Hi Doc, sorry it's been a while, and very sorry to hear about the worry and long wait to hear about your wife's health. I know exactly what you mean about this thing of yours that that is consuming your life suddenly falling of the map when you take it in perspective. But I have good news - and encouragement I hope - to share about recovery long term. Like you the pain has been outrageous, debilitating and way beyond anything I was expecting for this long. I am now at 6 MONTHS (TKR on 4/30/19) and I have just this week "turned the corner" on my pain. I haven't had a nighttime pain issue that kept me awake for at least 3 weeks, and I can "manage" going down stairs foot over foot. I haven't turned around and gone down backwards ("cheated") in over a week. On shallow steps I can actually navigate with minimal pain, and on ordinary steps I'm just a tad beyond uncomfortable. Deep steps are still mighty painful, but my point is that I am still making steady and measurable progress.
Like you, I think I had both unrealistic expectations (based on others' experience) and the mindset that "if I just do this right/do more of the right thing I can make it better". I have found out that if you push beyond the "sweet spot" - wherever that is for you at the pain threshold - you just make things worse and delay recovery. My at-home PT was a "more, more, more" driver, and it wasn't until I started outpatient with my current PT (4 months ago) that I even started to heal. So the last 4 months (initially 3x/week, now 2x/week) we have been working painstakingly at finding my threshold, identifying the trouble spots and targeting whatever we can to relieve my pain. And I'm writing to tell you that it is working! But keep in mind that my PT is willing to do passive motion up until a pain level 5 (or 6 if I'm up for it) and no more. And if I'm doing any strength or weight exercises he's careful to keep it below "true pain". So this progress has been built on "pushing" only WITHIN my tolerance - not pushing beyond it. And that I believe is what has allowed me to both heal and rehabilitate and make the progress I am finally seeing now so many months later.
So I agree with so many others who have said your pain may be a reaction to overstress - mine certainly was. And it may take some targeted rest to let your tissues forgive you and give you another chance to work them more gently this time. I discovered that weekends were killing me. Like you I have a desk job and during the week I pedaled under my desk and got up frequently but wasn't on my feet a ton. I still had constant aches and pains but on the weekend I was on my feet constantly. And (no surprise) Mondays and Tuesdays were my worst days. Now I make myself watch at least 2 1-hour shows each day (mid-day) on Saturday and Sunday WITH MY FEET UP, and along with my other behaviors, these seem to be helping. There is no substitute for legs up!
Please let us know how it goes with your wife, and try to be patient and less demanding of your new knee. Unlike you, my non-surgery knee is no better (worse actually) than my new knee, so I don't have the same "regret" feelings you do. For me, it's more "what do I have to do differently next time", because there's really no doubt that there will be a next time for me. My weight bearing on my new knee is outstanding, even if bending it (a lot) hurts. My hobbled gait is now due to my original crazy swollen knee. I should send you a pic and you'll see that we are a matched set!
Keeping your wife in my prayers,
Sybilla