THR Both easier and harder than I thought<
- Thread starter NellBell
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United States
Toddlermom
graduate
@NellBell How was the funeral? And the walk to the lake? It sounds like a beautiful way to share memories and reflect.
Hahahaha.....not so young mommy at 42! Only a young hippeie. I decided to have 2 babies with terrible hips at 38 & 40. Probably not too smart? Wouldn't change a thing....even getting two new joints. Last night, we had Mommy movie night so I could lay in bed with an ice pack. Hubby had to be at work at 9:30 AM and didn't get home until after 11PM -no helper .
BRAVO for your mom (on your brother)!!! I think that some men, my husband & brother included, do best when they know the goal. A task(s), a deadline, and a clear pathway to doing a 'great job'. I joke with a friend that it is embracing his 'hunting and gathering' roots.
Sounds like 2016 will be the YEAR OF THE HIP for your family too! It is unreal that you have 3 people in 3 months. I hope the doctors have given your mom the tools to manage the next two weeks. And maybe she can go into a rehab center for a week or so to look after her? My mom did that (because my dad isn't a great caretaker).
As far as the family members, they are loving people who simply don't understand. At first I was hurt and angry. Now I am trying to refocus....they aren't good at 'that kind of helping'. And asking them to be 'be better' is setting up conflict when they fail. I might give them different tasks? frozen casseroles? But we are hiring a part-time sitter for the first 4 weeks of hip #2. For everyone's sanity!
Hahahaha.....not so young mommy at 42! Only a young hippeie. I decided to have 2 babies with terrible hips at 38 & 40. Probably not too smart? Wouldn't change a thing....even getting two new joints. Last night, we had Mommy movie night so I could lay in bed with an ice pack. Hubby had to be at work at 9:30 AM and didn't get home until after 11PM -no helper .
BRAVO for your mom (on your brother)!!! I think that some men, my husband & brother included, do best when they know the goal. A task(s), a deadline, and a clear pathway to doing a 'great job'. I joke with a friend that it is embracing his 'hunting and gathering' roots.
Sounds like 2016 will be the YEAR OF THE HIP for your family too! It is unreal that you have 3 people in 3 months. I hope the doctors have given your mom the tools to manage the next two weeks. And maybe she can go into a rehab center for a week or so to look after her? My mom did that (because my dad isn't a great caretaker).
As far as the family members, they are loving people who simply don't understand. At first I was hurt and angry. Now I am trying to refocus....they aren't good at 'that kind of helping'. And asking them to be 'be better' is setting up conflict when they fail. I might give them different tasks? frozen casseroles? But we are hiring a part-time sitter for the first 4 weeks of hip #2. For everyone's sanity!
NellBell
junior member
@Toddlermom - I think two Toddlers in exchange for two hips sounds like a wonderful exchange! "Mommy Movie Night" sounds like a grand idea - your children probably think its a special treat to watch movies in bed and you got to rest - smart thinking. I just hope it wasn't Frozen for the 120th time. Right now I'm liking Minions for watching movies with little ones.
You are very right in your thoughts about family members. Asking them to be "better" or different then they are only leads to disappointment and potential conflict. They don't do hands-on type of care; they can't even see what needs to be done in the moment so asking them to step in won't work. I did like my Mom's approach to my brother; it was specific and detailed ('the trash under the sink goes in the blue bin on parking level two' detailed). Mom seems to think that she is coming home directly after her revision (a little elderly fogginess is creeping in and she doesn't always grasp everything) and she and Dad can just take care of each other. Her final visit pre-surgery with the surgeon is Wednesday. I'm having brother #1 take her; he may not ever get his hands dirty but he is very good at getting information out of people - as Mom can't even tell us what the revision is going to consist of I need him to do that (Just a new liner - easy peasy, new component parts - arrange the rehab center even if she is saying not to). So assigning him a task that he can do while trying not to be irritated about what he won't do. Thank you for you insights. They help.
