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Depression/post-op blues - open for all

@Lee0521, it was really hard for me to trust that I was ready to give up the walker and just walk with a cane. 5 weeks is not bad for still using a walker, so please be kind to yourself. Recovery is so gradual and takes gentle, baby steps. If you're like me, you want it to just hurry up! My PT coached me very well in listening to my body and regaining trust in those parts that had let me down for so long prior to THR. I hope your PT is gently helping you gain strength and teaching you how to "love up" all of your painful areas. Compensation for my left side "failure" gave me back aches and other pains, too. I am 7 months post-op as of July 1st, and still have some of that, but I did recover and I am here to tell you, it did not happen over night. Hang in there!
 
Thanks Jenny. I do not have a PT, I do my exercises at home. I go back to work on July 11, which will make it 7 weeks since the surgery. I am so frustrated with this slow process! I used a cane for almost a year before surgery and now I just want to walk like a normal person. I am developing severe pain in my right shoulder/arm because I am putting so much strain on my good side. Did that happen to you?
 
Ugh. Hooray! Frown. Giggles. Lately life has felt like the masks of the theatre, with one happy and one sad.

I've transitioned from the walker to a cane, which is great. But my operated leg still has weak, stiff, tender muscles. It wants to function like it did pre-surgery, with other muscles compensating for the hip. My "form" isn't correct. During my physical therapy session today I openly wept. Tears came from being in pain. From fear of being contorted (however gently) into positions I haven't been in a long time. And also tears from just being so, so very tired of it all.

Don't get me wrong- I am progressing and feel grateful and blessed. I do. But I'm also frustrated, and think it's important to be honest about all the feelings this hip replacement business involves. That's why I posted this outpouring here rather than in my own recovery thread.

I am out of paid time off with work, so I am trying to get some hours in by working from home. I appreciate the opportunity to generate some income working from home until I can physically return to the office, but the work laptop had network connectivity issues today and wouldn't work. I really don't feel like returning to the stress and drama and time suck of my job yet, but I have to. I feel like it has taken so long just to feel as good as I do and to get to this point in recovery, that I now wish I had time to enjoy things from this point. I wish my time off could restart from here.

Knowing it is time to re-join the real world, I've started cutting down again on my pain medicine. While I haven't been cleared to drive yet, I see the doctor this week, and I imagine he will be giving me some green lights here and there. Today's PT session may have been harder (more painful), because I am taking less pain medicine. And taking less pain medicine is definitely affecting my mood. I am more cranky. Can't take pain meds forever, but they are useful. And then at some point it's time to cut back so the medicine can be eliminated, and the body may not agree it is time to do so as the need to return to work indicates.

C-R-A-N-K-Y.

I know it is only temporary. Everything is only temporary. I see how far I have come, and I know things will get better, and one day, maybe one day not too far off, both the pre-surgery arthritis pain and the post-surgery soreness and pain will be gone. And I'll be standing tall and strong and feeling like, "Wow! This is what I was missing for most of my life- this is awesome!"

I'm not there yet though. I think I may be anemic too as someone mentioned. My blood pressure was low after surgery and I got two units of blood. Every since I have been cold more often than not, and my blood pressure remains on the lower side, with the top number frequently in the 90s.

I hope my sharing my frustration helps someone else feel like they aren't alone. I'd tell you to hang in there, and I'm taking my own advice. It will get better! I think it's good and healthy to admit that on some days the glass looks half full and on other days the glass looks ... Hey! Where did my glass go???

Laugh. Cry. Repeat as needed.
 
@Lee0521 Hello Lee, At seven weeks I was nearing the end of PT, which had been twice a week, and I cannot imagine how I could have done without it. You have a real disadvantage there, possibly, unless you have a trainer or some expertise yourself in body mechanics, and I feel for you! It sounds like you already know your right shoulder and arm pain may be coming from the months of leaning on your cane. Someone told me once that I should consider the amount of time I was compensating for my hip pain and give myself that same amount of time to get back to my previously pain-free state. For me, it was about 9-10 months of pain and about 4 months of dependence on crutches or the cane. If you have osteoarthritis like me, you probably are aware of how much it hurts to over-use our joints, even the ones we thought were "good" ones!! I am guessing you did this to your right shoulder when you were using the cane for all of that time. I felt the pain from compensation more in my back and right hip rather than my right arm. Ice has helped, and alternating that with my heating pad. On really bad days or nights, I resort to the pain meds, like naproxen sodium or ibuprofen. If simple things like those don't work for you, you should probably see your doctor again. Best wishes and let us know how it goes! :fingersx:
 
@Sommers16 Wow, I was moved by your post! It sounds incredible that you are already thinking of going back to work!! I could relate totally to the C-R-A-N-K-Y! Haha. I also had to allow myself to cry a couple of times in PT and although I was embarrassed, it felt good to let some of that pent-up frustration out.

My job is very physical, so I had to ease back into work starting at about 10 weeks post-op. Then some scheduling things happened and suddenly I did not have enough work to do. I was also interviewing for new positions and my feelings were dashed when one I was not selected for one "dream job" in particular. I have been able to relax a little on that front with the season changing and the natural feeling of vacation in the air.

