TKR Winner winner, chicken dinner! Bionic Liz's new RTKA

[jaschembra]

Great news from your OS visit! You're doing spectacular!!

 

[L.I.T]

Hi, my name is bipolar L.I.T, and I can't decide if I'm thankful or depressed and angry.

I seem to be up at 3:07am again. I am thankful it's not 1am....but am angry it's not at least 5 or 6am. And so I set the tone for my thankful yet depressed and angry manifesto.

Thankful.... I received 'great' reports from surgeon and PT - I've met all the 'benchmarks' that are needed, and have more flexion than they predicted. I can "do" far more without my knee 'blowing up' like it used to - I even went to a movie, baked a lemon pie Saturday, cooked a full breakfast and cleaned up yesterday morning, and did housework this weekend! My knee didn't swell any more than it's 'standard' amount!

Things are much better than a month ago, and clearly I am able to do some more 'normal' things which I haven't been able to do since pre-TKR. I am so very thankful for that.

So the question is.... 'why am I so unhappy'? First and foremost, the nighttime pain - she ees getting to me! Even when my hubby manages to sleep, my nighttime pain wakes me up. Even when I take a pain pill to prevent it, it wakes me up.  Even when I take copious amounts of Tylenol, it wakes me up! I'm *mostly* back to work full time, so I can't just grab sleep 'whenever' like I used to, so I seem to be accumulating a great lack of the horizontal recovery they call 'sleep'. OK, 'nuff said. On to the next gripe.

Hubby has been in a REALLY foul, butthead kind of a mood since last Thursday. There have been no paucity of condescending, patronizing comments from him over innocent subjects. And any attempt at 'peacemaking' or 'reconciliation' are met with the old "I'm not upset" routine. Really? REALLY? I know it's due to the side effects of the steroids for his back - he, too, has had too little sleep, too many chemical alterations ('roid rage'), and is in some degree of pain b/c of his back - pain pills not an option for him (unless short term post-op) b/c of previous addiction (after shoulder surgery) that ended in 90 day rehab and his almost losing his medical license. He has been a recovering alcoholic since the 1980's, so it wasn't just a *fluke* either. I sympathize with him - I know he's in pain. I even feel GUILTY for being angry. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm tired of the sarcastic and demeaning attitude. (I just realized I could be talking about a teenager! ) The good part is that he's off them as of yesterday, but is now going through withdrawal, and mostly bedridden feeling ill.

Finally, I am having 'knee envy'. People who seem to be turning a corner (for whom I am really happy, but also jealous). And yet guilt for feeling envious b/c I *am* still making some progress, although it seems to feel like a snail's pace due to the pain and lack of sleep. That's my Catholic guilt.

And then there are the friends who have had TKR (recent or past) saying "you should be feeling better already - what do you mean you are still swelling?".... or "I'm 7 weeks out, and hit a major turning point at 6weeks. I'm back at water aerobics, why aren't you? You need to come to us for your support group.".... or "it doesn't seem right you should still be in pain." For all that, I am thankful for this forum - otherwise I would just concede to these feelings of knee inadequacy that other people, for some reason, seem to think it's helpful to point out how far behind I seemingly am.

Finally, my house got so behind during my knee debacle (and my hubby got so busy purchasing 'stuff') that I seem to not be able to catch up - there are box parts, packing materials, users manuals everywhere. We already didn' t have any room in the house, and now we have all kinds of 'stuff' all over the couch, chairs, guest beds, kitchen island and counters - there is no room anywhere, and it's becoming impossible to keep up much less make improvement. Yet another 'failure' on my part.

Wow, I sure am having one of an anger filled pity party this morning. Sorry for the 'downer' moment. I know the solution is time - I know things will swing the other way - I know not to compare myself to others or to let someone tell me how I should be doing. I know all these things, and still have some faith they will come true.

And I also *know* how good I have it, but my constant lack of sleep and home state are just catching up to me. My dream right now would be to just go away and take care of only myself for 2 weeks. Of course, then I might come home to a house that had bushcraft, survivalist, and homesteading purchases coming out the windows!

