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Oh my @NellBell You've got a mess. It's certainly hard to make suggestions when we aren't in the circle but a few years ago my husband's Mom & Dad were both ambulatory and wanted to stay in their home. My husband has a brother & sister who both work as did my husband so it was difficult to care for his mid 80s parents. Dad had dementia and mom had congestive heart failure and a double hippie that didn't work well and had to be redone and still didn't work out for her. A mess for sure. They ended up hiring a sitter to come to the home all day. She cleaned, cooked and took care of them all day. One of the siblings would take turns going over after work each day to check on them while the sitter got them into bed. They would get tucked into bed and sitter would leave for the night, leaving them on their own. Mom was lucid and had a phone right next to the bed in case of emergency. Sitter would come early the next morning and get them both up. Clean up Dad as he had a tube for liquid meal that would make him pee into his depends and he would be a mess in the morning. Mom just needed help getting up and into a wheelchair and she was mobile with help. When Mom died, we moved Dad in with my husband's brother as he had a three bedroom home and is single. Dad stayed there for about a year with daytime sitter coming in every day until he finally went into a nursing home and finally hospice. They could not have done it without a sitter. They found an independent but well recommended lady and her daughter who swapped up and did not cost a huge amount. It might be worth you looking into what is available and at what cost. Even a few hours a day or every other day or three times a week gives the main caretaker a break. For what it's worth. --julie
 
@NellBell
Been reading your thread. Wow. You sure have a lot on your plate. I agree with all that saying no is important for you to do to protect your recovery as well. You have a caring and compassionate heart that wants to help your parents. I totally understand. My sister is a nurse and she lived in the same city as my parents. When they got sick, she was missing in action. I probably saw my parents more their last months than my sister. So I get. I didn't want my parents being abandoned. So I drove 5 hrs one way to be with them every other week. Don't regret it all.
But as Krista suggested, a family meeting is probably a good idea.
Just so sorry you have to go thru this.
Hopefully your brothers can contribute either with their time or financially to make it easier for you and your parents.
Everyone is here for each other. It's ok to cry, rant and express your feelings here. We all get it. You are never alone!!
 
And surgery #3 is complete. Mom's revision went well - she looked good at the hospital tonight. They found a torn ligament that they fixed, replaced the plastic liner, of the implant, realigned the ball and socket to prevent any more dislocations. She'll be in the hospital till Saturday then rehab for ten days.

So the Home Health Aide that will be with Dad from ten in the evening till ten in the morning came tonight. Dad promptly informed her that she can leave at 6:00 a.m. every morning and he'll take care of getting himself showered dressed and breakfasted!! Getting dressed in the morning is how he fell and fractured his hip in the first place!!!!! I told him that I was not coming over at 6:00 a.m. or even 8:00 a.m. And that she was staying till ten. And he is all miffed about it. Sometimes I think that I am the only one in my family playing with a full deck. So I just emailed my brothers that I am taking Sunday off and they should figure it out amongst themselves who will be with Dad.

@Krista In fairness to my brothers they are very willing to pay for any services (which is nice because I don't have a lot of funds) my parents need. The problem is my parent's unwillingness to accept anyone in the home with them. My father fracturing his hip at the same time my Mom's hip implant went kaplooey suddenly sent them from managing (with a little help from me) to needing full-time care in the course of a week.

I got home tonight after a very long day (getting Dad to and from visiting Mom in the hospital was exhausting) and dug my cane out. It has been two weeks but I need it again. Terrible pain in my groin that makes walking hard tonight. Mom (who got up and standing already) and Dad are both using walkers and I'm back to my cane. We make quite a sight in the hospital halls.

Thank you all for your virtual hugs, your care and concern and being my reality check that this is just as crazy as it sounds.
 
NellBell said:
Terrible pain in my groin that makes walking hard tonight.
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You need to look after yourself. I know how hard it is. Last year my dad was in hospital and my mum wasn't coping and I pushed and pushed myself and in the end I couldn't make it in to work and was told to spend a week on total bed rest which was awful because then I couldn't do anything at all.
If your dad won't accept home care easily, maybe you need to explain that he needs to do it for your sake. I would hate for anything to happen to you because you're doing too much now.
 
I agree with @Zelda that, if it is your parents who won't accept the daytime care, then perhaps some heart-to-heart talks with them about how this is going to negatively impact you and your recovery will change their minds. It's not as though you wouldn't be seeing them if a caregiver is there. You could still visit often, sit and talk with them, bring them a sweet treat or something, but not 12 hours a day, 7 days a week of hard work. You are their dear daughter, after all, and I am sure they don't want you to hurt yourself unnecessarily caring for them. The best to you, @NellBell, as you seek a solution that won't keep you from a timely recovery!
 
