Catching up with you and am sorry you've been having a time of it. Being in pain a long time can really wear on you emotionally, that is for sure. Then it is difficult to be clear, like you said. Do you have a friend or family member that could sit down with y.ou and help sort things out? Sometimes I find that helps me. A friend once told me when one gets overwhelmed one needs to "chunk it down". Take one decision at a time and try to work it that way, though I do know that sometimes one decision is based on another.
So sorry your surgery is not sooner, though you never know about cancellations, especially if you have availability. I, all of a sudden, got a call and mine was moved up a whole month. Since I had not been working, due to our move to VT, I could easily change.
Not having a car can be really hard too. You have got a lot ( and have had a lot) on your plate. I am sure it seems like it will never end. Not the same, but I, too, sometimes feel things will never end with this physical stuff. I mean it was a fall down the stairs 2 years ago that started all this for me. Tore my meniscus, hurt my back, fixed the knee, treated the back, then the hip, now recovery. I know there are days I feel I have lost my vital physical self forever. Then I look to others for inspiration. I met a lady in my pool therapy the other day that was in a car accident that put her in a wheelchair. Then she worked her way to a walker, then she worked her way to a cane and now walks with none. She had all kinds of injuries and it too her years to get to this point, but she said she was stubborn and never gave up. I DO want to validate your struggle and your pain, but also want to tell you DON'T GIVE UP!!!! Keep asking for support and hopefully you will again find your resolve?
I'm pulling for you and hope today is a better day. Maybe take a day off from thinking

all that thinking can wear a woman out. Treat yourself today as you would treat someone you love. Sometimes we don't do enough of that. Hang in there and as a friend of mine always says "MAKE it a good day" -Cathy