to take all of her care over he resented the amount of time she was wish us. She was no longer allowed to go out without his say we thought rather then pick up what she wanted it would be nice if she could come with us and go for a little ride and buy what she wanted pick out her own groceries and be out with people. When she came home did not want him to see what she had. He needed her to have lunch ready for him so limited how much time we could go with her he told my brother he wanted total charge. So by what happened he has total say no more working around me and now maybe with me gone he has no longer need for having time with her my husband says he no longer has any competition so she is alone We think maybe we had served our purpose and then when all done no longer needed.
Missing the person she was she was a wonderful Mom growing up loved her so much not sure if I like her now never thought she was capable of some of the mean things she did never thought she could do those things. Looking back knowing that she was my Mom and I was always lucky I had her but know she does not feel the same way about me now and wondering why .Not feeling good about her anymore now either she has never accepted any blame always had a way of turning things to make her self seem like the victim never looking at t how much had in her life and how much my Dad tried to make her life so nice. She was very nasty to my husband during the last while and started to yell at him he was so good to her and nothing was too much trouble for him to do.and she took advantage of this.
This was when I knew that things could not continue this way he was not going to be put in this position anymore. Many times try to understand but although I would like to be the one that tries to change things know she is no longer the person who would make it easy and wondering if I really want to things are much more calm and life is back to how we should all expect it to be.
My brother Greg told me she keeps saying she is alone so much now he explained to her how much what she did to hurt me the day she called he said that she had a good thing going before she turned on me and my husband and told her that we loved her and how she messed up asked her how many times she thought I would keep coming back after these things and said that I was someone who no matter what would keep coming back in my nature to be forgiving but told her that the day would come when coming back would not happen anymore and said that maybe it is time she took the initiative to call and say she loves me and she is sorry wish I could say I caused all of it by if I had caused it I would have been back by now and would have been back and made things right.
I am blamed by her because I wrote letters to the paper which were very well received, speaking on behalf of my Dad and Mom at that time to change the way seniors were treated lack of homes and the ones available so far from home. I was told that during the time of writing to the paper it was the year that they were re thinking the need to build another home, that my Dad was offered 3 places in our city this information was not shared with my family and could have brought him home to his familiar place close to go to for visits he was offered day out trips could have had Christmas with my family, and the night he died we could have been with him he would not have died alone an hour away. My Mom and brother turned them down she blamed me for trying to bring him home and thinking they were trying to but after he died we found out that all of the stress we all felt wanting to see him and far away could have been made so much easier but they chose not to.I was writing to the city at this time never realizing that they had offered a solution and turned down my letters worked but the offers were left.
She asked me for my support during the early time could she count on me to go along with things I said it depended on what those things were I was not prepared to do anything that I knew would hurt my Dad he deserved so much more .How hard to understand how she could not feel this way she said she thought we cared more about him and she was feeling like he mattered more at this time he had to he was dying. How could she have not felt the same way.when did she change from the person I had always looked up to loved and still do feeling more like I used to happy like I was as during this time felt very unworthy when with her and very unhappy with how she made me feel about my knee and my slow recovery as she said.
I told her on the phone call when she hung up that I wished that things could be the way they were, go back for another day see my Dad happy healthy , back up time before her leg was broken and see her doing things she loved happy and healthy and wish life could have been easier for them during this time she blames me for everything and before she hung up on me I told her we both knew that that was very wrong how could she say this last words she said to me and having to accept sometimes things in life do not go the way you hope. I grew up I was shy and quiet in my way of dealing with people. believe in goodness trusted never would have during my life talked to my family in any way to hurt them would never have stepped over the line to speak my mind and show her anger respected her for being my Mom and my Dad as well this way never raised my voice to her this was my first time to stand up to her needed to stand up for myself but still with respect. how hard it was.
My Dad told me one time when very young not everyone is nice some are not I was trusting that people were nice gave them the benefit of my trust and he taught me at that time to be aware that most people are not all and not thinking the not so nice would be someone who was so much part of my world but knowing that maybe even if they love you it does not mean they like you. The day it started I had just hugged her in the pharmacy and said nothing would keep me away from her she was not emotional type of person she let me hug her never knowing what she had planned knowing that I have the best husband I could have asked for loved and wonderful memories of growing up safe feeling love, how things have changed since my Dad and wondering if he was the glue and if she ever felt she really loved me or was it my Dad that kept things going calm and smooth and without him she was the way she had been longer then I thought. Trying to let go of the past which I had never expected could separate a family this way . My family doctor told me one day when talking that it is ok to do what you need to but when the time comes when doing what you need to for others is more then you can do it is alright to say no more he was aware of what was happening and knew what it was doing to me.
I have lived a wonderful life close family ties our home was a safe place and our home together my husband and me is to Feeling good about how I have made it through it now no longer beating my self up over why and what if as knowing it could not be changed now trying to always find a way of making things right this time I can't she needs to understand what happened and looking forward to a good recovery less stress and no pressure from things that I can'[t change and loving the man who carried me through it all with his patience , love and understanding that I am a very lucky woman.
Just the need to put it all down sorry for the long post just talking to myself in my own way to get it out. Feeling so confused back then with all actually thinking that maybe I should have went back.. after all she did l thinking that I should have made the effort and as always try to smooth it over ta k the blame and say it was my fault maybe it would have been better but then telling myself that by doing this maybe I would just be setting myself up for more. This time not ready always said that have to make the most of her while she is here my reasoning maybe but telling myself I am not selfish I am not a liar not disliked by my family as my brother said how could she say that family does not feel that way about me and would be upset she said that about the way they feel.
standing on my own two feet putting my feelings as counting making sure that I am here for a while longer to as during the time it happened doctor concerned and medications increased. being true to myself as my Dad always taught me stand up for yourself, be yourself, be proud of who you are and do not let anyone make you feel less then you are as you have a right to be happy and knowing with all that that I have a truly wonderful life. Going into this next surgery much stronger , happy to have a chance to be given a better way to walk , my husband will be there and knowing he is the best to ask for and knowing my Dad is watching to. Holly
Time to get back to now and count the blessing of the wonderful life I have been blessed with so thankful for all the kind people who are part of my life and so thankful for the family I grew up in and my parents who raised me with so much love and thankful to have met and married the man I love so much and with memories of so many great things and try to let the bumps in the road pass by just wishing that my Mom is alright wish she understood and thinking now maybe she does.
Canada
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