31 years old, bilateral TKR in August...how to do the bathroom?

[Jesse for the Fight]

Thanks Roy. I have been with him for 4 years. I just told him about the surgery being moved up and he replied " that's good, I'm off to work" I was glad to have the closer date but needed a little TLC - a kind ear or a coffee or tea .... He does not seem to want to support me through this and he said he felt trapped here. I understand how difficult getting a Phd can be, but boy is this ever bad timing. How am I to focus on recovering living with a man who is not physically or emotionly available? I don't even have time to move out ( we need to give 2 months advanced notice here in Canada) .... serenity now.... serenity now.....

 

[Roy Gardiner]

Oh dear.

Let me make an analogy with business. In any enterprise there will be (a) people who work to forward the objectives of the enterprise (b) those who are interested only in their own career, but will pretend to be working for the common good. So, good people and empire builders. The latter, if clever, can conceal their true colours, stab people in the back and rise to eminence without being detected. But sometimes, if the going gets tough, they show themselves for what they are because it's not possible to be subtle any more.

An empire builder is a menace in any business; the cleverer they are, the bigger the menace. The classic example in UK is Fred Goodwin who literally broke the bank because of his overwhelming arrogance.

You don't have to be Albert Einstein to bring this analogy to bear in personal relationships.

Jesse, what have just said may be terminally offensive to you. I am sorry if it is so; what is coming up is going to be hard for you, so I say these buttinski things in that light and offer my apologies for suggesting something that may be far more horrible than the reality.

 

[Jesse for the Fight]

On the contrary, I find the analogy pertinent and entertaining food for thought. I am hoping we learn to be good-people and learn how to support each other in the ways each of us indavidually needs ( not the way we think each needs) so that if enterprise is built, it can be together. He is currently trying. I am older ( he is just 28) and surgery is allot for a young relationship to deal with, let alone 2 surgeries in one year. Things will be discovered as you said. I was dismayed by his cold reaction ( talk about a double stress bomb) but am comforted at his progressive efforts to try and make things work. He can be rather good at compromise, for a man.

 

[Florida 1]

You know, he might just be terrified himself and trying to come across as strong or stoic. Just a thought..

 

[kneeper]

Congrats on only having to wait til August 1! I liked your comment about building up your iron--make him take you out for a steak!

 

[Jesse for the Fight]

He is not hiding his fear behind sotoicim. He told me plainly that people at his work don't think he should be the one who has to take care of me because the responsibility rests with my family. He agrees with this too. The truth is it is no ones job to take care of someone when they go through surgery...you just hope you have someone there to take care of you. My parents are not an option as they weren't when I had my hip done this past march. My partner took are of me then but as a child who has been told to eat a yucky vegetable- resentful submission. Having your main support person resentfully comply to looking after you ... well it causes me quite a bit of stress and heart ache. I also have this uncomfortable feeling of resentment building towards him as I've discovered the man I will live with does not share the same values as I do regarding looking after one another. He often talks of marriage.... so I, perhapse wrongly, assumed he felt a certain level of responsibility towards my well being. Simultaneously I wonder if I am being a bad partner to him, he was thrown into this position and I may be expecting too much. He feels that I am keeping him from achieving professional success and he may be, in part, right. I feel very needy right now- more than I have ever been. I know this is temporary. I just wish I had someone to be with me the first couple of weeks - just to be in the other room - as I go through the initial drug addled and sleep deprive state. I wish for someone to help make me food and bring me water for pills ... someone who is not miserable to be here....

 

[Titianlady]

Jessie, please forgive me if I overstep my boundaries with my opinion, but as someone who has been married a long time, this is not the right man for you. You need someone who will share life with you..it is give and take. He is totally focused on himself and his needs. When you truly love someone, you WANT to take care of and provide for them.

 

[bottomshollow]

You deserve someone who cares about you and what is happening to you and wants to help you anyway he can.

 

[SbNative59]

First, I have to agree with Titianlady!
Second, I have a one arm piece version of your walker. When I came home from having my leg & wrist repaired crutchs weren't a option at all. I used the walker maybe 3 times and gave up! I just could not get the hang of it with only one good hand and leg.

