THR Journal THR #2 10/6/15, 1st in 2006

[hippywoman]

Day 15 Part two
I rested yesterday which I needed after going to my land. The rest helped so I drove to the store by myself today. Yippie

It was my solo run. The closest store is a Walmart 16 miles from Rays place. It is a beautiful drive through farmlands

There was little traffic and mile after mile of vineyards and horse ranches.

I got to Walmart ..oh my it is big. I never noticed how big and how many people are there using canes!

I shopped and ate at subway.
Made it home and have my feet up.
I feel quite accomplished.

 

[JennyHipcakes]

@hippywoman I have been enjoying your posts so much - thank you! I am personally still pre-op and I relate strongly to that feeling you described in which pain fogs my ability to be fully present. I have also experienced backing down from activities over the past several months. Adjusting to my new limits has been a challenge at times. I live in Portland and had to curtail a beloved annual camping trip in Canada this year.
I have also indulged in some self-doubt, asking, Why was I not on top of this pain? or Why am I incapable of sticking with this better diet? or Why is my husband still with me when I'm so lame?! Yep, I can be nasty to myself. I have to keep reminded myself that the pain is real, it is the result of OA (not something I chose, obviously!) and that I will get past this.
I am very inspired by what you wrote about your renewed awareness of everything delicious. While my hip pain is not a near-death experience, it is very real, it does cloud my senses and casts a fuzzy pall over things. Thanks for the reminder that in the end, this ordeal could very well give me a new appreciation for many things!
Your painting is beautiful!

 

[hippywoman]

I am personally still pre-op and I relate strongly to that feeling you described in which pain fogs my ability to be fully present. I have also experienced backing down from activities over the past several months. Adjusting to my new limits has been a challenge at times. I live in Portland and had to curtail a beloved annual camping trip in Canada this year.
I have also indulged in some self-doubt, asking, Why was I not on top of this pain? or Why am I incapable of sticking with this better diet? or Why is my husband still with me when I'm so lame?! Yep, I can be nasty to myself. I have to keep reminded myself that the pain is real, it is the result of OA (not something I chose, obviously!) and that I will get past this.

DAY 17 @JennyHipcakes you are freaky. Your thoughts were my thoughts preop to the tee.

My "second chapter"hubby Ray and I had many adventures over the years since we met. I had fleeting thoughts the last months before surgery about what a drag I was. I could not gold mining or ride the harley with him. Passion was harder to manage and my ability to be fully present with joy in conversations was impaired.

Diet? oh yeah. I gained and lost the same 10 pounds. When I am in pain and exhausted I crave carb comfort foods.

Trips across country or to alaska did not happen either.

Good news. Today Ray looked at me and said "You are really smiling. I haven't seen you smile without a frown for months. You looked like you were always in pain."

I was in pain. and now i just ache from recovery. I feel like smiling.

Even my mirror looks back at me without as many frown lines of exhaustion and worry.

Some things are still working there way out

1. As night approaches I have a vague dread of the pillow and position battle. Logic tells me I am doing way way better than the first week but still I think , oh no, here I go again.

2. My brain gets weary easily so my initial desire to write or do a creative project lasts a half hour at best then I fade.

3. I get excited about walking or going to town and my body complies.... and then the next day I am TIRED.

4. I alternate between being proud of my progress and feeling sort of sad knowing I am aging and other challenges and recoveries are possible.

5. I want to talk on the phone with family and friends, but after 5 minutes I have had enough interacting.

6. I have fleeting thoughts of passion but I am as cautious and a little fearful about it as Ray. Besides it takes way too much energy which I don't have. Smile

7. I have times of not wanting to go out, or accomplish anything, as before the operation. That's not me usually and I vaguely worry it will be the new normal. I know from the last surgery that I regained mobility and energy , but right now that vague worry is at the edges of my being.

When things get down I read your posts. I thank of all of you in your various stages of preop and post op for you allow me to know I am not a nutty, doomed body made with alien parts and a brain that has taken a strange turn. You make me smile and go on.

 

[hippywoman]

Day 19
I came back to my land today for a three day stay. My son Ryan is staying in the other house on our land for a few days to make sure all land hazards are cleared and some new railings are put in.

The trees are turning colors and though I am tired from all the stairs. Life is good.

 

[Laceylake]

You look great..

 

[hippywoman]

Thanks @Laceylake. I have been at my mountain home two days now and right now I am resting and icing. Weary woman!

My son Ryan came down for the weekend to put in hand rails and deck ramps..he did it all in the rain for me. I get choked up by his kindness.

