THR Craftdee's Made It Through

[craftdee]

Hi @Constanze Thank you so much for your kind words, and sympathy. I hope I can find the strength for the trials to come... my replaced hip has held up really well -the other one is making its presence known, but I just don't have time to deal with it right now (geez, my mammogram is five months late, my appointment with my eye specialist much the same... before Mum died there was hardly enough time in the day, now there REALLY isn't enough!!) I'll survive.... everybody does! I was very close to my Mum, I rang her every day and saw her most days, the hardest thing in this whole process is that I don't have my "go to" person to advise and assist - or even commiserate with, I miss that.
We'll work it out with Dad, it's not easy, but we at least have options and my sister and I are in agreement in what we think is right for Dad; we are at the very start of a long process, that we know!
Hope all is well with you,
Donna

 

[Me2]

Oh, Donna, my truly deepest and heartfelt sympathies.

I am sharing similar experiences with my own mom and dad. At 94, he has taken a similar turn for the worse this year. My strong, intelligent, kind, sometimes cantankerous father seems to have gotten lost in a crabby grudge-filled crippled old man. He seems to only be able to remember the things he was angry about with his children and grandchildren in life. There were not many but he remembers them with a vehemence and sometimes changes the details to make them so much worse. Spending an hour with him, we will hear the same story repeated three-four times and followed with a plaintive "Why would he/she do that?" He had THR at 91, about two years before me and sailed through! After marriage of 70 some years, he constantly berates my mom which, of course, has greatly affected her health. I love them dearly but this quickly disintegrating health is so hard to witness. With all my shoulders and back stuff going on in my life, my sister has also taken all of our families share (there are six of us but only three nearby). She lost her job in the beginning of summer and spends a good portion of the day "visiting". My mom for some reason has taken to donating to every scam artist that calls her! So sorry, didn't mean to take over here. My brother is pushing putting them both in nursing home but I know that won't happen with my dad. My brother and dad never got along. My mom would welcome the move but I know she won't leave my dad to go. So we'll struggle on for a bit yet.

So, tears flow for you....again sharing with friends means so much, and I share your grief in the loss of our parents. Hopefully your hubby is on the mend as I know you derive so much strength from him.

I've missed our and the BoneSmart camaraderie with this shoulder adventure. Just a few that have experienced it so not much to go on in recovery.

 

[Me2]

Oh, and I absolutely love the thoughts of the blankets laid out rather than flowers! So very sweet. My grandmother made blankets for almost all of her grandchildren. I know she would have so loved having the collection and love crocheted into them displayed. I can visualize how beautiful that must have been. Would love to see a picture if you have one.

 

[craftdee]

Hi Sheryl @Me2 Thank you, sweet friend for your condolences, You are right; the camaraderie of Bonesmart was so helpful during my THR recovery and I miss it regularly when even life's more-minor dramas hit, I felt so lost last night I thought of my Bonesmartie friends and how sharing can help ... selfish really, but hey ho I've been particularly unselfish for weeks now and (being in the throes of my second chest infection since Mum died I feel "due" for some selfishness!) I am grateful the Moderators have let me include this particularly non-hip chat on my thread

My strong, intelligent, kind, sometimes cantankerous father seems to have gotten lost in a crabby grudge-filled crippled old man. He seems to only be able to remember the things he was angry about with his children and grandchildren in life. There were not many but he remembers them with a vehemence and sometimes changes the details to make them so much worse. Spending an hour with him, we will hear the same story repeated three-four times and followed with a plaintive "Why would he/she do that?"

IS my Dad!!! My sister is caring for him 24/7, on paper, I am over there as referee at least once a day... he is making it so difficult; I am very much like Mum so when I tell him to pull his horns in he at least kinda listens... he calls me the bossy one, but that's what he called Mum and he adored her, so I'll take it. Fiona is very much like Dad and I think this is where it will fall down.

I went over yesterday afternoon (I didn't want to go as my infection is quite bad and Dad is 87!) and essentially read him the riot act; told him we were doing all we could - at cost to our own lives - to keep him in his home as long as possible. He jumped up and said "I can see what's going on here, you want to put me in prison and get my house". I lost the plot a bit, told him the only way he can stay in his house is if Fiona stays with him, that when he was her age he was doing what he wanted with his life, he sure as hell wasn't looking after an elderly parent full time, 400 kilometres away from his home and his spouse! That I didn't want any of his house... but could have had it already if I'd wanted (I have Power of Attorney) Some of it went in, he has a bit of the tinfoil hat about him, so I push the notion that if we don't find somewhere decent for him to live the Government will do it, and they won't care what sort of place it is.... that it is great that he and Mum have kept their asset base up by staying in a too-big house on a too-big block even when it was hard for them to maintain, meaning we can now afford a nice facility.