You are very right in your thoughts about family members. Asking them to be "better" or different then they are only leads to disappointment and potential conflict. They don't do hands-on type of care; they can't even see what needs to be done in the moment so asking them to step in won't work. I did like my Mom's approach to my brother; it was specific and detailed ('the trash under the sink goes in the blue bin on parking level two' detailed). Mom seems to think that she is coming home directly after her revision (a little elderly fogginess is creeping in and she doesn't always grasp everything) and she and Dad can just take care of each other. Her final visit pre-surgery with the surgeon is Wednesday. I'm having brother #1 take her; he may not ever get his hands dirty but he is very good at getting information out of people - as Mom can't even tell us what the revision is going to consist of I need him to do that (Just a new liner - easy peasy, new component parts - arrange the rehab center even if she is saying not to). So assigning him a task that he can do while trying not to be irritated about what he won't do. Thank you for you insights. They help.
Toddlermom
graduate
Smart move with brother #1!!! And brilliant job with the fit bit.
Love the specifics of your Mom! I am thinking about giving problematic family members choices. 'I need help with 1, 2,or 3....which would work for you?'
Love the specifics of your Mom! I am thinking about giving problematic family members choices. 'I need help with 1, 2,or 3....which would work for you?'
NellBell
junior member
Little sad tonight. My Dad had his Hip Replacement three and a half weeks before me. At first I was behind him and then I caught up and moved passed him. Tonight I was telling him about going up to the Skagit Valley Tulip Fields with a friend for the day. Walking around the fields. He said he'd never been and now he never can. Since the day he fell and broke his hip he has been in the hospital, in a rehab center and now at home but not able to go out really. Hopefully I will get the all clear to drive on Thursday; if i can at least just get him out....
NellBell
junior member
@Toddlermom - I giggled a bit about your giving your family members choices. I teach parenting classes and that is just what I tell parents of toddlers to do. I swear dealing with family members can sometimes be like dealing with toddlers.
NellBell
junior member
Okay, are you all ready for the big announcement. This is big. I didn't think I could do it but I did. Today I used a regular height toilet, and, it didn't even have grab bars!!!!
I have been so afraid of using a regular toilet and getting stuck; having to have someone, say the fire department, help me up. So whenever I go out I've been doing a lot of 'holding' and not getting to far from home, but now I am a free woman! I'm sure you are all delighted.
My four week doctor's appt. was yesterday. My dad called me early in the evening and after a few moments chitchat asked if I'd been cleared to drive. When I said yes he asked me if I could take him out today. So my four week old hip and his seven week old hip went on an outing. He is giving up his walker so we stopped and bought him a cane. Mom gets her revision in five days. This is certainly an easier journey for me at age 60 then it is for my parents at age 84.
I have been so afraid of using a regular toilet and getting stuck; having to have someone, say the fire department, help me up. So whenever I go out I've been doing a lot of 'holding' and not getting to far from home, but now I am a free woman! I'm sure you are all delighted.
My four week doctor's appt. was yesterday. My dad called me early in the evening and after a few moments chitchat asked if I'd been cleared to drive. When I said yes he asked me if I could take him out today. So my four week old hip and his seven week old hip went on an outing. He is giving up his walker so we stopped and bought him a cane. Mom gets her revision in five days. This is certainly an easier journey for me at age 60 then it is for my parents at age 84.
NellBell
junior member
I don't know if it was an afternoon of wild spring abandon or if my kitties are equally tired of hip precautions but I came home tonight to everything strewn over the floor. My demin jacket hanging on the doorknob, on the floor. The extra long shoehorn, both lifters and my cane - on the floor. The open bag of cat food on the counter - the floor. And, the curtains in my den.
