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TKR Pain 2 years after TKR

@Mollymax I'm so sorry your husband is being so difficult and unkind. I am fortunate mine is so helpful and taking care of me so well. I contribute where I can right now, sometimes just by making sure to thank him and praise him for working so hard and doing things so well. You can practically see him puff up when I praise him. :) But we're a team and we both do what we can, when we can. Whichever one of us is more able to do something, just does it. Although we both have general tasks we handle regularly, it doesn't mean it's set in stone. I'm usually the one who cooks, cleans, pays the bills, runs the household, and that kind of thing. He goes to work, takes care of the yards, handles the trash, does home maintenance and upgrades, etc. But that doesn't mean I never take out the trash or mow a lawn, any more than it means he never does dishes or mops a floor. Is it possible your husband is moaning and complaining because he feels unappreciated for his efforts, or is he just that way normally? I know mine will get a bit testy when I tell him what to do and how to do it. He always tells me I can either tell him what to do or tell him how to do it, but not both. :heehee:

He generally takes a nap in the afternoon on weekends and I try really hard not to disturb him when he's snoozing. Instead I either hang out with my two newest best friends (Sir Lounge Dr. and Mr. Ice Machine), or do something that doesn't make a lot of noise. He helped me start a load of laundry earlier, and since I want to have him put the same set of sheets back on my bed as they're my favorites, I managed to move them to the dryer myself without waking him. I also hung the tops that were in there, which is a little more difficult, but I did it so he didn't have to. Win/win-he gets to nap longer and I get to feel like I took another step towards normalcy.

I see the swelling in your knee which tells me you need to spend a lot of time with your new best friends and not do so much! I'm not joking; I spend hours and hours each day icing and elevating, and spend approx 20 minutes at a time walking around, or doing a few things, every hour or couple of hours. I am adding to that time as able and am walking pretty well lately. I still have times when it hurts to walk, and then I hie me back to my machine and get that sucker on ice!
 
Hubby is the most annoying moody man I have ever come across. Today he is particularly annoying and has taken himself off to bed. It's the middle of the day for goodness sake. He is in a mood for various reasons. He did hoover this morning and washed the kitchen floor. He thinks that is all he needs to do for today. He really isn't getting this whole recovery thing and I think I will just need to give up trying to take things very easy and get on with things. After all some people live on their own and have to manage. Sometimes I feel I would be as well in my own. He wants me to drive next week and take him to collect his motor bike and isn't happy when I said I can't drive yet.
Last night I had the first real pain in my knee. I have it today as well. Seems strange nearly 4 weeks post op to feel a bit of pain. I didn't sleep well the first part of the night and about 2am I gave in and took Amytriptelene. Then I slept till 8.30am. I really didn't want to go down the route of taking them again but it's better than not sleeping.
I feel really fed up today. Very down. Very close to tears. Knee won't bend and I think I should be further on than I am. Whether this is because of hubby's attitude I don't know. Miserable is the only way to describe how I am feeling right now.
 
Can you do something to cheer yourself up a little bit? A favorite tea? A short walk? Small things can help sometimes. :friends:

I’m sorry your husband is showing signs of caregiver-fatigue. He didn’t expect this long recovery, I suspect. It happens that our spouses and loved ones get caught quite off-guard by the grind of it all. Mr. Shoes was wonderful throughout my recovery, but he confided once all was done that there were times he wondered when, or if, his servitude would end. It sounds like your husband is having a bad patch and he needs to find a way to get back to his own version of a happy place.

You can’t control how he feels, but you can remind yourself that your recovery has been good so far! Continue to practice patience (not just with your knee but with yourself) and lots of love (for all involved). You are not yet a full month out from surgery and your knee is still in that active angry tissue phase where it will swell at the least provocation — a bad sleeping position it disliked, a little extra activity (or any at all, sometimes!), or sitting for a spell with your feet down.