Stefan and I had him for most of today; we took him to the bank (even though with my POA I could more easily handle his affairs by internet, I am trying to keep things as close to "normal" as I can... so trekking to the bank is what I do... then he came shopping with us, and spent the rest of the day with us at home; he was fine!! I think my personality probably suits Dad more, and Stefan is the calmest person I know! but unfortunately I'm not the sister with the time to be his full-time carer, so he has to adjust to living with Fiona or the idea of going into assisted living or a nursing home. It is inevietable, Fiona was quite adamant that she was going to "live with him for the duration" but that was of course before she'd tried it! We're on the same page now, just wanting to make any decisions with as little pressure as possible.

We actually drove him past a couple of homes we've been looking at and he was quite positive about them; saying they looked nice (the one Fi and I went to the other day for a reccy was like a 5 star hotel... then again it should be when the bond to get in is $500,000+, plus 85% of his pension per fortnight plus $20 per day "care package". Anyway, it would seem it is all about approach with Dad, when he's having a good day anyway, on a bad day forget it!

The people at the funeral home really liked the Nanna Blanket tribute too and said they had taken a picture of it all set up when we were in the condolence lounge; they said they'd send it but haven't; I'll have to get onto them. In the meantime here's a pic of me and my lovely Mum, taken at New Year this year... not bad for 85, hope I got her "age" gene - hope I got a lot of her genes!

 

[CricketHip]

@craftdee I am so sorry for your loss and for what you are continuing to handle with your father. Not to mention your husband's health, too!!
Your mother (and You!) are beautiful in the picture you shared. Prayers for you and your family!

 

[Constanze]

Hi Donna @craftdee , Thanks for posting the photo of you and your beautiful mum. She looks so slim and elegant. And you look so much younger than your real age. May you have the strength to handle the problems with your dad. Sounds as if you get on well with him. I wish I had your mental strength and endurance. Best wishes also to Fiona, whose recovery thread I also followed up. I was in recovery myself then. I hope her hip is allright and also wish her the best when tackling all her new tasks - I nice hello from Constanze

 

[craftdee]

Thank you for your sweet message @CricketHip it's nice to feel supported by people across the globe. This whole "Dad thing" is a process, it's just the fact that we don't know the rules yet that is making it a challenge. I'm looking into what sort of stuff I need to know, or who has that knowledge if I need to secure professional advice. It is a bit of a minefield and of course we are extra vulnerable right now because of Mum's death so I may have to pay for advice and abilities that I may in normal circumstances been able to work out for myself... still it's better to pay out a bit now if it means I don't make a mistake that costs a lot (in financial and emotional terms) later.

My Mum was beautiful, a truly beautiful person, beautiful on the inside... and she had "nice" looks but her zest for life lifted her physical look - she glowed; when she died and that life force was gone she just looked like an old lady - in some strange way it helped me come to terms that "she" wasn't with us anymore.

I took a photo of her into the hospital where she died with a thank you card (they really were exceptionally considerate and thoughtful of her and us) to show them that she didn't always look as she did then. I told them in my note that I felt it was important that they know they were treating and caring for a "real" person, that she was vibrant and full of life and not just the rather skinny patient about to die in room 1. The nurse who took it from me told me that very few loved ones thank them... in fact, my card was only the second they had received THIS YEAR, and it meant a lot, reinforced to them what they already had demonstrated to us; that they care for people, not patients.

Thank you too for your prayers, I am not a religious person... but I'll take those prayers with great appreciation of the spirit in which they are offered, thankyou

Hope your hip is going well, I see it nearly your "hip-iversary" Congrats

 

[craftdee]

Thanks for your continuing support @Constanze My Mum WAS slim... too slim in fact! She was unwell last year and her weight fell to 37Kg, she was about 39.5 in this pic and celebrated the fact that she had got to 41Kg just a week before her death. She was slim all her life, but it didn't save her from some of the problems associated with obesity and overeating; I went with her in the ambulance last year (or earlier this year, can't remember!) and her blood pressure was 244/102. The poor paramedic just kept looking at me then her, until I told him that her pressure was invariably high and she didn't even bother her doctor with it until it approached 210. They had done all sorts of tests and trials and decided that she was, and I quote "just naturally hypertensive", I could have told them that, lol

Donna

 

[Me2]

This whole "Dad thing" is a process, it's just the fact that we don't know the rules yet that is making it a challenge. I'm looking into what sort of stuff I need to know, or who has that knowledge if I need to secure professional advice. It is a bit of a minefield

Yes, it is. Thinking of you and sending a hug