 

[Spex10]

@L.I.T. I'm so sorry you feel so bad. So many reasons for it and all feeling so much worse in the dark of a sleepless night. I can't help wondering if you managed to have a sleep of a decent length you might not experience the pain as you'd be literally unconscious. Were you always a poor sleeper or is this only since the TKR?
Can't make any suggestions re your husband other than to keep out of his way if possible but that's easier said than done I know.
It is depressing living in a messy house. I don't know what things are like over there but I just spend the money reckoning its worth it to me and I don't smoke or drink - I have a wonderful 2 woman tag team who come every week for an hour and clean our house like a whirlwind! If sufficient ironing builds up then I put in a call to to the ironing service who come and take it away and return it next day. The hourly rate of these people is very reasonable and it frees me to earn money with what I'm good at. This all works. I don't have to worry about it and wonder of wonders I sleep at night. Any chance of you employing some help?
You will feel much happier soon. Could you and your husband have a holiday together or even just plan one as a change of conversation topic?
Sorry if this isn't helpful.

 

[RMasano]

@L.I.T So sorry you are having problems at night!!! Nights are difficult because it feels like the whole world is fast asleep but you.

I agree with @Spex10. Maybe have someone come in and do a cleaning every so often. I do have cleaning people come in every 3 weeks.

I will tell you that steroids is a drug that turns some people into monsters. My son was on them after surgery and the hour he took the first one his whole personality changed. It was kind of scary, because he has no temper at all!!! Ten days later when he was done with them his old self returned.

Hang in there as I tell myself sometimes, "It can't rain forever, eventually the sun has to come out!!!"

 

[KarriB]

Balance is the key to those sleepless nights. Although you want to get on with life it seems that you may have joined the ODIC with cooking, cleaning, baking and a movie at just 2 months post op. Quite often knees are painful during the night because of too much activity during the day, so try to balance your activity with some elevation even though you may feel fine through the day. I didn't sleep through the night until 3 months when I went back to teaching, but my sleepless nights were just that, it's wasn't pain that woke me or kept me up.

Can't help with the roid rage, I can only say I hope it gets better!

 

[Grammy211]

Hi @L.I.T! I'm so sorry you're going through this and will be praying for you! Believe me, I totally know & understand exactly what you're going through!

I agree with @Spex10 about the cleaning service! A couple weeks ago I splurged and hired a lady to thoroughly clean my kitchen. You wouldn't believe the relief I felt when I saw it finished! Yes, she stashed things here and there where I normally would not but I didn't care. When my kitchen is clean, I feel wonderful! I also pay my daughter to clean my bathtubs and all my floors. She doesn't want to be paid but she gets it all done in an hour or less and it's so worth it to me! I wish I could afford to pay someone weekly to come in and clean but for now this has been a tremendous help to me!

My husband had kidney surgery this past summer to remove a cancerous tumor and since then every little ailment scares him that the cancer has returned or developed in a new spot. It drives me crazy bc I am the total opposite. But I try to encourage him and understand what he's going through. We have never really taken time away for a vacation except to visit family but this year I took it on my own to step out in faith and plan a week away for just us! I thought hubby would throw a fit but after I shared it with him, he was excited and extended it to 10 days! I knew we badly needed a break this summer!

As far as sleeping, I went through the same issue as you are with my first TKR 3 years ago. For some reason this TKR has been different and Ive slept fairly well. My knee does tend to wake me up shortly before it's time for my next pain med though. Often I have a hard time going back to sleep. When that happens I grab my phone and read through the latest posts on this site. It helps me feel relaxed and encouraged so I can sleep again.

I hope you and your husband have a much better week! This is the best place to vent and share all your frustrations!


Sent from my iPhone using BoneSmart Forum

 

[Mireille]

@L.I.T aww Liz, I'm sorry you're feeling like that. I understand and it's ok to have a pity party. It must be tough dealing with a hubby who's also in pain. I know I'm driving my husband crazy so I can imagine you're both driving reach other insane. I don't know the remedy for this but hang in there. You'll get through this.

