Become an Insider

THR Both easier and harder than I thought<

Status
Not open for further replies.
You're really having a hard time of it at the moment! All the best to your mum.

I still think you need more help and that your sons need a wake up call. I had suggested a good pinch with your grabber before and now I think if you can reach ice cream with it, you're certainly able to use it to apply some "persuasion"!
 
@NellBell, I am one of the people here who is dismayed at the lack of understanding of your family about your needs. I hope that now they are indeed "getting it" about how much support your parents require. So sorry to hear about your mom's 3rd dislocation, she must be just going through hell right now. You have been the rock holding this family together in the past, and they all look to you for guidance and to outright do what needs to be done. It's up to us to educate our family about our needs (and wants!). It won't be easy, as they will keep trying to get you to do it all. I try to be very cheerful, but firm, about what I can and cannot do. I have always been the person who organized everything and did all the work, but no more. My family has adjusted, and they know it will continue to be a long road, since I have to have another surgery and will be even more debilitated than before.

You say that it is getting easier for you, and yes, you are healing. But you still need help. I am so upset that your son didn't come and grocery shop for you on Saturday. I hope he made up for that and did do it eventually. If not, then he needs to do it now! You are his mother, and you have done so much for him. He, or someone else, should do all your grocery shopping for you until you are much further along in your recovery. You need, and deserve, help from your family, and I hope you get it!
 
Thanks, @Zelda! It's a never-ending task, this education business. Last week my daughter called and asked if I was making Easter dinner. I said "Nope! We're going out." Had a lovely time at the restaurant, and nary a dish to wash.
 
@Krista and @Zelda You are both right, my family and in particular my son should be more supportive and helpful to me. I confess the most painful part of this THR is becoming aware of how self-involved my son is (and knowing that I somehow failed in raising an empathetic person). My brothers. They are who they are; it is foolish for me to think that I can change them.

So today I learned that I can wash my hair at the kitchen sink using the spray attachment without bending over. I hurt too much today (arthritis flare not the hip) to move much but still have clean hair!

And I did get Born to Run off the floor. In my mind the best album of the 20th century. I rocked it all day.
 
@NellBell, I hope you won't beat yourself up over how you raised your son. I learned a long time ago that most of us are very good mothers, and we give loving and efficient care to our children. We tend to take credit for what turns out well in them and blame ourselves for what turns out badly, and we shouldn't do either! I have two children, both raised in the same all-out, loving way, and one is completely independent and mentally and physically healthy, living and working in the city of his dreams far away. We talk on the phone often and laugh and enjoy each other's company. The other lives very near me, with big-time physical and mental health problems, working full-time but unable to fully support herself, so we provide a considerable amount of support, both financial and emotional. Far from being able to help me, she requires lots of help herself. I have seen this over and over among friends and relatives. So, please, don't blame yourself. You can try to gently educate him about what he can do for you. He is used to you being the rock and needing nothing from him. Things change, and he needs to learn this, too. I would try sweetly asking him for things/services that would be really helpful to you, and just as sweetly say no to things he might ask of you. Maybe he will come around.
 
3 weeks today! I found myself walking from the kitchen to the living room with no device and no limp that I could notice!! Yay me. Pain is not much of an issue and walking is going good but the fatigue and exhaustion is still pretty overwhelming. Spent most of today in bed because I could and because I'm that tired. It was beautiful here in Seattle today - I want to go ride my bike!

@Krista - Thank you for your wise words about parenting. I will try to not make my son's behavior a statement on my parenting.
 
Wow, that is so terrific, about steps with no limp and no device! Yep, it's hard to believe that the fatigue will still be overwhelming for so long. I think it was finally around 10 weeks that I got my mojo back.
 
Went for a walk in a local park today. Just a short walk. Just me, no cane or walker. It was sunny and warm with a little breeze and I felt so human. So here is the kicker. Tonight my behind on the unoperated side is sore and achy. What? That makes no sense! My unoperated side? Go figure.
 
@NellBell
Amazing you are walking without a cane! It gives me hope that I might be able to do that soon. Glad you got to go to the park; I think nature is important to our recovery.
My best to you!
SweetPea69
 
Agree both. There is something therapeutic about being outside. It was lovely here yesterday, a real spring day and I walked further than I have done before. I am down to one stick now, but took the other one with me just to protect my personal space

Will take it easy today though ...
 
Oh my goodness, @NellBell, you certainly have been through more than a hip replacement, you have been through an emotional roller coaster.

Please do heed the advice on here. You are still healing. That ache in the inoperative side might just be a sign of doing too much too soon.

So sorry to hear that you don't have someone to help you out. I was lucky to have my sister stay with me for all four replacements. It will get easier trust me and glad to hear you are saying no to your brothers. Shame on them.

Hip precautions are a real pain, my first hip replacement I was on restrictions for three months. The second one I had no precautions but a lot more pain. You will get through this, my suggestion for when you get the next hip done is to go to a rehab facility for a while before going back home.

