Hi everyone
Well I suppose it had to come but I am feeling really blue. The excitement of getting home and going to netball (they both won!!!) has worn off and reality has set in.
I am not going to lie.....everything is hard. It's hard to get into bed, to go to the toilet, to find clothes, to get food or a cup of tea. I've left the house twice in a week and the stairs are ok but getting in and out of the car is tiring and hard. Most my things are upstairs. It is lonelier at home than in the hospital as hubby is off to work early and the kids are at school. A least I had the nurses at the hospital.
I can see and feel the stress all this is causing my husband and I feel like such a burden. He has gotten behind on things and some of those things I need so I am frustrated too. The pain is tough too. If I put too much weight on the leg it tells me...I can't take 1 single step without support which is taking a bit to get used to because I could with the THR.
But I think the worst thing is the disappointment I have in some of my family and friends. All the offers and promises of help and support are really just fluffs in the wind. Words you tell someone to make yourself feel better. I do have some wonderful and family and friends but its the close ones that can hurt you the most.
My sister is a classic. She works casually as a nurse at the hospital I have been going to. It's a new profession for her and she has become 'the nurse' rather than my sister. She visited me once in hospital in 16 days. She did come in a few times while on her shift but could never stay. And she performs well when the other nurses are around telling them all about me etc. I feel its for them not me. when she comes in she never asks about me except for the first time. She downplays the whole situation or just talks about how hard Uni is or what she told my Dr about how I was, when she sees him around. I almost feel like she is jealous of me being sick. The hard thing is she always offers the world and when I ask for help, I'm made to feel like its such an intrusion that I end up asking someone else. Also, I've been unwell since December and not once has she dropped over for a chat or coffee....and on Christmas hols she dumped her kids at our place and went for naps!!!! Maybe me a week out from hospital would have liked a nap!!
Another friend, who was away for my surgery but back about a week ago, put the pressure on me today for her to visit as she needed a friend, she was a 'mess'. I pointed out that I had the Drs today and blood tests and that was enough for one day but the pressure was on because she needed to chat. Her husband left her 2 years ago and she hasn't moved on. I have been with her the whole way and I know she didn't want him to leave but he did and they are divorced now but haven't done the financial settlement. Today she is graduating from Uni and angry because he takes the kids out and doesn't invite her or she rings his secretary to get her to tell him why can't he be nice to her...his ex wife. She wants him to come tonight and be proud of her etc
It's really time she tried to move on, but what has hurt me so much today is that she downloaded all this on me. I don't have the energy for myself, she stayed 2 hours and so being the person I am I sit up and be as positive and supportive as I can and I'm sure I look fine to her. The minute she leaves I fall in a heap and have 15 mins to rest and eat before having to go out. Then she also tells me she will pop in more often to fill in her time because she's lonely....forget about my needs!!!! I'm p$&@/ed, tired and cried for an hour after the Drs.
I then get all these texts about netball and have to find 3 different rides for the kids tomorrow for school changes and commitments and I feel alone, frustrated, don't want to put it on my husband cause he's stressed enough and think I must be a hopeless friend to get all this and no support
I then think about you all and my mum (who has passed) and my aunt who lives in Melbourne and ball my eyes out
Sorry for the rant...but I do feel better....I know it will be over soon but I think this experience has really opened my eyes to my life and friends and I think I will be channeling my efforts elsewhere after all these surgeries. It has certainly opened my eyes to people in my life and how I will help others in the future.
I just need them to be there for me ATM.....I've had major surgery and will again in a few weeks and I need to heal and look after myself for a few months not continue to look after everyone else!!!!
United States
. It is at times like this that we really do know who our friends are and who we can count on.... thinking of you xx