@NellBell
I so agree with @Zelda & @Krista
You've got to take care of yourself & if you explain it as your need, they may be more accepting. My 92-year old mom lives in her house but needs daily assistance so we have someone come in 2 times a day to help her with meals, showers, dressing, etc. My brother & his daughter & family who live within a mile are there daily visiting with her. Since I live 900 miles away, I'm there when I can be. The caretakers come all of the time there & we treat them like family, but we can go & spend time actually visiting with her & taking her places she likes. I think she realizes that the only other option would be a nursing home because none of us are in the shape to take on her care.
Since your brothers can pay & are willing to do that maybe you can talk to your parents about it being your temporary need so you can be healthy & that the only other option to help you heal would be for them to go for temporary residential care.
You are not being selfish by doing this. We can't help others if we can't take care of ourselves. My best to you!
SweetPea69
 
I am so tired.

It will be six weeks tomorrow. Saw my surgeon today and she is keeping me on hip precautions - as in 90 degrees maximum flexion and no crossing the midline with my operated leg - For. The. Rest. Of. My. Life. Damn. She says with the disorder that I have that causes hyperflexibility that my ligaments and tendons will never be strong enough to support additional flexion. She thought I understood this before the surgery because of my Mom's situation.... Of course my Dad dropped his cane at least four times out in public today and I had to pick it up for him.

One of my brothers thanked me for what I'm doing for Mom and Dad and then explained that the three of them are just "very busy." There is a distinct possibility that I may never acknowledge their existence after this (my brothers not my parents)
 
Oh do be careful, Nell! I was horrified about your lifetime restrictions but if that's really what is recommended you shouldn't be bending down to pick sticks off the floor!

It's one of those times I wish BoneSmarties could offer more than virtual help - although whether that would be to help you out or give your brothers a much needed kick up the :censored:, I don't know.
 
@NellBell Holy smokes? For life?!?! Sounds like a doctor who is afraid of a problem because of your mom. I have hyper flexible joints (no known disorder so it is likely different), and my doctor just said that I will always have a higher risk of dislocation. That's it. Be careful, but live your life. So different?!?

Indeed, you have seen dislocation closely. So I would understand over caution, but :censored:! Maybe @Josephine could shed some light on a lifetime restriction in this case?


As far as your brothers go, I would be frustrated too! However, your parents are insisting it be family help.... or no help at all. Ultimately, it is THAT requirement of your parents that is pushing you physically. This requirement is setting up conflict between you and your brothers.....so you might be able to manage for a short time.....but this isn't a long term solution. Parents would love to see their kids every day, so I understand why they would rather have family help.

So they might not be good at this care taking stuff, true! You aren't going to change that. But YOU need some time for rest. I had a good friend caution me about getting angry when my spouse solves a problem differently than I would......if I can't do the task myself. (I couldn't do laundry post-surgery....instead of doing it, he paid to take it to the laundry service. And it REALLY bugged me, for some reason.). So maybe they need to simply solve the care taking problem? Maybe clearly assigning each of them 1 weekend each month to take total responsibility? Fri-Sun. It isn't a weekly commitment, but you could get a physical break.

Sending you smiles from Houston!:swim:
 
I think telling a patient that is just trying to control them through fear. I bet out of every 100 patients told this kind of nonsense, I would be surprised if even one followed it for more than a year if that. And why? Because it's impossible, irrational and idiotic to expect a person to comply with such a direction for the rest of their lives! There will inevitably come a point where they will forget and just get on with their lives. It has to be. We are not machines. I really wouldn't worry about it. Besides which, her motives were more about ring fencing herself against litigation as should anything happen even 5 years hence, she could quite rightly say "But I told you"! Of to put it another way, she is displaying her own lack of confidence in her work which is not good enough in my opinion. If she doesn't have confidence then she shouldn't do such procedures!
 
Josephine said:
her motives were more about ring fencing herself against litigation as should anything happen even 5 years hence, she could quite rightly say "But I told you"! Of to put it another way, she is displaying her own lack of confidence in her work which is not good enough in my opinion. If she doesn't have confidence then she shouldn't do such procedures!
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I would agree with that. I think the same is true of surgeons imposing a life-long "no running/no jogging" rule.

@NellBell Hope the three of you (Mum, Dad, you) will get better, your situation will improve and you'll find it easier soon:). Sunny best wishes - Constanze
 
@NellBell, glad you found a moment to update us, although I am sorry that things are no better. I hear your exhaustion and frustration that is caused by your parents' insistence that their daytime care be by family or by no one, even though your brothers would be able to pay for care. I wholeheartedly agree with @Toddlermom's post.