Please do take care of yourself. How much longer do you have restrictions? Glad to hear that you are enjoying nice weather, the calendar says spring, but it has been snowing here in Michigan all day.

Do you belong to the Seattle weaving guild?
 
@NellBell oh my! I somehow missed your discussion--I would have probably ordered Chinese take out....every night! You probably have another 2 weeks of logistics management because grocery shopping is so tiring. I managed some by myself at 6 weeks, but at 4 weeks I went with my husband and he pushed the cart and checked out (and I sat in the car resting while he finished up).

My husband and I have really determined that the Methodist church down the street has been the BEST resource manager. Example: This week, we needed a baby/mommy sitter to give me a hand with the kids one night when my husband was going to be out. We called the Director of Youth, and I had a 17 yr old helper who was so grateful to have some extra cash to help and was great with the kids. You might find a similar young helper to fetch some items and/or drive you to the store and push the cart? Seriously, this young lady was so grateful to help for 4 hours and to earn $10 per hour.....and she literally lives 3 streets over from us.

We weren't members of the church. There have been a few other challenges like this....and it really helped

Take care-
 
Those husband and sister type people that "everyone" is talking about as being great help - well clearly i had gone to the restroom when they were being passed out - silly me. @Toddlermom that is a great idea about the local church and hiring a teenager. Thank you. When I read what you wrote it seemed so obvious but it hadn't dawned on me (lets blame it on anesthesia fog from the general anesthetic). @fiberlady - you are right, I probably am doing too much. I tend to be one of those people that pushes through things w/o taking a rest. I did spend most of yesterday in bed trying to reset.

I am worried about this morning and walking. I am going to a funeral of a young baby. The service is at the home followed by a procession to the lake to spread the ashes. It is about a third off mile each way to the lake. I don't want to draw any attention to myself or not be able to make it back from the lake. But i feel bad leaving before the procession. (And this is so unimportant and not worth thinking about but I can't get any of my shoes on that are appropriate to wear.) This is so not about me. The family clearly knows the circumstance and called to personally ask me to come - they won't mind if I can't make it to the lake or wear sneakers. Hard letting go of the expectations I have of myself while I heal.
 
Being there at all is more important that anything else. I'm sure they will be glad of your support and someone will be glad to help you if needed.
 
@NellBell. It will be incredibly special to have you there....just do as much as you can. Boldly wear those sneakers!!! Because it is simply awesome for you to be well enough to surround them in love. That's what matters-

So sorry if my post seemed insensitive. Had I shared enough of my story .....it would have made a little more sense. I know how hard it is to feel like you need to take care of others folks, and you REALLY need others to pitch in.....and they fail spectacularly! I had 2 incredibly unhelpful family members who were supposed to help watch my kids. (A sister-in-law and an aunt)

Starting at 3 weeks post-op, I took over most of the care of my 2 & 4 year old from 8-12 hours at a time. (Earlier than expected). And I had a family member who was 'supposed to help'......and proceeded to get 'tanked' so I had to take care of my kids, her daughter, and her? It was during a 2 week period when hubby worked 12 hour days almost every day. (Post-op weeks 3&4 were really sad). Also, I need to get hip #2 done this summer....and I obviously need to make other arrangements ....even if they ask.

I could not imagine being completely alone for the first two weeks! Especially when your mother has so many needs...wow. You are amazing. The bonesmarties are sending you big cheers, hugs, and some indignant anger at others on your behalf.
 
@Toddlermom - I didn't think you were insensitive at all; quite the contrary. I am going to call my local church Thank you for sharing more about your story. It is somehow comforting to know that other people have families that in some way are unable to come through. I have been in awe of you going through this as a young mother with toddlers. I can't imagine at a little over three weeks in being responsible for young children. My job involves young children and I'm not going back till I'm past six weeks. But Moms don't have that luxury. I'm so sorry that happened with your family members and so impressed that you managed it.

Was talking to my Mom yesterday. She told me that she called up brother #3 and asked him to stop by on his way home from work Friday. When he got there she handed him her grocery list and sent him to the store. When he got back from shopping she told him to take out the garbage and clean the litterbox. Also, the kitchen needed to be swept and a lightbulb that was burned out changed. And he did all those things! I'm so proud of Mom. Slowly my brothers will be pulled into the 21st century and learn that men have to be present for their families as much as women.

Less than two weeks to Mom's surgery; Dad is six weeks post-surgery on Monday; I'm three weeks and a bit post-surgery. This whole bizarre late winter/early spring is starting to resolve itself.
 
@NellBell
So glad you are calling the church & that your mom is calling your brothers to task. If they don't realize, that's what has to be done.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Active Antimicrobial Hydrogel
Corganics CBD

Staff online

Members online

Total: 1,254 (members: 2, guests: 1,252)

Latest posts

Back
Top Bottom