I just read an article published by NPR about something called "onco-anxiety". This is a syndrome experienced by cancer patients who have been treated, and who attempt to interpret every nuanced feeling or symptom in their body - with the ongoing anxiety that they are experiencing something that signals a return of their cancer. It made me think of my knee recovery and the many posts I have written and others I have read.
Since my surgery I have been plagued with worries about what my various symptoms and physical feelings have meant. It all started with the skin infection I developed upon returning home from skilled nursing care. I became terrified that my implants would fail, and I worried that each twinge, numbness, or you name the symptom, was a sign of the failure. And it didn't help that my incision continued to develop problems, even after the initial infection was healed. I developed half a dozen abscesses on each knee that were signs of an allergic reaction to the underlying suture material. My thoughts relating to that were, if I am allergic to the suture material, is that a sign that I will eventually exhibit allergies to the material in the implants, resulting in a failure of the surgery and the need for revision.
To date, my incision has healed completely, but not without several lumpish and dark looking scars where the abscesses had been. My mind has settled down somewhat, although I still can conjure up the kind of anxiety described by the cancer patient in the article I read.
I am of a mind now that the symptoms I experience today, like twinges, numbness, itchiness etc., are all part of the healing process. I can see that the intensity of those symptoms is greatly reduced at my 6 1/2 month post surgery place in recovery. I am working on taking the recovery one day a time, and staying in that place with each experience, so that I don't jump to a larger conclusion as to the meaning of the symptom.
I am tired of living in fear. I may have had unrealistic expectations of what this surgery would do for me. It is not going to restore my youth, my energy, my physical fitness. It is going to allow me to navigate my daily life without a walker and without having to endlessly plan each everyday activity around the pain of bone on bone arthritis. And what a blessing that is. And for me it has to be enough.
Last night I slept for almost 10 hours. I was up a few times, and my allergies are creating some issues. But my knees allowed me to get some incredible rest. I think I am exhausted, although this morning I feel pretty darn great.
I have no idea where my journey of recovery is taking me with my new knees. I am just glad that I have the recovery that is mine at this point. BoneSmart has provided me with so much food for thought. Everyone's experiences are so valuable and impactful. I appreciate so much everyone's honesty and kindness.
Happy Monday everyone!