Feeling blue is part of this recovery and you are in the “sweet spot” for it to raise its unwelcome head. Be kind to yourself and remember “this too shall pass.” :flwrysmile:
 
Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from your current situation? I know it's hard to avoid dwelling on your woes but sometimes thinking of something else or doing something completely different can be refreshing.
Is there another Internet forum you could join, perhaps related to an interest of yours? Could you offer words of encouragement to others on this forum even? Bake a cake, set up a 'just giving' site for a local charity, do some research on where you're going for your holiday?
I'm not being flippant, I know what it's like being stuck in a mental groove. The best way out is by doing something for or with others.
 
My husband is getting "the stupids" which is what we call when we're tired and frustrated. We agreed before this surgery that we needed to avoid getting the stupids at the same time but hit a wall today. The poor man is literally walking in circles, can't find anything, blah, blah, blah. (Last night was very bad here). He's walking the dog now and I told him he HAD to get out of here for an hour or so this afternoon. I'm so lucky he can take care of a house better than I can but men just generally don't have the....what's the word....intuition? to know how to do certain things so it can be frustrating. For instance, the physical therapist was just here and said, about 5 times, I needed more ice on my leg because it's swelling, blah, blah, blah. When she left, he asked "do you think you'd like some ice on your leg?" :what:



 
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I am no expert on relationships, as I've been divorced since 1983 - :heehee: However, I do know a bunch about knee replacement recovery, since I had 'em both replaced 10 months ago. I live alone and had the wonderful help of my extended family, in shifts, during my recovery. That said, I think the hoovering and floor mopping can be put on hold for the next couple of weeks - imho. It's just two adults living there right? No kids? So lower your standards a tad, just temporarily, and you can muddle through. Don't worry about hubby so much, he is on caregiving overload, and that's probably right on schedule. Let him go to bed this afternoon, and you just do you for a few hours. It must be hard to feel responsible for his feelings when you yourself are feeling so down. And you are right in the middle of that depressions "sweet spot", as Susie so elegantly put it. Also, I clearly remember that about 4 weeks in it seemed that I started feeling aches and pains that I didn't feel in the very early weeks. Could it be that the muscles, nerves and tendons are healing up and are having some growing pains? I still get weird twinges from time to time. And most importantly, I highly recommend that you keep on posting all of your fears, doubts, and worries right here on bonesmart where we can support you and be your friend no matter what. Sending a hug.
 
@Mollymax I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Your knee is still quite swollen as you're not even a month out yet. It generally takes a few months for a lot of the swelling to go down, but you will still need about a full year for it to recover. That's why you'll still get better bend as the year goes on. Focus on what you can do that's different than a week ago, and not on what you can't yet do. It's better to look at the positives and try to forget the negatives. Remember, this recovery is a roller coaster with a lot of ups and downs. There are days when you will feel better and days when you will be totally frustrated at the restrictions, pain, etc. If you try to remember that, you'll know that those bad days are part of the recovery; they will get better and your knee will get better. It takes a lot of patience to get through this, and we need to give our knees the time they need to recover. It's going to be a long road, but you will get there and be glad not only that you did this, but that the recovery is behind you and you have your life back!

Does your husband work every day, or is he off work to take care of you? Maybe he needs a little time to himself each day. (and maybe he needs a time out sometimes...lol) Taking a nap mid day is a good thing-my husband does it every weekend and I use that time to do something I want to do. He works week days, and originally planned to take a month off to take care of me. As it turned out, I only needed him here the first week I was home, then he took a few days more to be able to spend time with our son when he was visiting, and now is back at work every day. It's good to have time to myself, to do things for myself as I am able and it's good for him to be back at work. Although he's more than willing to stay home if I need him, it's good for both of us to be heading back to a more normal schedule.

The other thing is, you can let your house be a little more cluttered, and dust and dirt can wait. If your husband is complaining about doing things (even though he would be better off being cheerful when taking care of you and the home you both share) then let some of them go. I guarantee the dirt police won't be at your doorstep if you do. When you are able to do things without hurting your knee, you'll do them. I'm helping with dinner every night as much as I am able, partly because I want to get back to my usual routines and partly because I don't want him do things I can do. I'm not doing dinner dishes yet, but I do try to clean up behind myself during the day so he doesn't have to come home to a mess in the kitchen to clean first thing.

