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What advice for the caretaker?

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dw172

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When Bill has his surgery on August 19th, of course i will be caring for him. What hints can you give me to make it easier for him to recouperate?
Sandie
 
Recently, I cared for my husband through 2 TKR's. I'd suggest if you have a spare bedroom, let him have the master. Trust me, you need a good night sleep to take care of him during the day. The first 3 weeks, my husband got up frequently during the night... to go to the bathroom and to walk. His leg got stiff during the night and when it got stiff, it hurt. I bought a brass bell for him to ring if he needed me during the night so I didn't have to listen for his call... the bell was loud so I was able to hear it even when I was in a deep sleep. Good for me, because I would have listened for him to call all night long. We have a 2 story house so the bell worked great during the day, too, because I was able to hear him when I was downstairs in the kitchen. I made sure there was enough ice made for the ice machine but he actually preferred the rectangular gel packs... I bought 4 of them from my local drug store, so one was always iced and ready to go. I also made sure he had water on his bedside table at all times and extra during the night and I encouraged him to drink. I had a pad of paper by his bedside table and each time he took meds or used the CPM machine or did his exercises, I wrote it down with the time of day. You'd be surprised how easily you forget what happens and when. I also helped him with his PT exercises... encouraging him, keeping count of each exercise and making sure he was doing them correctly (I watched the in-home PT carefully at to how it should be done). Whenever I was away from home, I made sure my cell phone was on and the home phone was within his reach. I'm exhausted just listing all the things I did but after 43 years of marriage, we're always there for each other. Actually, I will be having a TKR soon, and it's nice to know he'll be there for me!
 
Sandy,
Thanks for the input. I know it is going to be hard for both of us, but worse for Bill.I am lucky to have a best friend who is also his sister and will help out as she lives here too.
Sandie
 
I would like to suggest that the pain and medication might affect his moods. While we all know we have the best spouses in the world there might be a time or two that he might say something that might suggest a total lack of appreciation for the care giving you are doing. Just shake it off, please.
-Gary
 
Good point, gmac. It's a well known phenomenon that when stressed and/or in pain, a person will vent on the people they believe they can trust. And don't they just! It's a very difficult thing to remember that even when they are throwing a hissy fit (and the water carafe!) they vent on you because you are their confidant. They may put on a brave face for others and be sweet and charming and as soon as they're gone, they rant and rage at you. You feel like a punch bag and it hurts. But you're only getting it because you're the person they trust to take it without hitting back or walking out. Biggest test of a relationship ever, that.

Been there myself so that comes from personal experience.
 
I agree with all the previous posts.

The best thing my hubby did was to stay through the home PT sessions so he could work with me when I had to do them on my own--and make sure I was doing them correctly. Of course, I got annoyed & cranky when he corrected me--but I knew it was for my own good.

Then he made a handy daily checklist for me of the medications AND each exercise. That way I could check them off as I did each exercise. This way I had a sense of accomplishment and I didn't forget to do any.

And definitely separate beds. You probably won't be sleeping well, so he may as well :)

And I'm sure he got sick of leaving glasses of water all over the house for me, but it hard to carry a glass of water when you're using a walker.


Good luck!
 
The suggestions above are great. The only thing I would add is that the caretaker needs to have immense patience and understanding. My other half is struggling with this. I usually move 300 mph with everything we do, but now - it takes me about 20 minutes round trip to hit the bathroom. I need a lot more time. And then if i make a strange noise just let it go - it is probably a grunt from some weird pain that is taking place.
Marianne
 
I think the more the caretaker knows about the surgery itself (what they actually did with the power tools while you were under) really helps later. When I was crying trying to do my home exercises the first day out of the hospital, my husband was very sensitive and reminded me that I had just had a very MAJOR surgery. Now I have to continue to remind of that at 4 weeks but actually is doing fine.

My girls ages 18, 14, & 11 have not been as helpful as I would have liked and that has made me kinda angry after all the years of changing diapers and making dinner. But I will have to work that out in counseling once I can drive again!

Annette
 
Annette,

I think it is all too common that out kids do not help out that much. I had cervical surgery last summer and each of mine probably filled up my water glass a few times when I asked. For instance when they were walking by.

For the hip, kind of the same thing. My older daughter was making herself something to eat once and asked me if I wanted some. I should have had a live video of the surgery going at all times!!!

Mine at home are 19, 15 and 13. My youngest kept asking me for rides for the first 3 weeks.
In my case I think I spent so many years doing it all , that I spoiled every one of them including the spouse.
Judy
 
Annette,
About 4 years ago I started having major endocrine problems, all undiagnosed, all docs telling me it was aging or running.
Anyway , I really needed help at home for the first time. No luck with anything I tried. So I went on strike January "06. I washed just my clothes, I stopped cooking, cleaning, only took care of my own stuff.

Well, no success there either. I decided I live with the pig family!! They really don't see it the same way I do and are fine with it being a mess. It does at times make me totally crazy. Good enough psych drugs keep me ok with it most of the time.

When I came home from the hospital this time, I could not believe what a mess it was. The kids bathroom had 4 empty toilet paper rolls on the floor. Yes, there is a trash can there too!! I asked my 19 year old if she had eve in her life seen a bathroom like that in a friends house. She said yes!!

The kitchen floor was gross. I told my 13 year old that I could not stand to walk on it. She came with me to look at it and said where is it dirty!!!
Their perception is very different. Of course the husband has the same perception as they do, so I feel totally defeated!!

