MUA It's been a long time.....
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NatalieMeadows
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Me neither Jamie spoke to my GP and he said he's happy for me to go on antibiotics and have regular bloods till then he said even if they aren't concerned about infection you have one somewhere so I will treat you so bloods next Wednesday after 6 days antibiotics.
brs0660
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Oh my, Natalie! What else can go awry! Prayers coming your way. 
Coachie
senior
Can you go to a different doctor today or tomorrow? Do you have walk-in health care over there or something like that? If it was me, I would not want to go on an antibiotic "just in case" or to cover some random infection. I would want to know exactly where the infection is and why I am being put on the medication.
I know you say you have been pro-active in getting appointments, but I think you need to DEMAND to get an appointment and not give in until you have one right away. But, maybe you have tried that, so sorry if I seem pushy.
I know you say you have been pro-active in getting appointments, but I think you need to DEMAND to get an appointment and not give in until you have one right away. But, maybe you have tried that, so sorry if I seem pushy.
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NatalieMeadows
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Well I've rang them today and the appointment isn't to even see my surgeon it's his registrar so I'm not even seeing the main man!!
Nothing can be done unless their is a cancellation and apparently I'm not to worry!
Nothing can be done unless their is a cancellation and apparently I'm not to worry!
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NatalieMeadows
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Just when you think things can't get any worse I've just received the following letter from my Sons school :(
![[Bonesmart.org] It's been a long time.....](https://bonesmart.org/forum/attachments/imageuploadedbytapatalk1367660169-232179-jpg.11728/ "[Bonesmart.org] It's been a long time.....")
Dear Natalie
The letter infuriates me.
I know there are several teachers on this forum, and I don't want to offend anybody, but its supercilious tone and air of supreme authority are staggeringly inappropriate. Instead of a thoughtful "We are very hopeful that working together we can improve matters", the writer decides on "This cannot be allowed to continue".
Presumably she knows something of your circumstances? No doubt she's been on numerous training courses in child psychology. But what none of these courses can teach is plain common sense. I don't know you or your son, but my money would be on him being desperately worried about you, and "lashing out" being the only way he can get some kind of release from his fears and concerns.
You say Social Services are supposed to be offering you some help? Mention that to the school. Maybe they can put pressure on SS, and get you more hours of help.
I understand Sonja's idea about not washing the children's clothes if they refuse to help, but I can only see that having bad repercussions. You only have to get your name on a SS report, with a statement such as "Mother possibly does not understand the importance of personal hygiene", and things coud go from bad to worse.
You say the children will help with walking the dog. Could you build on that? Could they perhaps take over all responsibility for looking after the dog... feeding, budgeting for food, changing bedding, brushing... I feel that with all the difficulties which they can undoubtedly feel in the house - though I am sure you try to keep your worries away from them - a big responsibility like that might give them some sort of grounding. They might make a few mistakes at first, but don't react too much if they do. Give them another chance. (Poor dog will have to cope!)
When you go in to meet this woman, I am sorry to say it but you will have to be quite compliant. Tell her everything you have tried, and ask her how she thinks you should all best proceed.
Resist the obvious temptation to be furious with Ciaran. Try to move along the lines of "Ciaran, I know things are difficult for all of us right now. But I really need you to be more helpful. You're nearly grown up now, and I know you could be a big help to me."
Go into the interview with a co-operative attitude, but stand your ground. Treat her like an intelligent woman, and expected to be treated the same.
These are difficult times for you, Natalie. Onwards and upwards!
Glynis
The letter infuriates me.
I know there are several teachers on this forum, and I don't want to offend anybody, but its supercilious tone and air of supreme authority are staggeringly inappropriate. Instead of a thoughtful "We are very hopeful that working together we can improve matters", the writer decides on "This cannot be allowed to continue".
Presumably she knows something of your circumstances? No doubt she's been on numerous training courses in child psychology. But what none of these courses can teach is plain common sense. I don't know you or your son, but my money would be on him being desperately worried about you, and "lashing out" being the only way he can get some kind of release from his fears and concerns.
You say Social Services are supposed to be offering you some help? Mention that to the school. Maybe they can put pressure on SS, and get you more hours of help.
