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RestAssured said:
glynis,

I had suggested not washing the children's clothes because they were too lazy to even gather them from their room and take them downstairs! Natalie, I am so glad that the children are putting their dirty clothes by the washer. How about after they are dried you can either fold or put them on hangars but leave them there! YOU need to worry about you! I am so glad that your daughter I starting to help. It is time to give your son responsibility but also attention. After teaching for 20 years I saw his pattern come out time and time again. It is the case of Grandma and Dad let me do what I want, while my Mom and my Stepdad try to set boundaries.
Can you set the meeting up so your ex-husband can be there also? Do you have a cordial relationship with him or do your kids hear both of you bad mouthing the other? Makes a Huge difference. Dad needs to "get on board" and both of you agree on common rules. I would always call both parents because it made the children feel better. I never waited 5 months though, then decided to send a letter out like this! I will tell you though; if parents came in ready to attack my ideas, I would tell them " we are trying to figure out what is in the best interest of the child." I am only offering ideas. None of these may fit your situation, but you need some relief from the pain! If it is one teacher that you will be meeting with, call and ask her if she can make a house visit. I did that several times for disabled people!
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Hi Sonja thanks for your support as always,I have a really good relationship with the kids dad and I've discussed the issues I am having at home with the kids regarding chores etc,they are made to do stuff at his house,he lives with his mum and dad,but his mum the kids grandma would rather just get stuff done Shes retired and doesn't have many other things to do so sort of lives for the kids coming and taking care of them but after a chat at the weekend she was happy to go with what I said.
I have spoken to school this Morning the kids were off yesterday as it was a national holiday here in the UK and they've told me he is one of 14 children in his year that they feel are disrupting lessons and outdoor recreation time she said the whole year are challenging and after observing feel Ciaran and 13 others are the main problem.
I told her it was a struggle to get to school but she said she couldn't come to me so I have to go in tomorrow at 12.
I have to say I'm dreading it I always feel like a failure :(
 
glynis said:
I absolutely agree with Rest Assured that Ciaran should contribute to household tasks such as the laundry, but the point I was making was about my particular bugbear: which is that teachers, and social workers especially, can write anything they like in their reports, even if it is just a vague anecdotal observation, and suddenly it becomes accepted as fact.

I know of too many cases like this. One started with a comment: "His teacher observed that James had been wearing the same jumper all week". So what if he had? Perhaps it was his favourite jumper. But anyone reading that teacher's remark immediately had the idea put into their head that the mother was lacking in her care.

Brownie's school's strategy of letting the child leave a class if he feels stressed sounds Excellent. I hope there are schools over here moving along those lines.

The "rewards scheme" which you mention was tried with Ciaran sounds the best way forward to me. I would weight it so that it is easier for him to get the rewards than the detentions. People like to succeed, not to fail. Cut him a bit of slack here.

And, as Rest Assured mentions, do be consistent. Children like to break rules (and that's quite natural), but they also like to be clear exactly what the boundaries are.

My personal view would be not to continue with confining Ciaran to his room. I'm sure there will be different schools of thought on this, but being confined anywhere is genuinely terrifying to me. I know I would react as he does. (Even at my great age...)

I wonder if he gets enough exercise? I had a window cleaner once who was very worried about his son's behaviour. Matters came to a head one Christmas when the boy trashed his sister's new bike. The father devised a strategy where he took the boy camping in the Peak District some weekends. The boy had his dad's undivided attention, and he could just run, and run, and run in the countryside. The sister had a fun time at home with mum.

I know your circumstances mean that you couldn't do anything as structured as this. Would Ciaran join Scouts, or go on an Outward Bound course, or anything like that?

Don't beat yourself up too much about this, Natalie. Being a parent is hard work, that's for sure!

How funny about the 12 am/pm business! My last appt letter from Wrightington was for "12.30 Noon". Work that one out!

Glynis
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Hi Glynis,

We've tried Ciaran with Army Cadets and he loved it and he was going up until March from September and he just quit he said he no longer wanted to go we were so upset as he seemed to be doing so well.
He gets a lot of exercise as he does something called free running in his spare time it's where they perform tricks off walls and things and its very high energy.
I think the main reason I put him in his room is his violence he's broken a few things in the past and he's hurt his sister and attacked Scott and I so it's a safety thing more than anything.
Like I said to Sonja above we have an appointment tomorrow at 12 noon!!Lol!
I am not looking forward to it but it has to be done and hopefully we an move forward and we are setting a rewards system up for him.
 