Yes, I know exactly how you feel!!!!
Judy
 
Annette - Welcome to the Judy and Marianne Club - UGhhhhh. I am right there with you. My husband took the cake this week. He went into shut down mode. Since I wan't home he just shut down. DID NOTHING. We had my daughter spend Sunday PM with her aunt so she didn't need to go to the hospital with us at the crack of dawn. We went in for 5:45. My nerve block was done at 6:15 ish (????) so he left at that point. Went home and slept. They called him at 9:30 when I was done. He called my family for me. Called him again when I had a room. He came in around like 1 with my stuff and stayed like 30 minutes. Looked so uncomfortable. Managed to get my sister-in-law to keep my girl another night. Tuesday he didn't call until late afternoon. Showed up at 5:30 and had dinner with me and left like at 6:30 to go get my daughter. Wed. ne never called so I called him at 2. He was mowing the lawn and he said he would call me back - never did. I called my sister-in-law to see if all was ok - she said she thought so. They finally showed up at 7:30 and stayed till 9:15 and went to a movie. I warned him they were sending me home on Thursday so make sure he had the phone by the bed. I tried calling at 11, 11:30 and finally I woke him up at 11:45. We live an hour from the hospital. So he rolled the kid out of bed and threw sweats on and barely got there at 1pm. Get's better - He sorta ticked me off with all this and then my daughter made the comment - Daddy woke me up. So the ride home was tense and yes - I had an emotional moment and his response was - they should have kept you another day. I was ready to just breaksown totally. He did apologize, but let me tell you - my house is a total mess. He has trouble with the concept of how to get Laundry done. Forget about any other cleaning. What a night mare. Tomorrow afternoon I am going to supervise and they WILL clean. He has been awesome in the keeping me company category while I am on the CPM and has been supportive with the cry-cuff and all that kind of stuff - but doesn't seem to get that he is supposed to be doing all my "chores" since I can't. UGHHHH

OK - Better stop venting - I may blow a fuse

Marianne
 
I don't know what to say - that seems like more of a trial than the op itself. Men!!

I recall when my sister's husband was left on his own for about 3/4 days once. When we got home, there was a long line of half eaten fry-ups on the kitchen table, each plate touching the rim of the one before it, just like a choo-choo train!
[Bonesmart.org] What advice for the caretaker?
[Bonesmart.org] What advice for the caretaker?
I think if we'd have been away 12 more hours, he had continued to shove until the first one fell off the other end of the table!

Oh wait - he couldn't have done that. There weren't any more clean plates!

I won't even try and describe what was in the sink and on the cooker!
 
Marianne,

I am glad for one thing, that I did not clean the house before i had surgery!!!
As far as visiting last summer was the same pattern as this.
Day of surgery as there are no time limits on visiting hours. He and the kids arrived at about 9pm, stayed about 10 minutes. This time the kids did not come on surgery day, the next evening around 8pm. He called and asked me if I wanted him to make them come???
Then the next 3 evenings same thing, except only my son came one night, the girls never again!!!
OF course I explained my going home day in a different thread. Morning of day 6, really can't wait to get out of there and he wanted to pick Jamie (same kid who could not come and visit) up first and have me sit tight for an hour and a half. Yes, I blew a fuse then. So I got the first ride, he told me to hurry up as Jamie was waiting at college!!Basically dropped me off and ran out the door.
My first day home he was out the door at 12noon . It got earlier from then. so I got coffee and that was it. Last summer I told him I needed him to stay home as the pre op nurse told me not to even reach for a glass of water, always get someone to get things for me. Jeff is ready at 9am to go to work.

OK enough of the complaining, except this is the best of all.
Last child born at about 6pm. I get booted out of the hospital at like 10am next morning. My parents had driven across country to be there (first time). He leaves my mom at home, loads the kids up to come and meet their baby sister, he took my dad too. I'm totally ready when he gets there, I had a baby about 15 hours earlier and he says we are going to stop and eat at his favorite restaurant on the hour drive home. I don't know how I let him live through that one. So when I told him no way, he left me there and said he would come back and get me when they were done eating!!!!

Now I am done!!!!
Marianne,I hope you are feeling good and getting stronger every day
Judy
 
Wow Guys!

I really am not alone. I guess I am always thinking that other familes are somehow less dysfunctional than mine. I do regret doing everything all of these years. It has left my girls kinda clueless when it comes to normal household things. Neither my kids or husband are able to anticipate needs. For instance, they are all leaving the house during my first week home and no one checks to see if I need anything first . . . like maybe some food or water! Keeping the Cryo Cuff full of ice seemed to bother them too. Yes they would do it when I asked but not on their own initiative.

My husband actually did pretty well the first week but then went out of town the second week and boy did I feel abandoned. But today marks 4 weeks and I am actually at work - on a break of course. I drove myself here. I can now get my own food and fill up the ice thing but I will be darned if I will use my precious energy to do dishes or clean up after them. So when the kids ask if they can go somewhere or have a friend over my first question is "Is the house clean?" If not then the answer has been no. It is working pretty well.

I am venting too but I am glad to have family. What would it be like to do this all alone? I need to go home and make a grateful list.

Annette
 
It is the same with all kids. My 19 year old on is home for the summer from college and i am trying to get him tuned into some of the yard work. It is not going easy. I have a lot of new landscaping and he just can't grasp the concept that when it is wilting it needs water. I have him quiting his summer job early so he can stay at home and help so my wife ca continue to work. I am sure that it is going to be stressfull. Maybe it will speed up my recovery seeing everything not being done properly.

Well I should get some rest. I have to be at hospital 6:00am
 
Good Luck exjock. I feel your surgery recovery will happen before you get that 19 year old to do any yard work

Judy
 
Just want to thank you for your stories. My hubby can sometimes be a bit remote; especially with illness--he tends to view illness or disability as a moral failing on my part----but after reading these, I think I will go give him a hug!!!! He was more great with my recovery than I realized :)
 
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