He's at work today and I'm "making" dinner. I plan to actually cook him some yellow squash he brought in from the garden as it's a really easy dish, and I'll also pull out a couple of the plates I made before the surgery. If I end up not feeling up to the task of the squash, I'll just skip it. The rest of my day will be spent doing some small straightening or maybe some dusting, otherwise I'll be hanging out with my ice machine. I think you'll feel better if you also do a few small things, then ice and elevate a lot in between. Leave the big tasks for your husband, or at least for another time. My husband and I are a team, and we are each contributing what we can to keep our home running. Granted, there are things that need to be done that are being ignored for now. And when company comes by, I don't care if my house isn't it's usual pristine self. If they don't like it they can either be polite and understanding, or get up and help. :heehee:
 
Hi @Mollymax. Sounds like you’re feeling a bit low at the moment. I’ve found this journey to be full of lows with the occasional high, haha! I’m in the same boat as you with my partner. He’s not the most empathetic of men. He has taken over making the evening meal (but only because he likes to cook - and I do all the clearing up) but most other things I have to ask and ask before he grudgingly does them. He has learnt (after 18 years together!) to use the washer now!!
I think lack of sleep definitely makes everything worse. I know what you mean about not wanting to rely on tablets but it’s probably more important right now to get some sleep.
Hope you’re feeling a bit better now.
 
Mollymax said:
He really isn't getting this whole recovery thing and I think I will just need to give up trying to take things very easy and get on with things. After all some people live on their own and have to manage. Sometimes I feel I would be as well in my own. He wants me to drive next week and take him to collect his motor bike and isn't happy when I said I can't drive yet.
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Molly, you're doing too much and that's why your knee is staying swollen.
Don't just get on with doing things. Let the housework go and let hubby get his own meals. You take to your bed - you'll be doing your knee a favour.

Yes, people who live alone do manage by themselves, but they plan ahead for that, have pre-cooked meals in the freezer, and live with dust bunnies for a while. You will set your recovery back if you keep doing too much.
[Bonesmart.org] Pain 2 years after TKR
Dust bunnies are your friends. They show you've been resting properly.

Mollymax said:
I feel really fed up today. Very down. Very close to tears. Knee won't bend and I think I should be further on than I am. Whether this is because of hubby's attitude I don't know. Miserable is the only way to describe how I am feeling right now.
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Have a good cry - tears are healing - and remember that getting the blues is a normal part of this recovery. :console2: :friends:

As for the knee bending - that will happen gradually, as the swelling goes down. But the swelling won't go down if you keep overdoing things.

Your knee is on its own schedule for recovery. It knows what it's doing and it will do fine in the end. This recovery does take a full year, although you will be almost back to normal long before that.
Where are you in recovery?? (TKR)
 
Thanks all for your replies. I should have known my hubby would be like this. He is not demonstrative or shoes his feelings at all. Instead he just gets annoyed and thinks I should be doing more. He retired in March this year and I always knew retirement was going to be hard. We have been together a long time and I always said I don't know how we will get on 24/7 as we both worked all our lives. I still work 3 days a week and sometimes I think I won't retire as at least then we have time apart. These last few weeks have shown he certainly isn't a good nurse. I got fed up waiting for him to cook dinner tonight and had to resort to making it myself or I would still be waiting.
To top it all my stupid work called and asked the same silly questions - when do you think you will be back at work, what are the barriers stopping you coming back...blah blah blah. Then she says NHS guidelines say can resume normal activities within 6 weeks so do you see yourself returning to work then? Them she says we need to have a formal meeting about your attendance and that is due next week. At this point she got told not a chance of me returning in 2 weeks and I want meeting her next week. Then she says well we can meet before your surgeons appt so can you come in to the office. Told her no I wasn't coming in to the office. Ended up she said she will call me next week.
So all in all its not been a good day. Have tried to rest and ice the knee but it feels so tight and won't bend. I just feel fed up. Told hubby that but it seems to wash over him.
Have come to bed now so am hoping to get some sleep. Knee hurts a little but I am due some paracetamol so hoping that will help. I should think myself lucky really that I don't have the awful pain some people have.
 