Pain wise Ive spoken to my GP and we've made a mutual decision to keep the medication at the same dosage I am at now as it makes no difference wether I'm on 10mg or 100mg because I am still in agony every day,if I increase the meds I feel rotten I suffer with nausea and constipation and not feeling myself where as if I stay on a dosage that is ok with me that I only have minimal side effects.
Pain is a 7/8 on most days and I can reduce it to a 5 for the few hours after my medication and for now I can handle that sort of.
 
Whoa whoa whoa, your child and 13 others are disruptive?! Hmmm... Sounds like the problem isn't so much within the children, especially since they decided to wait 5 months to bring it to your and I'm sure 13 other parent's attention! That is unacceptable in a school system! I always called the parents, with the child present, and then put the child on the phone to explain! That way there was no miscommunication. If the problem continued. I invited the parents to sit in class, or to a parent conference. Natalie, YOU are not a failure. Non-Communication by the school he attends is failing him and 13 other students! Shame on them! :headbang:
 
I agree with Sonja. 14 children in one year are disruptive? Something wrong there. Is there one teacher who is letting them walk all over him/her? Obviously if 2 or 3 start playing up, and nothing is done, it won't be very long before another 4 or 5 join in the general mayhem.

Do you know any of the other parents? A couple of phone calls this evening might be informative.

Go into the appointment with a polite attitude, but remember you are at least as intelligent as this woman. Has she had experience before of 14 children in one year becoming disruptive? What were found to be the problems? And, importantly, the solutions?

Don't make a big thing of it with Ciaran. Despite his bravado, I bet he is scared stiff. Let him know you are concerned, but play it very cool.

(As you can probably tell, I've been through something of this nature myself. It's very difficult.)

All best wishes.

Glynis
 
Thanks so much for the advice it helps so much I don't know any of the other parents its so difficult being as poorly as I have been I don't tend to socialise a lot and don't attend school events only the most important ones.
It's one teacher that has the issue mainly and others that have said they've had a few problems with the children they've been in the high school for nearly 2 years now it really should have been sorted if its that bad.
I am sorry to hear you've been through something similar Glynis xx
 
So it is one teacher and 14 students? It sounds like the teacher is losing control and is grasping at straws! I had a teacher who was next door to me who screamed and yelled all of the time! The kids got a kick out of it until I would walk in! A stern look from me and an invitation to my d-hall would quiet them down. I explained that I was teaching, and if they interrupted my teaching time I would interrupt their social time after school! I made sure that the teacher stayed with me, and gave her techniques to use besides screaming, and life was better for both of us. As Glynis said, keep an open mind when going in and listen carefully. Take notes as she is describing the problem, because when a teacher is having so many problems, you will soon realize it is about a lot more than just your son. After the meeting, talk with Ciaran's dad, and the two of you should make an appointment if possible with the principle. You will do fine! The teacher will be as nervous as you especially since she has already faced several other parents! LOL
 
Yes 1 teacher and 14 parents and its not the teacher who has the problem who is seeing us its the head of house it's a joke really that he isn't even having the meeting with us.
Ciaran has has numerous problems with him since day one Ciaran achieves B grades in every subject but the one this teacher takes which is Maths and he gets a D.

Scott will be with me tomorrow so that will help me.Ciaran isn't bothered in the slightest that's what worries me more than anything!
 
Natalie you mean that literally there are 14 kids in Ciaran's class that are having issues? Or 14 in the school, 14 out of how many? The fact that they have targeted 14 and added them up is kind of weird isn't it? If it's the first, then the teacher needs some help with her classroom techniques! The first thing I tell parents is to take their child to their pediatrician and tell them all about the behavior and see what they think. You've probably already done that!
You are going through so much. This isn't easy but remember even though there are troubles, every day the kids are a day older and closer to maturity, common sense and moving out! He will be a normal adult who will take care of you in your old age. They say the one that wreaks the most havoc will be the one you are closest too when they grow up. Hugs Natalie!
 
