THR Journal THR #2 10/6/15, 1st in 2006

[hippywoman]

DAY 13 Today I am going to face the nagging dread/sorrow/fear I have about my home.

There is a bit of history to this but I will try to make it brief so you will understand . I helps me to share it with you for I am also talking to the me who has been a little anxious.

I was married for 36 years to Bruce. We lived way.. WAY..out in to the forest of Oregon with our four sons.We had built our home ourselves out of logs.

Our house burned to the grown in 2004. Our children were grown, but they all came home to help us clear the rubble of the land and rebuild.

We lived in tents while we cleared the land and started to put in a foundation. My whole body got a work out but so did my soul.

Nine months later while we working working at jobs, living in a tent and still working on the house Bruce was diagnosed with a brain tumor.

The community did a house raising so we would have some shelter for the winter. It was a primative place but it kept us dry and family could come there to just be together. Nine months late Bruce died at home.

During that time more wear and tear was grinding on my soul and what I would soon learn was my right hip. Hips could wear out? Who knew?

I learned. A year after Bruce died I could take it no more and had hip surgery.

I had right hip surgery in May 2006. When I came home it was to home and a land that had great memories but many new sad ones. I progressed quickly with the hip but that home still held sorrows of deep loss. I was a widow in a house that was really more mine than where our children grew up. It was the place Bruce died . It was half done and now it was up to me with a new hip to finish what we started.

The home became my art studio and healing place in many ways. It stretched me and taught me I could be strong, dealing with bears and broken water lines. I cursed the world sometimes because I did not always want to be strong.

The years passed and the house became more a home to me. The land was always home, but the house built in the rush of Bruce's brain tumor, was a place at first.

Bruce's illness and the fire had wiped out our resources. Every time I earned a few dollars I did more on the house. My sons came to visit and helped.

Over the years it took on my weird personality, an art studio for me and a place for family to visits.... and in time a few dates. In 2012 when I remarried Ray my great friend and lover, I kept my home. We spend 60% or more at Ray's or traveling, but we both needed our own places for projects and alone time.

My home and my land are a foundation for me, a family place and a sanctuary.

This last year was extremely challenging. I had a landslide and large a forest wildfire at my home. I began to feel really vulnerable. Then my left hip rapidly became damaged, most likely from all the hard work dealing with the landslide and the forest fire.

After surgery I came home to Ray's home ( no stairs like my place.)

BUT I needed to go back to my place and I was worried. So much had happened there and here I was going back there once again after hip surgery. I almost wanted to avoid it. So many emotions are attached there.

But I did go today. Ray drove me the hour and a half there along with a truck load of fire wood. As I approached the house for the second time after a hip surgery I got teary eyed. Other losses, the stresses of this year, memories of going home after Bruce died all came back. I cried.

Yet I was ready. My hip had been strong for several days with no pain and little discomfort. I felt physically like I was getting back to the new me, if that makes sense.

We drove up to my home. I honored the losses and the memories. I celebrated how much I have accomplished over these last few years.

I had this ahha...everything right now is getting better. I look forward to a new chapter in my life with no hip pain, a great hubby, wonderful grand children and children and a thousand opportunities.

This last year under the fog of pain and the forest fire and the landslide.... I burned up. I took a slide, I felt gimpy emotionally. Not now. Okay not much now. I am after all still healing on the RECOVERY roller coaster. Smile.

Now is a new and pain free beginning. (a special thanks to Dr Duwelius for two great hips)

 

[Plum Perfect]

Such a bittersweet story @hippywoman you look beautiful and very much at peace with yourself. Continue your healing and loving and embracing your life.

 

[Hip Hip Hooray!]

Look at you! That beautiful house and what a garden! Incredible story. I really believe that our emotions have a lot to do with our hips. I've thought about that a lot during this recovery. (Especially grief.) So glad that you are healing well and have so much love in your life. You look great.

 

[hippywoman]

Such a bittersweet story @hippywoman you look beautiful and very much at peace with yourself. Continue your healing and loving and embracing your life.

Thanks my new dear hippy friend. Of course now that I am back at rays I am tired from the journey and a little emotional. I will go stay at my place this weekend for a few days when my oldest son will be there in the other home on the land. I need to be independent there...and Ray will be so ready for some alone, non hip time too. After all it is affecting both of us.[emoji28]

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[Laceylake]

Hope it works out for you, lovely home peaceful setting and you are obviously doing great, couldn't imagine riding that long in a vehicle even where I am nowyou are strong with good friends and family. Good luck girl.