For me this is clearly the story of three hips - my Moms, my Dads and mine. Today was a hard day. My Mom's surgery is Wednesday the 13th. To avoid any further falls she has been limited to home since the last dislocation. I had a list of errands to accomplish for her today so that she can go in the hospital. All things that needed to be done, all that involved stores and walking and up (and back down). And Dad, whose only been out of the house once since he got home, was with me today - him and his walker and his 18 year old cat. I took Dad to a follow-up appt. with his O.S. and he sat in the car while I ran Mom's errands. But first we went to the vet. I helped him in and carried his cat in and stayed with the two of them while the cat was put to sleep. Dad nearly died the night he broke his hip. My brothers and Mom had all gone home but I stayed because he asked and because I couldn't leave my 84 year old father alone. It got very bad during the night. They were asking me about his DNR status and telling me to be prepared to make decisions and not one bloody brother was answering his phone. I had to send my son to get my Mom. He made it through the night and was stabilized enough to do his partial hip replacement (just the ball, not the socket). That was just over seven weeks ago. And in that seven weeks I've gotten my new hip and Mom has dislocated her hip three times. The final of the three hip surgeries is Wednesday, it's just past midnight, the final hip surgery is tomorrow. These two and soon three hip surgeries have drained the life out of me. I feel like a child if I complain, my surgery went well, pain hasn't been an issue, I get bicycling privileges back in two weeks but the emotional drain has been enormous.
Dad is still to fragile to be alone. They have hired a health care aide to be with him from ten at night till ten in the morning. I have the daytime/evening shift. It should be two weeks till Mom is home after her revision (the OS is sending her to a rehab facility after the hospital). I don't know what happens then.
For me this is clearly the story of three hips - my Moms, my Dads and mine. Today was a hard day. My Mom's surgery is Wednesday the 13th. To avoid any further falls she has been limited to home since the last dislocation. I had a list of errands to accomplish for her today so that she can go in the hospital. All things that needed to be done, all that involved stores and walking and up (and back down). And Dad, whose only been out of the house once since he got home, was with me today - him and his walker and his 18 year old cat. I took Dad to a follow-up appt. with his O.S. and he sat in the car while I ran Mom's errands. But first we went to the vet. I helped him in and carried his cat in and stayed with the two of them while the cat was put to sleep. Dad nearly died the night he broke his hip. My brothers and Mom had all gone home but I stayed because he asked and because I couldn't leave my 84 year old father alone. It got very bad during the night. They were asking me about his DNR status and telling me to be prepared to make decisions and not one bloody brother was answering his phone. I had to send my son to get my Mom. He made it through the night and was stabilized enough to do his partial hip replacement (just the ball, not the socket). That was just over seven weeks ago. And in that seven weeks I've gotten my new hip and Mom has dislocated her hip three times. The final of the three hip surgeries is Wednesday, it's just past midnight, the final hip surgery is tomorrow. These two and soon three hip surgeries have drained the life out of me. I feel like a child if I complain, my surgery went well, pain hasn't been an issue, I get bicycling privileges back in two weeks but the emotional drain has been enormous.
Dad is still to fragile to be alone. They have hired a health care aide to be with him from ten at night till ten in the morning. I have the daytime/evening shift. It should be two weeks till Mom is home after her revision (the OS is sending her to a rehab facility after the hospital). I don't know what happens then.
Krista
post-grad
@NellBell, do I understand correctly that you are now taking care of your dad the 12 hours of the day when he is awake, 7 days a week? That is a huge undertaking, even for someone who isn't 4 weeks out of THR. And it's possible your family will try to add your mom to the caregiving list after she comes home from rehab in about two weeks. How can you do any of this? A family meeting is in order to figure out ways for all 3 of you to safely recover! I am worried for you!
Simplieme
member
@NellBell i am amazed that you have managed to come this far. You seem a very strong person, but you know honey, sometimes you just have to stop and scream and shout, you're not a machine, you are person with feelings and needs. If you keep on doing what you are, they will keep on letting you, and your health, physical and mental, will suffer. Please, please, try using the "no" word.
NellBell
junior member
Thank you all for your kind words and support. It helps. And today one of my nephews thanked me for everything I'm doing for GPa and GMa which helped too (he has a 13 month old toddler and his wife is due this month with #2 so he is excused for not being available).
@Simpleme you are right, I should say 'No" and if fact have said 'No, I can't" repeatedly but it became apparent yesterday that if I didn't agree to be there for Dad, no one would be. My brothers are all 'important men' in their respective fields and it doesn't even cross their minds that they do any caretaking. And maybe, they can't bear to look at their/our parents and see frail elderly 84 year olds. But you are right, it is affecting my health.