 

[Roy Gardiner]

My partner...

He often talks of marriage...

He told me plainly that people at his work don't think he should be the one who has to take care of me because the responsibility rests with my family. He agrees with this too.

If he considers himself your partner now, and talks of marriage, then how does he justify not being first in line to support you? Ahem, being first in line to enjoy the privilege of supporting you? Cough, hack, refusing to countenance the idea of anyone else but him being no.1 in the support team, making sure you get everything you need and aren't under any stress cos he handles it all?

He feels that I am keeping him from achieving professional success and he may be, in part, right.

That he can hold in his head the idea of being your partner, and at the same time blame you for something that is in any case outside your control, I find difficult to comprehend.

It is bullying. It is controlling. It is undermining. It is revolting.

I wish for someone to help make me food and bring me water for pills...someone who is not miserable to be here

The lesson is clear. This is someone who, under pressure (and not so much pressure either!), has shown his true colours.

 

[kneeper]

The more I hear the more I agree with Roy.

 

[Kavan]

Jessie is inpatient rehab any kind of possibility? I just cannot imagine you going home from the hospital with the weak support it sounds like your BF is offering. Forget about the emotional needs, is this guy going to be willing to do basic things to help you without making you feel like ****? Bilateral is serious. You cannot feel afraid to ask for ice, pain medicine, help getting up etc. At least for the first week you will need help and it doesn't sound like you will get it without a lot of whining and complaining.

And I agree with the others a guy who is talking marriage and at the same time trying to offload caring for you, has odd notions of marriage.

 

[Florida 1]

My husband is always more than supportive, but it's times like this that I just want my mommy! Right now she's vacationing in Alaska - want me to see if she can swing by and "mommy" you for a while?

 

[referee54]

When yo get home, you will need some type of support---maybe not so much physically---many folks here have been able to get by on their own---but emotionally and psychologically---without my wife to just be there and help me at times, I do not know what I would have done.

Marriage---is caring for somebody---it is a compact made by two that states that they will care for each other and take care of each others needs. It is selfless.

 

[Roy Gardiner]

Hmm. A great man (IMO) defined love as 'that state of mind where the happiness of someone else is essential to your own'.

A fine definition and not 'selfless' at all; you do the supportive things because you want to.

Perhaps I'm being annoyingly picky here (surely not...) but I think it's useful and goes to highlight that, from what we've seen here anyway, Jesse's partner's actions aren't loving.

 

[ditzy dinah]

He is not hiding his fear behind sotoicim. He told me plainly that people at his work don't think he should be the one who has to take care of me because the responsibility rests with my family. He agrees with this too. The truth is it is no ones job to take care of someone when they go through surgery...you just hope you have someone there to take care of you. My parents are not an option as they weren't when I had my hip done this past march. My partner took are of me then but as a child who has been told to eat a yucky vegetable- resentful submission. Having your main support person resentfully comply to looking after you ... well it causes me quite a bit of stress and heart ache. I also have this uncomfortable feeling of resentment building towards him as I've discovered the man I will live with does not share the same values as I do regarding looking after one another. He often talks of marriage.... so I, perhapse wrongly, assumed he felt a certain level of responsibility towards my well being. Simultaneously I wonder if I am being a bad partner to him, he was thrown into this position and I may be expecting too much. He feels that I am keeping him from achieving professional success and he may be, in part, right. I feel very needy right now- more than I have ever been. I know this is temporary. I just wish I had someone to be with me the first couple of weeks - just to be in the other room - as I go through the initial drug addled and sleep deprive state. I wish for someone to help make me food and bring me water for pills ... someone who is not miserable to be here....

Oh Jesse, I do feel so sad for you, to discover that the man who is to be your life partner does not share your values, at such a time, must be such a heart ache for you. To find that such a man is putting professional success before lifes most important relationship is tragic. That he is expressing these views at work and receiving co oberation, from like minded people is also disloyal and completely selfish. You are not being a bad partner, we are not responsible for the illnesses and disabilities that life throws at us. Yes he was thrown into this position but then so were you, and it is you who is suffering the physical consequences not he! Unfortunately he is a "fairweather friend" , and it must be very hard to face this at a time when you need the loving support that he seems unable to give you. Do you have friends around you who can give you some support? How about 75 year old grandma who lives nearby? Is she fit enough to help out? I do hope so. I wish you the very best.