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[Laceylake]

Are you alone most of the time? Must be nice and quiet for you evenings and nights. I'm alone majority of the time lately, the days have been warm and beautiful here, but now raining and bringing down the leaves....sometimes I mind it and sometimes I don't. I just wish I could get a handle on this lightheaded thing then I could drive places more often. Afraid by the time it's figured out I will have agrephobia

 

[hippywoman]

Are you alone most of the time? Must be nice and quiet for you evenings and nights. I'm alone majority of the time lately, the days have been warm and beautiful here, but now raining and bringing down the leaves....sometimes I mind it and sometimes I don't. I just wish I could get a handle on this lightheaded thing then I could drive places more often. Afraid by the time it's figured out I will have agrephobia

@Laceylake Your question about being alone got me to thinking. Actually it has been on my mind on and off since surgery.

I think I have been feeling vulnerable at times and a little sad about the impermanence of life.
This surgery this time made more aware of the passing of time and that one day I may out live my current husband as I did my first hubby .

When Ray and I got married I had just retired from work in child welfare. We kept both of our own homes so we could have together and alone time to do projects. After working so many years in an intense field I like having the time to paint and write and garden at my own place.

Ray and I did lots of fun things since we first met and then continued after we married. He is so much a part of my life and joy. We enjoy time together and have been okay with time apart.

It is one thing to choose aloneness and another to have it foisted on you. The emotional left over from the surgery pulls me sometimes into thinking about how sad I would be to lose Ray.

I am focusing lots on things of creativity and joy but the desire to be alone is not there right now. Does that make sense?

 

[Laceylake]

@hippywoman yes, it does make sense, you worked child welfare. I retired as a welfare worker state of michigan, actual title was job education and training specialist, and that type of work is challenging, stressful with early burn out. Back to the jest, it's nice you have that creative side, giving you something that you enjoy t o take up your time. I never had that but was always busy, now that I retired I have too much time done say they are busier after retirement, that has not been me. So, after I heal, I will be needing to find a part time job and I thought after rehab, I might get into caretaker because I was pretty much alone and scared, actually petrified is better word for me. I know there has to be others out there looking forward to surgery, alone and scared and maybe I can help.

 

[hippywoman]

@Laceylake I wonder if there are many of us retired folks from social service fields who go from intense people contact to little people contact after retirement.

I suspect some of us filled our need for human interaction through the work. I know after working with so many people all day at an intense level I craved quiet time at night and on the weekends.

After retirement I thought I would keep up work friendships but when the time came I had no interest or energy to interact with the level of intensity they still had.

I am a very late blooming artist so I do have this new interest. My kids are spread all over the world so I do some travel.Ray and I have active times and great conversations.

But still I am mulling over during this recovery about being alone in the future. I like your idea of helping others through pt work.

Again you got me to thinking about what it is that gives me meaning in life. Going to parties does not do it. I could join art groups, take classes etc. But like you I want my human contact time to somehow be of help to others

So you got me thinking and I am going to make some notes for myself about what I can do.

It is not odd that at our time in life and especially after our kind of careers that a surgery and its recovery time could give birth to fears and anxiety.

We begin to ponder the meaning of life even more and the fragility of our bodies etc.

You are wise to make a plan for after.

And you inspire me to think about possibilities. Thank you thank you.


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[Laceylake]

@hippywoman I like you HW, too bad we live so far away lol you think like me, we could probably be friends

 

[CricketHip]

hi @hippywoman ! you are doing well and I am enjoying your recovery thread. I love your bowling pin people! so cute. you made me chuckle. and thats a good thing. Keep on healing and laughing!

 

[hippywoman]

Yesterday was my three week anniversary

Three weeks . . . amazing. I am in awe how quickly I am mobile after such major surgery and how the pain from before is a distant slightly hideous memory.

Every time I walk I am getting stronger now not damaging a osteoarthritic hip.

BUT......though I feel growing well being physically its those darn thoughts and emotions that are still taking me on a curious journey in maze. The trick is to self correct effectively when I wander mentally into a road block.

Maybe some of you are younger and not experiencing this sense of vulnerability and the awareness of the impermanence of life that grows with aging, especially after major surgery. It is significant and real.

I know that the weariness and sleep disturbances make it harder to manage my thoughts and the emotions my thoughts create.

And its not just from surgery. I realized this morning that I have not had uninterrupted deep sleep for months. The preop pain got me up almost every hour night after night.

The post op peeing and tossing and turning with the pillow battle just continued the fractured sleep pattern.