Hi guys sorry Ive not had chance to let you know how it went just been in a Mess with my knee :(

The meeting explained a bit more,there is 14 kids that have been picked out by many teachers from all the different subjects and there names came up over and over again there's also another 15 who are being watched very carefully too as well as the rest of the year group of which there is approx 120 of them.
His behaviour is disruptive in most lessons he stands up and walks around the class constantly he shouts out a lot makes silly noises and is always talking to others when he shouldn't be he is also always jumping to the defence of other children that are being told off and shouting out that they don't deserve to be told off leave them alone!Which is getting him to even more trouble!
So as from Monday he will be on a report card,he reports to the head of his year in the morning she signs it then he takes it to each teacher and they score his behaviour and work effort for each lesson if he has a poor morning he will go into reflection zone in the afternoon if he has a poor afternoon he will remain behind after school and spend the next morning in reflection zone.
If at any point a support teacher is called to a class Ciaran is in because of his bad behaviour he will go straight to reflection zone.
He's also on a 3 strike rule regarding his camp trip that is in July.
So after all these discussions we came home and set up a reward chart if he has a good report card he is allowed to play on his Xbox or go out with friends if he has a bad report card he's not allowed to do these things,we've said every week he has a full week of good report he can spend the weekend doing what he likes to do best and if he gets through the full 4 weeks without a bad day there will be a reward at the end of it.
But after saying all this I've just had an email to say he was in trouble yesterday!!I just burst into tears!I cannot believe after everything we said he still played up :(
 
Natalie,
My heart goes out to you, so much on your plate, and prayers for Ciaran, that he finds his way.:angel:
 
Well, Natalie....at least it sounds like the plan they (and you) put in place is reasonable. That's a good thing. I know it must be frustrating to see Ciaran immediately revert to his bad habits, though. Does he give you any insight into why he does these things? I can certainly understand that he must not be getting up and walking around during class when the teacher is trying to go through the lessons. I would be right there with you wondering why in the world he would do these things.

But, you must stick with your plan and implement the punishment if the behavior is poor. It's sad. And I wouldn't be at all surprised if he either can't or won't explain the "why" behind what he's doing.

Sending you a "strength (((HUG))))" cuz I know you'll needs as many of those as you can get. I wish I was smarter and had some really profound advice for you.
 
Hi Natalie

Well, it sounds as though the appointment could have been worse - though I realise you would ideally not have to cope with these problems, especially when you are not feeling strong healthwise.

As far as I can make out, the "rewards" system seems the only sensible way forward. Can you augment the school's "marks" with some kind of points system at home? Points for putting the shopping away maybe, or washing the dog's bowls? I'm sure Ciaran gets you very wound up sometimes, but I would try, if you possibly can, to heap on the praise when he does something well.

What does "reflection zone" comprise exactly? If it's a quiet time when the pupils can calm down by themselves (as Brownie described at her school) then it sounds a good idea. But how long do they go to the zone for? Do they miss much time from lessons?

I think it's good that Ciaran sticks up for the other children, don't you? There's a good heart in there somewhere, which I'm sure will surface eventually!

Can't help you with any prayers. As a devout atheist I think mine would be soon dismissed if there did turn out to be anyone listening. I reckon we're all muddling through our ups and downs on our own, and I'm sorry that at present you are having more than your fair share of the muddle.

Glynis
 
I like the plan and hope the reflection zone is a kind place. But what is Ciaran is not being naughty at all and he has a problem and he truly can't control his behaviors? Children with attention deficit often need to stand in the back of the classroom so they can "legally, without breaking rules" move around. Difficulty with impulse control, the shouting out, can also be something he simply may not be able to control. One thing I really feel to be true, he is probably not trying to be naughty. He is struggling with his inner issues. I wish the school was more interested in getting to the root of his struggles. NAT I think you need a grandma or an old auntie close by to help with him on the weekends! Someone who can just focus on Ciaran all weekend, letting him exhaust his energy at the park or backyard or out running the dog and has the time to focus on him alone. We parents do not have that same kind of time and energy left! I just feel for your whole family. Having constant pain is awful awful. Not being able to chase after the kids, the dog, the housework is so difficult for a young Mom. Remember he is maturing everyday even if you can't see it.
Just know we understand and wish good things for your family.
 
Jamie said:
Well, Natalie....at least it sounds like the plan they (and you) put in place is reasonable. That's a good thing. I know it must be frustrating to see Ciaran immediately revert to his bad habits, though. Does he give you any insight into why he does these things? I can certainly understand that he must not be getting up and walking around during class when the teacher is trying to go through the lessons. I would be right there with you wondering why in the world he would do these things.