I understand Sonja's idea about not washing the children's clothes if they refuse to help, but I can only see that having bad repercussions. You only have to get your name on a SS report, with a statement such as "Mother possibly does not understand the importance of personal hygiene", and things coud go from bad to worse.
You say the children will help with walking the dog. Could you build on that? Could they perhaps take over all responsibility for looking after the dog... feeding, budgeting for food, changing bedding, brushing... I feel that with all the difficulties which they can undoubtedly feel in the house - though I am sure you try to keep your worries away from them - a big responsibility like that might give them some sort of grounding. They might make a few mistakes at first, but don't react too much if they do. Give them another chance. (Poor dog will have to cope!)
When you go in to meet this woman, I am sorry to say it but you will have to be quite compliant. Tell her everything you have tried, and ask her how she thinks you should all best proceed.
Resist the obvious temptation to be furious with Ciaran. Try to move along the lines of "Ciaran, I know things are difficult for all of us right now. But I really need you to be more helpful. You're nearly grown up now, and I know you could be a big help to me."
Go into the interview with a co-operative attitude, but stand your ground. Treat her like an intelligent woman, and expected to be treated the same.
These are difficult times for you, Natalie. Onwards and upwards!
Glynis
Brownie51
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Hi Natalie
I am sorry you are going through so much! I am a school nurse for a high school in the US. You probably have many rights in the UK too.
If a child does not require special education. We have a 504 Plan, it is a legal document. The teachers follow a plan. You meet with all the teachers AND the school psychologist to brainstorm how to HELP the child who is struggling. YOu could request to meet with the psychologist first, not to put a label on your child, but to discuss the issues. Then in the meeting you have someone on your side. Also you can have anyone you want come into any meetings to assist you. I am not telling you to put your son's issues all back on the school but WE need to work together to help your child succeed. What were their various strategies and did they discuss this with you all along? Maybe you would not have agreed with these strategies. Your son is still a child and deserves all the help to get through school and life that he can get. You have been sick for awhile Natalie. Sometimes this scares our kids. They worry we are going to die, even if they don't verbalize it. And what would they do without MOM? I think you need to go into this meeting, not on the defensive, but do not let them throw all his mistakes on to you. The meeting should be..."how can we as a team help Ciaran?"
I have no idea about this thing with the clothing but if a child is in dirty clothes the teachers go nuts. Not sure if that was a school issue or not!
If you want to train him to do his laundry, do that during the breaks. I know he is capable and has enough time but I wouldn't force that during the school year. All of us at Millikan look at it that the kids' JOB is to go to school and do his work. Does Ciaran have ADHD? That qualifies him for a 504 Plan right there. The school can bring up medication but they cannot recommend it. I am sure curious what he's doing to have caused the letter but you don't need to share that if you don't want to.
Aw Natalie I hope this all gets straightened out! I feel for you! It's all too much isn't it?
Hugs Marianne
I am sorry you are going through so much! I am a school nurse for a high school in the US. You probably have many rights in the UK too.
If a child does not require special education. We have a 504 Plan, it is a legal document. The teachers follow a plan. You meet with all the teachers AND the school psychologist to brainstorm how to HELP the child who is struggling. YOu could request to meet with the psychologist first, not to put a label on your child, but to discuss the issues. Then in the meeting you have someone on your side. Also you can have anyone you want come into any meetings to assist you. I am not telling you to put your son's issues all back on the school but WE need to work together to help your child succeed. What were their various strategies and did they discuss this with you all along? Maybe you would not have agreed with these strategies. Your son is still a child and deserves all the help to get through school and life that he can get. You have been sick for awhile Natalie. Sometimes this scares our kids. They worry we are going to die, even if they don't verbalize it. And what would they do without MOM? I think you need to go into this meeting, not on the defensive, but do not let them throw all his mistakes on to you. The meeting should be..."how can we as a team help Ciaran?"
I have no idea about this thing with the clothing but if a child is in dirty clothes the teachers go nuts. Not sure if that was a school issue or not!