It is better now but still I get up 5 times a night and wander a bit before going back to sleep.

I practise acceptance as I wait for the morning to unfold , sleeping when I can.

I read what others write about night challenges so I know this is not weirdly me alone. I help it pass but I am trying to accept it will pass too...not feeding it with doom and gloom thinking.

Maybe some of you older folks understand this ?

It is not just a hip healing is also for me a reminder of life changing.

I work at not getting stuck in thinking errors or creating inner drama. I work at staying in the present moment.

I remind myself it is early in healing and give myself the grace to do it one step at a time. That helps. Yes?

But it is there like threads woven into my being... What is the purpose and meaning of my life as I age and how will i manage the body challenges over the next years?

It helps to imagine myself as dancing free, not being bound by morose thoughts of "what if?."

It helps to think of places of beauty my hubby and I traveled to before and can go to again like this amazing place near moab utah.

And when I get really tired and discouraged I remind myself I am lucky to have another day here.
Hugs to all of you.
Thanks @CricketHip @Laceylake @ilovefall @Nana757 @plumperfect @DeepBreath @slapstick and all of you

 

[hippywoman]

Day 26...coming up on four weeks
@Laceylake inspired me the other day to bake an apple pie. I even made handmade ice cream.
I feel like a worthy wife! Smile

Mostly things are great but I get groin aches on and off as if the tendons or muscles had been pulled too much. Ideas,?

 

[Legin]

Got ya back yup places to think are grand

Legin THR Sep 14

 

[Jaycey]

I get groin aches on and off as if the tendons or muscles had been pulled too much.

Everything in the area near your hip joint was stretched and pulled. At only 4 weeks out all that you are feeling is very normal. Ice helps. Just keep trying - what seems impossible one day will be very easy another day.

 

[Laceylake]

I went thru the same thing, kept wondering if something was wrong. Today is week 10, still have a little off and on even at the side and incision still bothers some, like it stings, I assume pulls inside. Hah, @hippywoman , homemade ice cream no less.....mmmmmm, sounds yummy.

 

[hippywoman]

TUESDAY Nov 4th... FOUR WEEKS

I went for a drive today to take photos of the autumn leaves. It felt good to get out of the house and to walk in nature

I found this fence with a broken section that animals and probably young kids had used as a make shift gate. That is how I feel these days. I am making openings in my life, breaking through the restrictions of former hip pain and sense of vulnerability.

It is not always easy. I, like most of you, have times of new aches and weariness in between the hours of healing and well being.

I CAN get my compression stockings on and off easily by myself as my giant tree leg is way smaller now that the swelling is down. Tomorrow is the mark when I do not have to wear them unless swelling happens again so I guess my new ability to put them on is a passing thrill.

I CAN walk easily without a cane .

I CAN drive and shop without discomfort as long as I pace myself and rest later.

I CAN walk on the hills around my home a little, as long as I take care to keep my balance.

I CAN cook, clean, bath, laugh, dance and other normal things without pain. Well most things. I still don't have energy for passion. It will come back , please please please. Smile

It is still a bit of a roller coaster ride emotionally. The turn back of the clocks and the darker afternoons afternoons sometimes adds to the blues.

It is not painful to sleep but I still get up five and six times a night. I seem to have developed a restless sleeping pattern over the last year with the preop pain, the landslide, the wildfire, the meth addict in psychosis who came to my house at 2am and a few other weird events last year. HMMMM come to think of it I guess my restless sleeping pattern is kind of understandable.

I will be glad to sleep five hours straight !

I stood for awhile by this forest today and smiled. All in all I am going in the right direction and finding beauty again all around me.

 

[Legin]

Well done it takes a level head to sometimes stand back and not be caught up in what you can't do. That attitude tells me you are doing well. Lots of people still here for you if needed and many who value your support.

Legin THR Sep 14

 

[Laceylake]

Hi HW, sounds like you are doing really well psyically. I am at 10 weeks and still use my cane, once I get started I walk pretty good but its those first few steps, without cane at home but use outside for steadiness. I seem to stagger some lol.....haven't worn compression stockings 3 weeks, swelled some but now they don't. I still use the pillow between legs because I'm use to it and did it before surgery. I sleep okay, time change has affected me some, go to bed around 11, watch TV fall asleep up around 7 but wake several times between. I cook, clean but haven't felt like dancing, haha....no passion here either, no desire at this time. I envy that you like to get out, I have to make myself, I do drive country roads sometimes when the sun is out bright but not feeling social. Keep up the good work, love your pictures, peace.