You are not alone in knee jealousy, I feel the same way even of people who I see walking around, running,etc. Heck, I was watching figure skating and kept thinking, I wish my knee moved like that. It's normal. It's easier to be hard on ourselves for what we feel are shortcomings. Are we doing something wrong? Is this my fault? Am I being a baby? All these thoughts that go through our heads are enough to drive anyone insane.

Maybe it would help to talk to GP, maybe they can give you something to help you sleep. Someone told me that chamomile tea is good to help you sleep. I'm sure that once you're able to get a decent nights sleep, you'll feel much better.

Forget about those "good intentioned people" who act shocked that you're "not doing better". I think most mean well but your recovery is your own. It's NOT a failure on your part in any way, shape or form. It is what it is and honestly, I think some people just like to make themselves feel better by making others feel inadequate. Well, them!

I had someone come in and clean my house. That is a great idea from @Spex10. I'm not a fan of having a stranger clean my house but the state it was in was driving me insane. It was so worth it, it gives you a sense of normalcy and order. Chaos doesn't help for peace of mind. Maybe this would be good for you!

Anyway, I'm here for you my friend, good days and bad days. Celebratory or pity party? I'm there, a party is still a party

Sending you tons of hugs and prayers that things will get better soon! You're not alone!

 

[Spex10]

I had the misfortune to meet a woman last week who told me she was driving at 4 weeks and at my stage was hillwalking and climbing! I certainly won't be aiming to sit beside her next time our group meets!

 

[RMasano]

@L.I.T I used to take magnolia bark to sleep. Actually I might try it again. Might be worth a try. Helps with the depression too.

 

[Mireille]

 

[Cratchit]

Aw, Liz, huge and gentle hugs and if it helps, a large box of Kleenex to cry it all into.

I`m another who goes along with the hired help plan (good idea @Spex). You cannot do it all, maybe any, yourself while you`re working so hard. It`d be difficult even without The Knee. I do understand though that sometimes just doing a little of the things that make you feel normal (heck, what`s that anyway) are good for y/our mental health so as Karri said, it`s getting the balance.

I, too, understand the knee envy and have done for some years. Oh, just to be able to run or kneel or pick something up. And you already know about my leg envy!! It`s just what it is at the moment so rant and rage and shout and cry but just don`t stamp your TKR foot yet - that`ll come later!

The hubs and I had a great British Bake Off yesterday (I claim to have won!). If I were nearer I`d come round and we could eat both the cakes and finish off your lemon pie and then we could moan about being fat (just me then!) and start laughing, end up crying and have a big hug. Then we`d pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down and start all over again - but without the cakes cos we`d have eaten them!

This is hard but we`re all here with you.

Luv ya girl!

 

[Cratchit]

BTW, I met our local `why aren`t you recovered yet' know it all. Last time I saw her, at a dinner party a few weeks ago, she said 'Still using your stick then?' They were the only words she spoke to me all night and this was at the end of it! I wish I`d yes and clobbered her with it but I didn`t; I was polite. Her husband had a PKR about 20 years ago when he was nobbut a kid so she thinks she knows all about it.

I was out for lunch with my sister just now and this same woman walked in. Luckily she didn`t see me so I lobbed my stick (yes, I still need to use it outdoors; cue the sense of failure and big disappointment for that one) across to my sister and made her carry it out while I hobbled along holding onto the backs of chair until my knee got going again. Coward, me? Yup!

 

[newlybionic]

Liz I'm sorry that you are feeling down. There will always be those who go out of the way to tell others how the day they were discharged they went ballroom dancing and then surfing in the ocean the next morning. Keep your stick as long as you need it. Tell them you like having doors opened for you and a closer parking space. If they still give you some attitude go ahead and give them a rap on the head. They deserve it.

So your house is a bit out of order right now. So is mine and I have come to like it that way. My old knee is keeping me up at night and Amazon is happily sending all types of items in the biggest boxes possible! Sleep is very overrated. (at least I tell myself that). Have you tried sleeping in a recliner or on a couch? That could solve dealing with your husband's gentle breathing. 2 months down, 10 more to go until fully being recovered. You've come a long way already.

BTW, did you get any good sales of meaningless items on-line? I've got half a dining room table where I could put some more important items.