If you want to train him to do his laundry, do that during the breaks. I know he is capable and has enough time but I wouldn't force that during the school year. All of us at Millikan look at it that the kids' JOB is to go to school and do his work. Does Ciaran have ADHD? That qualifies him for a 504 Plan right there. The school can bring up medication but they cannot recommend it. I am sure curious what he's doing to have caused the letter but you don't need to share that if you don't want to. Aw Natalie I hope this all gets straightened out! I feel for you! It's all too much isn't it?
Hugs Marianne
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NatalieMeadows
post-grad
Thank you do much Glynis for your kind an considerate and helpful words.
Ciaran has had issues since pre school at the age of 3 he has been suspended and excluded so many times over the years and I've worked with his current school in numerous occasions he's been put on a report card and had extra tuition and support from a counsellor to get things off his chest like the worries he has about me my knee started when he was 3 and along came bad behaviour Ciaran is happy if you are paying him attention and he isn't bothered wether its bad or good attention.
School are fully aware that I'm disabled and how much I struggle whats really annoyed me about the letter is the fact that up until Christmas I was in constant contact with them regarding his behaviour and he was doing really well and here I was presuming things were ok and then 5 month later they spring this letter on me why couldn't they have done what they've done in the past rang me or emailed me and we could have discussed a plan to put on place to help him.
I hate going into that school they look down at me like I'm a mum that can't cope because I'm disabled and I am letting my child run riot :(
This isn't the case at all.
My eldest has come around to the fact that we need more help in the house and is actually mortified that we've requested help from social services an said in he words "why when we can all help" this baffled me!I told her that they don't help and Scott and I are drowning with all the housework etc and since this conversation she has helped more but Ciaran has just totally ignored it.
The social services are taking a long while to get things going so we are still struggling along,but doing ok.
Ciaran has had issues since pre school at the age of 3 he has been suspended and excluded so many times over the years and I've worked with his current school in numerous occasions he's been put on a report card and had extra tuition and support from a counsellor to get things off his chest like the worries he has about me my knee started when he was 3 and along came bad behaviour Ciaran is happy if you are paying him attention and he isn't bothered wether its bad or good attention.
School are fully aware that I'm disabled and how much I struggle whats really annoyed me about the letter is the fact that up until Christmas I was in constant contact with them regarding his behaviour and he was doing really well and here I was presuming things were ok and then 5 month later they spring this letter on me why couldn't they have done what they've done in the past rang me or emailed me and we could have discussed a plan to put on place to help him.
I hate going into that school they look down at me like I'm a mum that can't cope because I'm disabled and I am letting my child run riot :(
This isn't the case at all.
My eldest has come around to the fact that we need more help in the house and is actually mortified that we've requested help from social services an said in he words "why when we can all help" this baffled me!I told her that they don't help and Scott and I are drowning with all the housework etc and since this conversation she has helped more but Ciaran has just totally ignored it.
The social services are taking a long while to get things going so we are still struggling along,but doing ok.
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NatalieMeadows
post-grad
It really is Marianne it's so tough :(
The laundry issue was regarding the kids refusing to help around the house and me doing everything for them and resulting in me being in even more pain,someone suggested that I don't do their clothes and see how they get on then but as they go to their dads several times a week their grandma would do their washing if I didn't and if I'm honest Ciaran would wear stuff dirty and I couldn't let that happen I do however insist that they put it all in front of the washing machine from now on because I can't carry laundry up and down the stairs.
Regarding school we've had several strategies put in place before now,report cards counselling and reward schemes.He has seen a child psychologist and he doesn't have any behavioural disabilities.Therefore doesnt qualify for what we call an educational statement here they basically just think he's naughty and acts up all the time.
It is tough on him I'm poorly a lot and we don't get out loads as a family Scott tried to take him out as often as he can and he spends time with his dad and I've tried to get him into lots of after school stuff,he just seems to settle down and we have a flare up of bad behaviour again,he is very hormonal too he's just about to turn 13 so that really doesn't help either!!
The laundry issue was regarding the kids refusing to help around the house and me doing everything for them and resulting in me being in even more pain,someone suggested that I don't do their clothes and see how they get on then but as they go to their dads several times a week their grandma would do their washing if I didn't and if I'm honest Ciaran would wear stuff dirty and I couldn't let that happen I do however insist that they put it all in front of the washing machine from now on because I can't carry laundry up and down the stairs.