On the home front, while I was beginning to look and act in more normal ways outwardly, I was still feeling a little unsteady, especially on the stairs and with carrying things up and downstairs. I was able to go back to having sex, but I was scared of the stress on my hips, scared of being touched on my scar, scared of crawling around -- you know, it just was not like the good old days. I got incredibly blue.

Time and the change of season, and a few short trips "home to mother" were therapeutic for me. I am eternally grateful for the continued support of my husband, too, who has never once blamed me for resorting to pain meds when things got too tough for me on any given day. I am feeling "in the pink" again, and although far from perfect, my mood is much better.

Having a THR is a big, MAJOR surgery! I have had to accept this and all that goes with it. That means sometimes I will not feel so stellar. Sometimes I will cry. Sometimes I will look at high-healed shoes and sigh, wishing I could do that again, and instead put on my Keens and go outside to clean up after the dog.

Really,you said it all when you suggested "Laugh, Cry, Repeat as needed!" THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
 
@JennyHipcakes: You are right Jenny, I am in pain due to one year of compensation and cane use. I saw the surgeon today, as it is 6 weeks since my surgery. My x-ray looked good and he wants me to wean myself off of the walker. I am afraid, and I told him so. I am not afraid of pain, just of falling. Before the operation, I didn't care if I fell because my hip was toast anyway. But now.....I am hoping the physiotherapy class that I am scheduled for next week will alleviate some of these fears and that they will teach me how to walk without a limp. Best of all, I can now sleep on my operated side and stomach!:sleeep: Like me, you are only in your early 50's and this should not be happening at this stage of our life. There is so much that I want to do and I feel like I have lost so much time. I look back on the time when I was pain free and used to walk 3 km a day and I cannot imagine ever getting being like that again.
 
@Sommers16: You have articulated everything that I am going through, and no doubt everyone on this blog.

I am trying to do equal amounts of laughing along with the crying. Working on-line is tough, I am going through it now. I wish I could just enjoy my recovery without the stress of working!
 
@JennyHipcakes and @Lee0521 - thank you both. So nice to feel like others truly "get it," because the majority of "non-hippies" people do not. How could they?

I feel compelled at times to try and get folks (like co-workers) to relate and understand, but it is tiring. And when I'm in pain physically and/or emotionally I get frustrated and don't even want to try. As much as I want to be understood, I think at times, "The heck with it. I don't owe you a lengthy, heart wrenching explanation about my struggle. You say your cousin had the same thing done and was back to business in record time? Well, good for him, and SO WHAT?"

Keep your heads up today. Be grateful for your progress and patient with the recovery work to complete. And be confident and comfortable living in your personal truth, knowing and owning your experience like no one else can.
 
@Sommers16: Exactly, SO WHAT? That is not your experience and everyone recovers differently. Try to tell someone what you are currently going through or what you have been through and you know what they say? "Well, my third cousin's best friend's great-uncle had a hang nail in 1996 and it was devastating for him and the entire family..... you can't imagine the pain he went through".

Let's face it people, this sucks. The pain, the hospital visits, the surgery, the medication, the recovery......and none of us deserves this. However, there are a lot worse things out there than THR and I do try to keep that into perspective.....like the guy that I met at the hospital who was there to discuss double leg amputation.

Some of us have no support from anyone and live alone. Friends, family may sympathize, but they don't help much and they don't understand. (my case) I would rather do it myself than ask for assistance.
 
Well I'm sat here and the tears are steaming down my face. I'm 49 and feel 89, any small speck of progress over the last few days feel like no progress at all. I tell my myself to get a grip, and that there are people far worse off than me. Problem is that isn't working at the moment. I find myself wondering if I could have managed with the arthritis pain and the limited movement and not had this done. I know deep down I couldn't, but all my emotions seem so raw tonight. It's the pressure I put on myself I know that. I wanted to be driving at 6 weeks but the possibility seems so far away. Now I've got short stabbing pains that feel like a nerve or something. Every little pain scares the hell out of me. I think I'm going to ring the clinic tomorrow just to talk to someone. So much for being so positive today...sorry for the outpouring :(


Right THR
10th June 2016

Sent from my iPhone
 
@Happy girl - sorry to hear your journey's roller coaster is currently in a dip. I can tell you to hang in there, that it gets better - and it does. But sometimes it's ok to just allow yourself to feel what you feel without judgment. I hope you know you can do that here.

You are barely a month out of surgery, correct? That is so early. I am two months tomorrow, and I feel better in several ways. I'm not giddy and turning cartwheels, no. But I am encouraged by others like @Cynthia777 who tell me 3 months is even better.

Take the time to feel what you feel- you are allowed. But just know you are going THROUGH a difficult time, not TO one.

After my surgery I too thought to myself and commented to my surgeon that I wondered with the post-surgical pain, limitations and depression if I'd done the right thing. He said, "I don't get that at all. Look at your x-ray from before!" I suspect that is true for you too, and like me, you know this had to be done.

I hope this helps.
 