 

[Jesse for the Fight]

Thanks for all the support! Your sage wisdom has bolstered me a great deal. I just received a call that my surgery had been bumped up to July 29th. Here come the excited/scared waves again. My partner left during an argument 5 nights ago, no calls or communication since. So, its a pretty clear sign things are over. However, we are stuck living together for now and I hope he contacts me soon so we can work out a plan and boundaries around our separation. My mind is set now but I know I will experience feelings of grief and loss when I see him again as it is impossible to cut the heartstrings that grow between two people over four years in such a short time. Trying to stay positive and pragmatic to help my body through the upcoming surgery.

Apparently I robbed my grandmother of two years. She is only 73 and she has always been my biggest supporter. I am so thankful for grandmothers!!! I am not sure of my post surgery plan but believe things will work themselves out as I go.

I was told I was anemic by the blood conservation team recently and was told the same before my hip surgery ... but as the 300 mg ferrous gluconate tablets make me nauseous I've always had to find other ways to get my iron. I got lots of steaks as advised by fellow Bonesmarties. liver is much higher and iron so I found an organic butcher that had cow livers. He in turn pointed me in the direction of an organic goose farm just outside of my city. Goose livers have the highest iron content of any meat I've researched so far - 100g had 179% daily recommended iron intake! So I drove out there with my grandma and have now made my first goose liver pate sans dairy of course as dairy interferes with iron absorption. I get my levels checked on the 17th of July 2013... so here's hoping.

I am still on prednisone and will not be able to come off before my surgery. I was off three months before my hip surgery so am a little nervous having to be on a drug which increases infection rate while doing bilateral knees. I feel that I must stay positive... any advice for keeping one's mind out of the terror zone?

My mantra: keep breathing-keep breathing- keep breathing

cheers
Jesse

 

[Roy Gardiner]

My partner left during an argument 5 nights ago, no calls or communication since. So, its a pretty clear sign things are over.

Looks like it. I'm sorry for you -- but you've seen his true colours earlier than you otherwise might, by the sound of it. That's, ultimately, good.

A stress you don't need right now. Good luck with it, anyway, and we're all here for you.

any advice for keeping one's mind out of the terror zone?

Well if it helps you I am 6' tall and strong and quivered like a baby for months before and am the undisputed BoneSmart Biggest Girls Blouse of All Time. So at least you have company.

 

[Diesellily]

Hi Jesse, I've just read your entire thread and I think you're an amazing lady! Good luck for the BTKR x

 

[ditzy dinah]

Oh Jesse, you are really going through it! and to have so much emotional trauma in the run up to scary surgery, you could just do without it! However in some ways it may be a relief. You will not now be on edge post surgery worrying that you are a burden to your partner, or if you are expecting too much...he has already let you down, so now maybe you will be able to relax and let grandma take the strain. Grandma is maybe 73 years young! and speaking as a new grandma myself, I think I would be glad to be the main supporter of a grandchild and to really be of use. You may well find that grandma moves up a gear! She won't be worrying about overstepping the mark (or her welcome) , by stepping on the toes of your partner, he will be out of the way (relationship wise anyway) and you say already that she is your greatest supporter, so I bet she will enjoy her new role as main carer. At 73 she will be retired right?

Of course you will feel grief and loss...how could you not? but ultimately losing you is his loss..you deserve better!

Funnily enough I have just last week been offered 29th July too! I saw my surgeon last Wednesday, and he has put me down for Bilateral surgery too, but PKR instead of TKR, as it is only the medial aspects of my knees that are affected, well at least for now. I deferred , and did not take up the offer of the 29th as we are on vacation then, and I didn't want to spoil it for my husband, or me! How could I enjoy a vacation coming straight back to that!? So I was told that they will be scheduling August about now and I will be top of the list, so I am expecting a letter any day now for an early date! Then like you the collywobbles and nerves will start, when the countdown begins!