Regarding school we've had several strategies put in place before now,report cards counselling and reward schemes.He has seen a child psychologist and he doesn't have any behavioural disabilities.Therefore doesnt qualify for what we call an educational statement here they basically just think he's naughty and acts up all the time.
It is tough on him I'm poorly a lot and we don't get out loads as a family Scott tried to take him out as often as he can and he spends time with his dad and I've tried to get him into lots of after school stuff,he just seems to settle down and we have a flare up of bad behaviour again,he is very hormonal too he's just about to turn 13 so that really doesn't help either!!
Brownie51
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He's not stealing, doing or selling drugs or beating up kids right?
There IS a disability somewhere in his behavior. We don't throw away kids who are having troubles. Non medical people do not get to make the "diagnosis" that Ciaran is just purposefully naughty!
When we have a high school student who has behavioral issues we work with their outside psych who writes recommendations for him. The fact that he has a psychologist is grounds for the educational statement. WE allow kids to leave class who are feeling like they need a break, instead of them disrupting the classroom. So it's usually the boys and they will just come sit in my office, I have lots of windows, it's pretty pleasant, I turn the light off on their area and chat with them while I do my work or they just close their eyes for a bit. I have quite a few students with anxiety problems who do this. Sometimes I will put music on. Some of them prefer to go look for our school psychologist.
Okay educational, medical and psych Bonesmarties come over here and brainstorm with us.
There IS a disability somewhere in his behavior. We don't throw away kids who are having troubles. Non medical people do not get to make the "diagnosis" that Ciaran is just purposefully naughty!
When we have a high school student who has behavioral issues we work with their outside psych who writes recommendations for him. The fact that he has a psychologist is grounds for the educational statement. WE allow kids to leave class who are feeling like they need a break, instead of them disrupting the classroom. So it's usually the boys and they will just come sit in my office, I have lots of windows, it's pretty pleasant, I turn the light off on their area and chat with them while I do my work or they just close their eyes for a bit. I have quite a few students with anxiety problems who do this. Sometimes I will put music on. Some of them prefer to go look for our school psychologist.
Okay educational, medical and psych Bonesmarties come over here and brainstorm with us.
Brownie51
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Natalie I hadn't seen your other post. Wow that would really bother me too! BAsically no news is good news in the school world!!! So what a disappointment when that harsh letter came. Why not a phone call since you are already working with him? Not very nice! But please still consider it a disability for school's purposes because the child can get more help. Do they have smaller classes for kids with emotional issues? Could this be done for a short time?
Brownie, I am definitely NOT versed in how education systems work or don't work, but to me it seems to me there could be a lot of differences in the way children with problems are handled in the United States and in other countries. So what might be options here may not be available so easily in other locations. In fact, it's my understanding that there are differences in this country from state to state and even from one school district to another within a city.
Natalie, hon.....my heart goes out to you as you try to work through this issue as well as your health problems. From my experience with a troublesome grandson, I know it can take a toll on you. I think your approach to contact the school is best and see what can be worked out. I don't know if there are other options for his schooling or not. The teen years are especially rough.
Natalie, hon.....my heart goes out to you as you try to work through this issue as well as your health problems. From my experience with a troublesome grandson, I know it can take a toll on you. I think your approach to contact the school is best and see what can be worked out. I don't know if there are other options for his schooling or not. The teen years are especially rough.
Brownie51
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OMG Natalie! Did you notice they made your appointment for 12AM!!! ARen't you guys using the same system that we are? 12AM is midnight here! 12PM is LUNCH. 
Brownie51
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Jamie you are right! Here in the US the 504 Plan I'm talking about it a US thing. It goes with the child from state to state as part of the Disabilities Act. It is a legal document and the teachers are bound to it. But it has to be reasonable. A parent can't demand that their child be 1:1 with a teacher all day. But you can have preferential seating, verbal prompts. All of that. Sorry I got a little crazy 
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NatalieMeadows
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Yes total clerical error putting 12am as the appointment time!!I have sent an email pointing it out and saying I can't make Friday can we change to Another I need Scott with me.I have also asked why they've left it so long and not been in touch,Ciaran is adamant he hasn't done anything wrong,he hasn't a detention for 5 months so not sure how they are dealing with his consistent bad behaviour.