My husband isn't demonstrative either and he is hopeless at nurturing. It just doesn't come naturally to most men.
However, I found that if I gave him specific instructions he would willingly do what I asked. I had to spell it out for him, though.

For example, "We need to eat lunch at 1 p.m. That means you'll have to start preparing it by 12.30."
" Dinner takes longer. Start getting it ready at 5.30, so it will be cooked by 6.30." It always took him longer to prepare food than it takes me, so I put in some extra preparation time.

Sometimes, it was quite funny.
Me: You'll need a couple of carrots.
Him: Is that two or three?
Me: It depends how big they are. 3 small ones or 2 larger ones.
Him: Don't you weigh them?
Me: No, I just judge it.
Him: Will these two do?
Me: Yes, they'l be fine.
Him: How big shall I cut them?
Me: About half an inch square.
Him: How big shall I cut the pieces of meat?
Me: About an inch square.
Him: Shall I cut the onion into rings or pieces?
Me: Whichever you prefer.
Him: Which do you prefer?

And so it went on. You can see why meal preparation took him longer than it would have taken me. Sometimes the meals were late. But at least I was able to rest, ice and elevate,although I couldn't sleep.

My point is that you need to specifically ask for help and don't do things yourself. I know you'd willingly do everything necessary for your husband. Now it's his turn to do the same for you. After all, he promised to be your husband in "sickness and in health".
 
I think you are not only doing too much, I think you're not icing and elevating enough and maybe not doing it in the best way. Plop your bottom down, stick some ice on that knee, then elevate it TOES ABOVE NOSE. I ice all night long and most of the day, and elevate during the day as I ice. At night I elevate until I need a break or am ready to sleep, then move the LD aside and go to sleep on my side. I also think you still need to still be taking stronger pain meds on a regular schedule, even if you aren't having "awful pain" as you seem to still be having significant pain. With my first TKR, I needed pain meds 24/7 for about six weeks and that seems to be the case with a lot of people. Tightness is also a form of pain and so is the swelling that you have. It's not a bad thing to take pain meds if you need them; on the contrary it's a bad thing not to take them if you need them. My knee doesn't bend well yet either, but I know it's a matter of time and patience until that too improves. That's the key in almost every area with this recovery....PATIENCE! :ice::ice::ice::elevate::elevate::elevate:

I'm sorry your husband is not being a support; maybe he needs to take a long fishing trip or something similar, and with the dogs as his companions. Let him take care of himself and you take care of you where you can. But if you need help, ask him to help and if he whines, either ignore him or tell him to stop fussing about it since it won't help matters. I'm one of those who doesn't like to be fussed at and won't allow it. I don't have a problem with calm discussions but bad attitudes are not welcome. If the house gets messy, so be it. And if he fusses about it, he can clean it or ignore it as he wishes. Men who retire need to find themselves again and find their new place in life. It's a transition for both spouses, and not an easy time as I have been told. I too am dreading my husband's impending retirement; not that he's a pain, but because I really like having my days alone to do what I need to do and want to do without someone under foot. We are planning to do some traveling so maybe it won't be too bad as we both adjust, and if it does drive me nuts at times I'll just send him on fishing trips. :snork:

I'm glad you stood up to your work, next time they call tell them "Don't call me, I'll call you". lol But I would tell them not to expect to see you until around three months post op, depending on how you're doing.
 