 

[hippywoman]

DAY 13 p.s. It is evening now and of course that creature RECOVERY was waiting. I began to feel soar and achy in my hip and pretty tired. Was I doing a roller coaster ride again? Then Ray reminded me that today was the first time I had climbed stairs....and lots of them.

My home is tri level and on a hill so today when I was there I was up and down lots of steep stairs. (up with the good,down with the bad, three point of contact at all times SMILE)

I am icing my leg, resting up and feeling the release of some pent up emotions. I think I will cry tonight again for the past and smile again for the present and the future.

Like I mentioned, I wrote that post to all of you but to me as well to remind myself what I had been have been through and can do. I wanted to put it out there that yes this is a great new beginning so when then next inevitable down comes I will read it to myself too.
Smile

 

[hippywoman]

Hope it works out for you, lovely home peaceful setting and you are obviously doing great, couldn't imagine riding that long in a vehicle even where I am nowyou are strong with good friends and family. Good luck girl.

@LaceLake ... see my PS for the day. Yup icing my hip. Ray drove and that helped but I am tired tired tonight. Up and down is the routine for healing..

 

[Jaycey]

What a wonderful story @hippywoman ! Your house is lovely and I hear you about wanting some alone time. Just take things very slow and steady. Plan your moving around that space as it is "new" to your hip. Ask for help if you need it! Still very early days for you. But each and every day will bring progress - even if it's very small.

 

[hippywoman]

Thanks @Jaycey. We went for the day. I'll be back there for four days this weekend on my own with my son near by for two nights. Last night I was TIRED. Lots of muscle aches but in both legs like any out of practise hiker the first day out. Forgot I had been not walking stairs and hills for three weeks!
Pampering myself today!!!

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[Jaycey]

Very early days for all that activity. At your stage in recovery I planned an active day followed by a rest day with icing, elevating and sleep if possible. Don't forget energy drain after THR can be one of the biggest roadblocks. Don't ignore it - just roll with it.

 

[DeepBreath]

Awww, @hippywoman, your story is amazing. You're obviously very strong to have gotten through such rough times with such a sweet spirit. Thank you for sharing that.
I am sending out good vibes that the coming week is wonderful for you.

 

[Laceylake]

How r u feeling ms Hippywoman? Hopefully more rested and a little more relaxed? Thinking about ya, having an emotional day myself, feel sorry for Deb day.....

 

[hippywoman]

Day 14 My signature says I am a 65 year young woman in the wilds of Oregon. Today a better description would be a bitchy and achy woman who actually was jealous of you @CricketHip and @Plum Perfect .

I was resting and reading your back posts from your surgeries where it seemed you had no pain. Darn I had pain those two days in hospital especially when they did not do the meds on time. Then I laughed at myself today for actually being jealous of you for doing better than me!

My real thought driven emotions went something like this... what was wrong with me for having pain back then? I should have know to ask for the pain meds on time?Am I not as healthy and strong? and a bunch of other fleeting BS thoughts.

Then I read some other posts from folks and realized there are a wide range of experiences .

Anybody else have moments of wondering why you were not doing this or that as soon or as well as someone else?

What I can tell newbies is that if you are about to have surgery or are in the first few days i recommend learning from people on this post but do not fall into the very human trap of judging your progress by someone else's. That trickster RECOVERY already messes with our emotions and bodies enough without trying to compare ourselves.

 

[Plum Perfect]

I'm not quite laughing, but almost, @hippywoman because when I looked at your photo all I could think was what a beautiful spot you have for recovery! We all have those mental things going on. I love where I live but green it is NOT - the drought has everything barely hanging on, I miss the flowers and green which is no longer typical. You are right that the range of experiences is very diverse, for me I had so much pain pre-surgery that the post surgical pain was almost a relief because it was different and I knew it would improve while the other was continually getting worse. Where do you live in Oregon? I go to several dog shows there every year, most are around the Albany area, they are usually at different fairgrounds. I always love the drive up and hanging out with friends, it has been great because I couldn't do it until I retired and then poof my hip started to get really bad. I'm so looking forward to enjoying the trips next year. Have a great evening and continue embracing your great recovery.

 

[hippywoman]

I saw this photo and figured the sloth had it right....sometimes you just need to hangout and chill

 

[hippywoman]

How r u feeling ms Hippywoman? Hopefully more rested and a little more relaxed? Thinking about ya, having an emotional day myself, feel sorry for Deb day.....