I'm afrai things are a lot different here you have to have an educational statement to get one on one help or extra classes or a permenant psychologist he only saw one a few times a well as the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Team who said that they felt he had low self esteem and they have us some techniques to work on and helped him and it did help a lot.His main problems at school are that he shouts out all the time and sings and talks to himself and he's constantly being told,he disturbs other children by engaging them in talking or doing something silly,he is very very aggressive and if someone upsets him he has been known to throw chairs,head butt walls or windows.He has no respect for teachers or adults and he will talk to them however he likes and that just isn't on.
In the past we've had a report card where he reports to every teacher at beginning and end of lessons and try rate his behaviour and school work from good to bad then he sees his mentor and she talks through the day and if its a bad one he gets between 15 and 60 mins detention depends on the day or sometimes he has an amazing day and she rewards him.
He is very angry but he's also very silly and likes to act up and wants everyone to watch him all the time.
It's hard because he's very aggressive at home too and he's bigger than me and my husband now so when he has a tantrum we put him in his room and he generally trashes it.
I will work with school as much as I possibly can because I will be devastated if he's asked to leave it 2 minutes from our home an a great school the other high school aren't good at all and a lot further away.
All this stress is making my health worse my knee is killing me and I'm limping around today :(
I'm afrai things are a lot different here you have to have an educational statement to get one on one help or extra classes or a permenant psychologist he only saw one a few times a well as the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Team who said that they felt he had low self esteem and they have us some techniques to work on and helped him and it did help a lot.His main problems at school are that he shouts out all the time and sings and talks to himself and he's constantly being told,he disturbs other children by engaging them in talking or doing something silly,he is very very aggressive and if someone upsets him he has been known to throw chairs,head butt walls or windows.He has no respect for teachers or adults and he will talk to them however he likes and that just isn't on.
In the past we've had a report card where he reports to every teacher at beginning and end of lessons and try rate his behaviour and school work from good to bad then he sees his mentor and she talks through the day and if its a bad one he gets between 15 and 60 mins detention depends on the day or sometimes he has an amazing day and she rewards him.
He is very angry but he's also very silly and likes to act up and wants everyone to watch him all the time.
It's hard because he's very aggressive at home too and he's bigger than me and my husband now so when he has a tantrum we put him in his room and he generally trashes it.
I will work with school as much as I possibly can because I will be devastated if he's asked to leave it 2 minutes from our home an a great school the other high school aren't good at all and a lot further away.
All this stress is making my health worse my knee is killing me and I'm limping around today :(
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NatalieMeadows
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Thank you Jo xx
RestAssured
alpha
glynis,
I had suggested not washing the children's clothes because they were too lazy to even gather them from their room and take them downstairs! Natalie, I am so glad that the children are putting their dirty clothes by the washer. How about after they are dried you can either fold or put them on hangars but leave them there! YOU need to worry about you! I am so glad that your daughter I starting to help. It is time to give your son responsibility but also attention. After teaching for 20 years I saw his pattern come out time and time again. It is the case of Grandma and Dad let me do what I want, while my Mom and my Stepdad try to set boundaries.
Can you set the meeting up so your ex-husband can be there also? Do you have a cordial relationship with him or do your kids hear both of you bad mouthing the other? Makes a Huge difference. Dad needs to "get on board" and both of you agree on common rules. I would always call both parents because it made the children feel better. I never waited 5 months though, then decided to send a letter out like this! I will tell you though; if parents came in ready to attack my ideas, I would tell them " we are trying to figure out what is in the best interest of the child." I am only offering ideas. None of these may fit your situation, but you need some relief from the pain! If it is one teacher that you will be meeting with, call and ask her if she can make a house visit. I did that several times for disabled people!
I had suggested not washing the children's clothes because they were too lazy to even gather them from their room and take them downstairs! Natalie, I am so glad that the children are putting their dirty clothes by the washer. How about after they are dried you can either fold or put them on hangars but leave them there! YOU need to worry about you! I am so glad that your daughter I starting to help. It is time to give your son responsibility but also attention. After teaching for 20 years I saw his pattern come out time and time again. It is the case of Grandma and Dad let me do what I want, while my Mom and my Stepdad try to set boundaries.