@Nanuhip Yes, my brothers should be ashamed of themselves. Right now I'm a little ashamed of them! I am going to be a little passive-aggressive about it. I am well-known in local circles for the jam I make. Each brother has a favorite flavor. One wants his own batch made of strawberry-rhubarb, another raspberry-peach with vanilla bean and the third blackberry lime. There is no jam this year. At least not those flavors.
@Krista - I agree a family meeting is in order but they will never come to one I ask for and they don't think there is a problem. If I don't show up tomorrow to take care of Dad, drive him to visit Mom and make his dinner, then there is a problem. But I can't do that to Dad or to Mom. I suspect they will all show up for Mother's Day so I can force the issue then but that is May 08.
@Zelda - I had way more then a "wee cry"; I had a person into my poor understanding kitties fur. Right now my two kitties are way more understanding then my brothers. And nicer.
@Simpleme you are right, I should say 'No" and if fact have said 'No, I can't" repeatedly but it became apparent yesterday that if I didn't agree to be there for Dad, no one would be. My brothers are all 'important men' in their respective fields and it doesn't even cross their minds that they do any caretaking. And maybe, they can't bear to look at their/our parents and see frail elderly 84 year olds. But you are right, it is affecting my health.
@Nanuhip Yes, my brothers should be ashamed of themselves. Right now I'm a little ashamed of them! I am going to be a little passive-aggressive about it. I am well-known in local circles for the jam I make. Each brother has a favorite flavor. One wants his own batch made of strawberry-rhubarb, another raspberry-peach with vanilla bean and the third blackberry lime. There is no jam this year. At least not those flavors.
@Krista - I agree a family meeting is in order but they will never come to one I ask for and they don't think there is a problem. If I don't show up tomorrow to take care of Dad, drive him to visit Mom and make his dinner, then there is a problem. But I can't do that to Dad or to Mom. I suspect they will all show up for Mother's Day so I can force the issue then but that is May 08.
@Zelda - I had way more then a "wee cry"; I had a person into my poor understanding kitties fur. Right now my two kitties are way more understanding then my brothers. And nicer.
@NelBell you sound like a very caring daughter in the face of adversity, and know this....this awful time will pass for you, as everything does. Take heart in the fact lots of people love you and the lovely folk on here are sending positive thoughts your way.
As for the jam....I know what I'd be putting in there!
Lots of love. xx
As for the jam....I know what I'd be putting in there!
Lots of love. xx
dandy_candi
senior
I love this approach! Don't give them any benefits or gifts when they are being selfish and self centred.
Of course you wouldn't leave your parents on their own and I am sorry this has fallen to you at this time. hoping you are able to get some time to rest in there and get joy from helping your parents and seeing them being appreciative.
Sending healing vibes your way to you and your parents and daggers to your brothers xx
Candice, 29 yo. Rheumatoid Arthritis. Australia. Sequential unilateral THR June 1st 2016 and July 13th 2016
Krista
post-grad
@NellBell, if your brothers are important men in their fields, then they should be able to afford round-the-clock care for your mom and dad in their home during this crisis time. Expecting you to do this work when you are in recovery from your own major surgery is so wrong. Is it ignorance on their part, of the damage you could do to yourself and the almost certain delay in your recovery? You may not even be physically able, despite herculean efforts, to provide the care that your parents will need, and their recoveries could be compromised. It is just incomprehensible to me. I am so sorry for you!
Simplieme
member
@NellBell a somewhat similar situation to yours happened to my DIL. She was the only one caring for her mother. Her siblings wouldn't help, I think , due to past issues. Well, it happened - my DIL ended up in the ER 4 times in a week,with unrelated issues (pharmacy gave her the wrong prescription) finally three of them came up with money. @NellBell having seen this, I would hate for something to happen to you. I pray for you to get the strength and help that you need. I hope you can feel the warmth of your BS family's arms around you.
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