Mollymax said:
I got fed up waiting for him to cook dinner tonight and had to resort to making it myself or I would still be waiting.
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Well, I hope you didn't fix it for your husband, too. I bet you did. He doesn't deserve you. You have spoiled him. Tell him to start buying some nutritious take out, that your knee isn't up to your cooking. You said your knee is terribly swollen. Can't your husband see that? If not, show it to him. You are doing yourself more harm than good. Stay away from the grouch and let your knee come first!
 
lovetocookandsew said:
Men who retire need to find themselves again and find their new place in life. It's a transition for both spouses, and not an easy time as I have been told. I too am dreading my husband's impending retirement; not that he's a pain, but because I really like having my days alone to do what I need to do and want to do without someone under foot.
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You hit the nail on the head there, Kim!

My husband used to work about 80 hours a week and I was used to having the house to myself for most of the day.
When he retired, he was like a lost soul for a while, because work had been almost his whole life and it was a large part of his self-worth. As well as not knowing what to do, he missed the company.
As for me, I found it very hard to have him "under my feet" all day long.

We both adjusted, but it took quite a long time.
Now, we have our separate hobbies and we spend most of our days in separate rooms, just getting together in the evenings.
 
Had a frank discussion with hubby this morning. Told him he needs to be more supportive. Told him I can't stand for long to make meals and clean up but I will do my best for short periods but he needs to do more and realise this is going to take time. He then suggested he would made lunch while i took a short walk around the site. Well he only phoned when i was walking to ask how he used the panini maker....lol.
He does agree that my knee is very swollen and asked if the lymphodema could be adding to the swelling. It was something the lymphodema nurse had said would probably happen and I would get more swelling than most. Maybe then this is making it harder for me. This leg has been bigger than the other for 16 years now since my first bout of cellulitus. I never could bend it too well. I still seem to be stuck at about 72. I keep trying to bend it a little when walking and sitting at dining table.
My right knee is very sore too. Guessed that would happen. Not sure about getting it done any time soon as I don't think hubby could stand more of the same.
He does seem in a better mood today. I think he is run down. He has a sty in his eye and said when he was out for his run this morning that he was struggling.
Thank you all for letting me moan on here.
 
I'm so glad you and your husband had a good talk. He probably is run down some. Does he spend any time each day doing things he enjoys? My hubby gets up earlier than me usually, so he often uses that time to take a walk along the river or he'll go somewhere and use his metal detector. If he doesn't get to do that in the early am, he'll often go down to the river in the evenings for a nice walk, and sometimes he'll do one thing in the morning and the other in the evening. That's how he refreshes himself and has his alone times. He will also go outside and do things like clean out our shed or work in the garden to get outdoors as he's not an inside kind of guy. Being home all day to take care of me is hard for him at times I think, although he doesn't complain about it. I just know he likes to be outside and doing things, not staying inside with little to do. I mean, the man will be outside in the pouring rain in the middle of winter puttering around in the garden! Maybe your husband needs some regular activities he can do each day to get a break from being a caretaker. Mine goes to work each day so isn't a full time caretaker, but yours is home all day and probably needs some breaks. I remember when my children were sick, and how exhausted I got taking care of them. It made my already busy days even busier and more difficult and I really needed some alone time in those days.

I will say that his knowing what a panini maker is, and making paninis, is more than mine could do......lol. Mine knows where the frying pans for his eggs are and that's about it. (Although he has learned a couple of new tricks lately) I always tell him if I die first he's going to live on Mexican fast food and eggs every day, but now that he can make baked potatoes and corn on the cob, I'll have to add that to his repertoire. :rotfl:
 
Mine just does the shopping for me now (but I give him a detailed list). I don't need looking after any more. I'm not allowed to drive yet or I'd be doing the shopping!
The day after he retired he started up a new business so he's busier than ever. Phew! However, we make a point of having a nice day out on Sundays (pre knee op) and plan and enjoy lovely holidays. We'll get back to that ASAP.
 
I am hoping my husband decides to work part time after he retires. Where he works he can retire, then go back part time as a retired annuitant if they need him and if he wants to do it. I told him I'd like it if he did it six months out of the year and we traveled the other six months, so we shall see. @Mollymax Maybe your hubby needs a full time hobby or a part time job to cheer him up and keep him busy?
 
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