Can you set the meeting up so your ex-husband can be there also? Do you have a cordial relationship with him or do your kids hear both of you bad mouthing the other? Makes a Huge difference. Dad needs to "get on board" and both of you agree on common rules. I would always call both parents because it made the children feel better. I never waited 5 months though, then decided to send a letter out like this! I will tell you though; if parents came in ready to attack my ideas, I would tell them " we are trying to figure out what is in the best interest of the child." I am only offering ideas. None of these may fit your situation, but you need some relief from the pain! If it is one teacher that you will be meeting with, call and ask her if she can make a house visit. I did that several times for disabled people!
I absolutely agree with Rest Assured that Ciaran should contribute to household tasks such as the laundry, but the point I was making was about my particular bugbear: which is that teachers, and social workers especially, can write anything they like in their reports, even if it is just a vague anecdotal observation, and suddenly it becomes accepted as fact.
I know of too many cases like this. One started with a comment: "His teacher observed that James had been wearing the same jumper all week". So what if he had? Perhaps it was his favourite jumper. But anyone reading that teacher's remark immediately had the idea put into their head that the mother was lacking in her care.
Brownie's school's strategy of letting the child leave a class if he feels stressed sounds Excellent. I hope there are schools over here moving along those lines.
The "rewards scheme" which you mention was tried with Ciaran sounds the best way forward to me. I would weight it so that it is easier for him to get the rewards than the detentions. People like to succeed, not to fail. Cut him a bit of slack here.
And, as Rest Assured mentions, do be consistent. Children like to break rules (and that's quite natural), but they also like to be clear exactly what the boundaries are.
My personal view would be not to continue with confining Ciaran to his room. I'm sure there will be different schools of thought on this, but being confined anywhere is genuinely terrifying to me. I know I would react as he does. (Even at my great age...)
I wonder if he gets enough exercise? I had a window cleaner once who was very worried about his son's behaviour. Matters came to a head one Christmas when the boy trashed his sister's new bike. The father devised a strategy where he took the boy camping in the Peak District some weekends. The boy had his dad's undivided attention, and he could just run, and run, and run in the countryside. The sister had a fun time at home with mum.
I know your circumstances mean that you couldn't do anything as structured as this. Would Ciaran join Scouts, or go on an Outward Bound course, or anything like that?
Don't beat yourself up too much about this, Natalie. Being a parent is hard work, that's for sure!
How funny about the 12 am/pm business! My last appt letter from Wrightington was for "12.30 Noon". Work that one out!
Glynis
I know of too many cases like this. One started with a comment: "His teacher observed that James had been wearing the same jumper all week". So what if he had? Perhaps it was his favourite jumper. But anyone reading that teacher's remark immediately had the idea put into their head that the mother was lacking in her care.
Brownie's school's strategy of letting the child leave a class if he feels stressed sounds Excellent. I hope there are schools over here moving along those lines.
The "rewards scheme" which you mention was tried with Ciaran sounds the best way forward to me. I would weight it so that it is easier for him to get the rewards than the detentions. People like to succeed, not to fail. Cut him a bit of slack here.
And, as Rest Assured mentions, do be consistent. Children like to break rules (and that's quite natural), but they also like to be clear exactly what the boundaries are.
My personal view would be not to continue with confining Ciaran to his room. I'm sure there will be different schools of thought on this, but being confined anywhere is genuinely terrifying to me. I know I would react as he does. (Even at my great age...)
I wonder if he gets enough exercise? I had a window cleaner once who was very worried about his son's behaviour. Matters came to a head one Christmas when the boy trashed his sister's new bike. The father devised a strategy where he took the boy camping in the Peak District some weekends. The boy had his dad's undivided attention, and he could just run, and run, and run in the countryside. The sister had a fun time at home with mum.
I know your circumstances mean that you couldn't do anything as structured as this. Would Ciaran join Scouts, or go on an Outward Bound course, or anything like that?
Don't beat yourself up too much about this, Natalie. Being a parent is hard work, that's for sure!
How funny about the 12 am/pm business! My last appt letter from Wrightington was for "12.30 Noon". Work that one out!
Glynis
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