But, you must stick with your plan and implement the punishment if the behavior is poor. It's sad. And I wouldn't be at all surprised if he either can't or won't explain the "why" behind what he's doing.

Sending you a "strength (((HUG))))" cuz I know you'll needs as many of those as you can get. I wish I was smarter and had some really profound advice for you.
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Thanks Jamie xx I have asked him why he does these things and he say he doesn't know or I'm bored in class so just get up and walk around?Its so hard when there is no reasoning behind his behaviour too :(
He was in trouble again yesterday so we are faced with a whole weekend of him not being allowed out with friends or to go on the Xbox so Ive just said to him that I would love to see some of his amazing art work that he does and would he like to draw a picture over the weekend that we could get printed on to a tshirt for him he doesn't seem that keen just now but I'm hoping it will keep him busy.
 
glynis said:
Hi Natalie

Well, it sounds as though the appointment could have been worse - though I realise you would ideally not have to cope with these problems, especially when you are not feeling strong healthwise.

As far as I can make out, the "rewards" system seems the only sensible way forward. Can you augment the school's "marks" with some kind of points system at home? Points for putting the shopping away maybe, or washing the dog's bowls? I'm sure Ciaran gets you very wound up sometimes, but I would try, if you possibly can, to heap on the praise when he does something well.

What does "reflection zone" comprise exactly? If it's a quiet time when the pupils can calm down by themselves (as Brownie described at her school) then it sounds a good idea. But how long do they go to the zone for? Do they miss much time from lessons?

I think it's good that Ciaran sticks up for the other children, don't you? There's a good heart in there somewhere, which I'm sure will surface eventually!

Can't help you with any prayers. As a devout atheist I think mine would be soon dismissed if there did turn out to be anyone listening. I reckon we're all muddling through our ups and downs on our own, and I'm sorry that at present you are having more than your fair share of the muddle.

Glynis
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Hi Glynis

Yes it was better than expected and then there was some things that really upset and shocked me too.
We've put up a chart at home and he's to tick Good,Average or Bad when he brings the report home and he's to tick a section for completed homework and a section for jobs with red pen for great work and black pen for not so great so the more reds the more rewards etc.I try to praise as much as I can because positive praise always works well for Ciaran.
The reflection zone isn't as good as it sounds it is a punishment area where they aren allowed to talk the whole time yet are in there,they have to take their break an lunch in there and they are given school work to do.He hates it in there.
I agree that it good that he sticks up for others but when he's shouting at a teacher and getting himself into bother for it,it's not so goo I spoke to him yesterday and I said if you feel someone is being told of for the wrong reason you need to approach the teacher quietly not shout out in class.
Thanks for listening and replying it means a lot.
Lets hope next week is a fresh start
 
Brownie51 said:
I like the plan and hope the reflection zone is a kind place. But what is Ciaran is not being naughty at all and he has a problem and he truly can't control his behaviors? Children with attention deficit often need to stand in the back of the classroom so they can "legally, without breaking rules" move around. Difficulty with impulse control, the shouting out, can also be something he simply may not be able to control. One thing I really feel to be true, he is probably not trying to be naughty. He is struggling with his inner issues. I wish the school was more interested in getting to the root of his struggles. NAT I think you need a grandma or an old auntie close by to help with him on the weekends! Someone who can just focus on Ciaran all weekend, letting him exhaust his energy at the park or backyard or out running the dog and has the time to focus on him alone. We parents do not have that same kind of time and energy left! I just feel for your whole family. Having constant pain is awful awful. Not being able to chase after the kids, the dog, the housework is so difficult for a young Mom. Remember he is maturing everyday even if you can't see it.
Just know we understand and wish good things for your family.
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Hey
Unfortunately the reflection zone isn't the nice place it sounds to be its somewhere they go for punishment he's had a time out card in the past when he was able to get up and walk out I the classroom but he started abusing it and just wandering around the school.
Ciaran does show some traits of attention deficit but only a few of them,and I'm afraid after all these years and all the professionals they've sent him to they are no longer interested in getting to the root of it :(
Apart from the weekends he spends with his dad he really hasn't got anyone else he can spend time with who would take him out to use up his energy and stop his boredom.The weekends he is with me Scott works all weekend and because if my stupid knee we stay in.
He does go out with his friends a lot skate boarding and roller blading.
I wish I could do more with them it's horrible being in a position like this when scotts here we do more as he can help when we are out etc.
 
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