Further, not everyone can do that kind of work for many different reasons, so I get that your brothers and their spouses may be unable/unwilling to do hands-on care. They would pay for someone else to do it, but your parents are not on board with that idea. So you are picking up the slack and jeopardizing your own health and recovery. This is a very bad situation, and I hope you will be able to find a solution soon, for your own sake!

Also sorry to hear about your doctor and her proclamation about the lifetime restrictions. As Josephine said, that is not tenable for the long term. You will inevitably slip into leading a life without the restrictions, and maybe this will help you remember to try to be more careful. In the meantime, when you are out with your Dad, you could bring a grabber to retrieve things that he drops. I wouldn't want to have to bend over 4 times for a cane, even without restrictions! Or, perhaps you could put a strap on the handle that would go around his wrist, like they have for trekking poles, then if he lost his grip, the cane wouldn't go down.

Good luck, my dear. Hope you can heal throughout all of this.
 
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@NellBell I've been watching your thread but I've been overwhelmed lately with daily life and haven't posted when I wanted to support and send hugs! I do know exactly what you have been through with your parents situation and the lack of the proper needed support from your brothers. It hurts when I read this and maybe that's why I couldn't get myself to respond. Although my situation with parents and brothers has a different story line, the disappointed with family is the same.

My story is long and complicated but I think after all I've been through with my operations and infection, everyone is finally realizing that I am not immortal and I'm not going to be able to navigate the outcome of years of poor planning by my parents. I am extremely fortunate and I must have an angel watching over me now as my elderly parents - Father 93, Mother 87 are in good health at the moment.

But I have a sister who is mentally unstable living with them and there is no plan set up for when the time comes to make some major decisions. She has not been diagnosed because she refuses any help, therefore, there is no assistance - no disability, no mental health, no doctors to aid and guide us/me when the time comes when my parents move on. They, themselves, have no real plan as well. The will is old and there are so many gaps in it. I spent years - over 30 years trying to get the proper help they all need.

Almost got there a few times only to have everything cancelled by my overbearing, controlling Father. My Father's mental faculties are declining so now it will become more difficult to find resolution. They believed I was going take care of everything and everybody. I eventually worked through the guilt that was placed on me, sat my parents down and told them this was not going to happen.

So, enough of that - just wanted you to know I understand and sending you big hugs! :friends::friends:You received a lot of sage advice from everyone here. What a godsend this site is!:flwrysmile:

I am on my way to my four week check up so I have to get going. But after reading the proclamation from your surgeon, I'm a little nervous. I'll let you know what he says and actually will ask his opinion of the likelihood of someone having lifetime restrictions as she deems necessary for you. I agree with Josephine that this is not sustainable and she may be trying to cover herself for future problems.

Gotta go! :)

Blessings,
 
@NellBell
I'm so sorry, but somehow I missed your thread altogether. What a shame that you've had to endure such problems around you while going through your recovery. You are a great daughter and I'm sure your parents appreciate you more than you know. I wish I lived close by you so I could lend a helping hand. Hopefully you were able to call a few local churches and find some much needed help. Hugs!
 
So last night I went to turn off the light and brushed my i-phone off the dresser and into the dark depths between my bed and my dresser. It is a tight fir, barely an inch between. That phone had to hit it at just the right angle to fall between. No space for my grabber - too narrow. Not enough free space to grab it from the front. It was clear that the only way to get my phone was to lie flat on the floor - hip precautions be damned. Wasn't sure if I could even make it up off the floor afterwards. And then I saw my long-handled shoehorn. It was a tight fit but I wedged it between the dresser and the bed and inched it forward pushing the phone. There was some trouble right around the corner but with a little extra force out it popped. Applied the grabbers and the phone was mine with hip precautions intact!

Thank you all, too many to list, for your thoughts, your advice and your empathy. After I read them early this morning I sent my brothers an email that said I didn't want their thanks and I didn't really care about their being "very busy" with very important matters but I did expect them to meet their responsibilities toward our parents. Two have not replied and one sent me an epistle about how we all make our choices in life which quite honestly I didn't understand or see its relevance. But a granddaughter who lives a distance away and is recovering from Stage IV cancer showed up unannounced today bringing my Mom lunch and watching the Mariners game with my Dad. It made both their days. Some of my nieces and nephews are coming through in uplifting my parents spirits which I appreciate.

Does anyone else on here have Elhers-Danlos syndrome (and @Josephine any knowledge you may have also)? If so what did/does your orthopedic surgeon regarding hip precautions and dislocation risk?
 
Silly brother and his epistle about choices in life. He makes me mad. There really is no relevance of this at all in this context. But thumbs up for the grand-daughter.

All the best for you and your parents.
Constanze
 
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