Thanks @Summers 16.....it's so very difficult to be kind to yourself sometimes isn't it! I will be ok, but for tonight I'm just going to let it be. Things are always better in the morning anyway. Here's to better and brighter days :)


Right THR
10th June 2016

Sent from my iPhone
 
Oops wrong username!!! Thanks @sommers 16.....it's so very difficult to be kind to yourself sometimes isn't it! I will be ok, but for tonight I'm just going to let it be. Things are always better in the morning anyway. Here's to better and brighter days :)


Right THR
10th June 2016

Sent from my iPhone
 
@Happy girl - you are welcome. And I hope you don't feel like my response is a "there, there now" pat on the head. I validate your real feelings.

I think sometimes we can be so hard on ourselves- I know I can be. Sometimes when I am feeling less than stellar physically, emotionally, or physically AND emotionally, I *try* and stand back, away from my self criticism, and I ask myself how I would respond, how I would reply, if what I was experiencing was being told to me by someone else. Meaning, I'm not the one struggling with XYZ, but rather Jane or John is struggling with those issues and sharing them with me. Would I be kind to them? Would I try and be encouraging? Would I have more positive, patient feelings? Well, of course!

So why can't we do that for ourselves? Why are we so down on ourselves and impatient and unkind and self-loathing?

Since we often are our own worst critics, I hereby give you full "permission" to feel what you need to feel. Today is a snapshot; it isn't the bigger picture. I may not be able to see beyond my here and now for myself at times, but I visualize good and healthy things for you!
 
I feel like I am going crazy! 2 months out of LHR and I am still having pain. Am I being unreasonable? I go through periods of being okay, then depression hits and I cannot shake it. Should I still be taking medication? Tylenol doesn't cut it and I have stopped oxycodone because I do not want to get addicted. I am in a lousy mood 24/7. Is this normal?
 
@Lee0521 My own experience was that I was almost completely out of pain at two months, but still needed occasional pain meds like vicodin. I cut mine in half because I found that was enough most of the time, especially if I was able to take Tylenol with it and rest. My pain level really depended on my activity level, so I had to keep reminding myself to be careful. Even if I did not use extra pillows at night between my knees, a little thing like that could start my pain up again. It takes so much fiddling around with details, it gets exhausting! I'm sorry you are feeling so bad around the clock. Is there anything distracting you like to do that would help you get some relief? I found just tuning out with my HBO series helped sometimes- at least for an hour or so. What do you like? Since my surgery on December 1st, I've had lots of time to try out silly hobbies. I feel like a completely sad idiot sometimes, but anything to pass the time may help, so I keep trying. Also, I did finally cave in and try an anti-depressant for a brief period of time (about 5 weeks total), but I found out it was not for me. You're right about that oxycodone, I think, but for me it was vicodin. I had to weigh out the costs and benefits of taking it, and finally completely stopped at about the 3-month mark. By then I was only taking it once every week or two.
 
@JennyHipcakes Wow, pain free at two months, that is great! This morning my leg was really bad, I almost could not walk to work (15 minutes from my apartment). I think that I have been over-doing the walking, that might be part of my problem with pain.

My main hobby is walking, so I cannot sit still for too long. I am back on oxycodone but will take only one a day. I will use it until my 3 month mark then wean myself off. Perhaps I am feeling so lousy because of PMS. I am peri-menopausal so my periods are erratic.

My right arm is now so sore from constant use of my cane since July 2015. I would like to get off of the cane but am not ready yet. When were you able to walk without a mobility aid?
 
@Lee0521 - Hi!

I too am around the two month mark and still have pain/discomfort and still need a cane. I hear the three month mark is better. That may not be a big help, but knowing it isn't just you with this experience I do hope brings some comfort.
 
@Sommers16: Thank you for letting me know, I appreciate it.

Have you weaned off of medication yet? I am down to one extra strength Tylenol and 2.5 mg of oxycodone per day (down from 5mg). The doctor told me that I would not be able to take a bath prior to 3 months post-op, but I am able to get in/out of the bathtub now. I find a bath relaxes my muscles so much better than a shower.

Do you get out for walks daily and if so, how far can you walk?
 
So glad to see this thread, but not happy that so many of us have post-surgery blues. I have not had TKR yet, but most likely will be in the next 2 months, I hope. I did have ankle surgery on June 8, 2016, and I've been off of work since then. I was finally getting back on my feet after a horrible year last year in which my husband of 12 years committed suicide on my dad's birthday, not having a job after moving back to NY, and running out of money. I finally got a job in counseling and I was building up my savings and doing things out and about. I feel so stuck. I don't have the capacity at this point in time to do anything for more than an hour or two before I get fatigued. I can't go into stores because I can't stand up/use crutches for more than a few minutes at a time. I'm totally bored, even though I make it a point to leave the house every day just to get out. I'm fatigued and dealing with insomnia. This past weekend I hurt my ankle/calf and have been in a lot of pain from that! Definitely depressed with too much idle time on my hands, even though I have a ton of things I could be doing... The loss of interest part in depression for sure. It's so hard to be on this end of it. As a mental health counselor, I help people with depression all the time, but I guess this counselor can't heal herself.

Sorry for all the whining. Felt good to get it out!
 
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