 

[Celle]

Hi Liz,
I'm sorry you're feeling down at the moment. This recovery is a test of our emotions as well as our bodies.

You're really doing very well - believe your surgeon and PT.
Don't worry about those who claim to have recovered faster. Once you have recovered, the passage of time seems to compress our memory of how long recovery actually took.

If you still need to use a stick, so what? It's just a tool and it's very useful for warding off rushing people and dogs and making people give you enough room. I still keep mine in my car and sometimes use it in crowds.

Try not to worry about the stare of your house, either. It will improve, in time - or you might ask a house-cleaning service to come in, just once.
Dust bunnies are your friends - they show that you have been resting properly:

 

[L.I.T]

Well, talk about life giving you a little perspective....

I went to the gym to ride the bike this morning, then had my session with my psychologist. Spoke to Bill on the phone to tell him I was going to sign some papers at the accountant's office - then home.

When I walked into the house, Bill was slumped in his chair and had labored breathing. To be truthful, I thought he had fallen asleep. I asked if he was OK, and he said "no". I asked him if I needed to call 911, and he said "yes". So call I did.

As I was answering the dispatch questions, his respiratory rate started decreasing... Until finally, he wasn't breathing. He started to go into a kind of a noticeable seizure, so I lowered him to the floor and started performing CPR. I knew I wasn't doing it hard enough b/c his ribs weren't breaking, but I kept going. In the middle of it all, I felt my kneecap slide out from under me and thought "I'm on top of my actual implant - well, there's an introduction to kneeling" (it's odd the things that come to mind in a crisis).

Then, strangely, just like in the movies (and we always make fun of this, saying how it doesn't happen like that), he stiffened, raised his torso, and took a long deep breath... And promptly stopped breathing again. Not knowing what to do, I kept doing cpr. Finally, the paramedics arrived and took over - they loaded him on the gurney and into the ambulance.

They asked me to stay behind to answer some questions, so I did... Then I drove my wailing self an hour to the hospital.

He's now stable breathing, awake and even talking. Still not sure what happened - heart attack, pulmonary embolism, dysautonomia as a result of coming off the steroids? They are running tests, so hopefully we'll know something.

I did feel a little bit selfish, because now my knee is screaming at me, and I asked the nurse for an ice bag. I said "that's horrible - my husband almost died, and I'm asking for an ice bag." ugh

But there we go... The lessons I learned today:
1. Be careful what you gripe about, or the person up above may show you what a REAL problem is.

2. CPR is always a good skill to know, and you can still do it even if you haven't been certified in years.

3. A 2 month old total knee can survive a drop to the knees on concrete flooring, complete with cpr compresses, and still allow you to walk afterwards. However, judging from my tenderness when I stand up, I think I'm going to be back on pain killers for a but. That's OK - I would gladly have traded my knee for hubby's life.

Xoxo

An update - bilateral pulmonary emboli. I am lucky he is still with us.

 

[RMasano]

Oh My God!!! I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!! Stay strong because I know you are and keep us updated!!!

 

[KarriB]

Oh my goodness!!! So glad you came in when you did! Maybe Bill hadn't been feeling well (in that way) for a while. There's nothing wrong with having the wherewithal to think of ice in the midst of an emergency.

 

[Mireille]

Wow, Liz, I don't know what to say. I'm so happy that he is now being taken care of and in good hands! I sadly understand how scary this must be for both of you. My husband had a heart attack 3 years ago at the age of 43 and it was one of the scariest moments of both our lives. It puts some things in perspective. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers! You need to take care of yourself in order to help take care of him! Keep asking for that ice! Please keep us posted!

 

[Cherdonnay]

Prayers for complete recovery of husband and your knee



Sent from my iPhone

 

[jaschembra]

Prayers have been said Liz. So glad you kept your wits about you and that he is at the hospital.
What a way to test out that knee.
I'll give you a little smile: I was telling my hubby about your posts and I'll admit, even reading some to him (your rant post) I explained to him that you write in a way that gives me chuckles when I need them...
He then goes upstairs to bed
I continue reading and was about to post when I read your last post.
I had to get on my phone and call my husband (upstairs) so I could tell him about your hubby. He too is glad you walked in when you did.