Hi @Laceylake, sorry to hear you are having an emotional day. I am trying to remember when your surgery was. Summer? Are you about ready for a second one or am I in lala land?

I was thinking about my first hip back in May of 2006. Six months after surgery I was heading into fall with the change of weather and shorter days. It is beautiful here in Oregon but it can be slippery and cold and dark too. Aren't you in Michigan or the east coast?. Heading in to winter there I would think could be tough unless you are an avid outdoor winter person.

For me winter approaching brought up feelings of the potential dangers and the endlessness of recovery. I was lots better but it was like an emotional setback.

I am a bit nervous about winter this time so close to surgery.

Today I am a little up and down too so lets say to heck with it and find some moments of unexpected beauty... Here is my beauty for you. It is a painting I did before my hubby died. I made it into a poster.

 

[hippywoman]

I'm not quite laughing, but almost, @hippywoman because when I looked at your photo all I could think was what a beautiful spot you have for recovery! We all have those mental things going on. I love where I live but green it is NOT - the drought has everything barely hanging on, I miss the flowers and green which is no longer typical. You are right that the range of experiences is very diverse, for me I had so much pain pre-surgery that the post surgical pain was almost a relief because it was different and I knew it would improve while the other was continually getting worse. Where do you live in Oregon? I go to several dog shows there every year, most are around the Albany area, they are usually at different fairgrounds. I always love the drive up and hanging out with friends, it has been great because I couldn't do it until I retired and then poof my hip started to get really bad. I'm so looking forward to enjoying the trips next year. Have a great evening and continue embracing your great recovery.

@Plum Perfect I live in Southern Oregon and yes it is green and lush and lots of water. The white dot is me. I have two creeks , a pasture and lots of wild creatures. The deer mowed down my front yard this fall because the wildfire that happened drove them to anything green. It is growing back though

The large dangerous wildfire threatened our home and was close to my place this summer. It is over and right now it is raining. Tomorrow back to sunshine.

Are you one of those BEST OF THE SHOW doggy people? You don't sound one dimensional... very the opposite.
What kind of doggies do you show. My shitzus are hopelessly adorable but would never make a show.. Ok I admit I am not the best trainer. I got suckered by their cuddleness.

 

[Laceylake]

Surgery 8-24-15 lthr, michigan small town west of capital lansing.. Weather is changing, trees are changing there's been snow to the north hope it's not on its way until we have fully enjoyed fall colors. I hate rushing my life away but am looking forward to my 6 month surgery anniversary in February. I guess I am doing well, walk without cane but don't think I walk far enough, haven't really shopped at all, just haven't felt like it. I probably need to get out, dhak d off the funk. You are very talented by the way, beautiful painting.

 

[Jaycey]

Anybody else have moments of wondering why you were not doing this or that as soon or as well as someone else?

Yup - nearly all the time with my left hip as the recovery took over one year (yes you read that right - 12 months +). My RTHR recovery was much easier! Literally every THR is different. Don't judge your own progress based on any other recovery. You are doing great!

 

[hippywoman]

Two week anniversary. DAY 15

Some genius artist created these colorfol fort tents you can camp in and be surrounded by color.

Looking back at the year before my hip surgery I see my world as a tent that kept shrinking and losing color. As the pain grew I kept trying to be active but I made adjustments.

My hubby became more cautious too about exposing me to now potentially dangerous adventures.

I didn't ride on the Harley with him.
I didn't go gold mining with him.
We didn't take a cross country trip like we do most years .

I am basically a person who seeks beauty and wonder but even that was through an increasing gray fog of pain.

Pain or the anticipation of pain was there, fuzzying my ability to be fully present in the world.

You know that state?

This last week I thought my taste buds had changed from the surgery. Things like coffee tasted so much stronger. Broccoli was intensley flavorful.

In the middle of the night last night I made an open faced peanut butter and blackberry jam sandwich to chase the Tylenol.

The organic crunchy peanut butter and the blackberry jam were the best I had ever tasted. The wholegrain bakery bread had nuts and flavors that with each bite made me smile.

I ate it slowly with full attention to what I was experiencing. Ahhhhh

I realized when I finished that I had eaten it with out the fog of pain that had dulled my life preop.

I have a ways to go on this recovery journey but today I am deliberately going to take moments to fully savor life.

Without preop hip pain it is so much more vibrant and tasty and colorful and I want to appreciate that.

I am moving back into the world with eyes more open and a soul more fully present.