What a disappointing week... and I hope its normal...

[FrogFeathers]

I thought I was doing so great. I've stopped taking the OTC meds ("arthritis strength acetaminophen" which is 650 mgs, I take two) during the day- except when needed. Two days last week, I walked a mile for exercise.

I've stood up to cook dinner and I've baked cookies (something I couldn't do for three years- the cookies, not the dinner). I've walked through the grocery store unassisted (without the cane). I've been going up the stairs using both knees and I sometimes come down the steps using both (it depends on how fast I need to get downstairs because using both takes longer right now).

My appetite has returned (in a good way, of course). I don't have that horrible stiffness when I get to my feet after sitting for an extended amount of time. For a while there, I'd have to stand up and take a few moments to let my knee straighten and ease up a bit. Then I could start to walk and those first few steps were always slow and stiff-legged. If I walk slow enough, I don't even limp (but really, who can walk that slow? I've got stuff to do, dangit).

But, after I did my Tuesday walk last week, I skipped Wednesday, not wanting to push too hard. Thursday, I walked again. Saturday rolled around and I could barely muster the energy to get out of bed. There was no way I could get my trainers on and get out the door for a mile walk. I had to go to the store and I ended up having to use my cane before I was halfway through. I go through some days all right, but then other days, I'm so mind-numbingly exhausted, all I want to do is take a nap after I wake up from one.

Sunday and Monday, my arthritis flared up badly (in my other knee and my hand/fingers and both wrists). My surgical knee even ached as if it had arthritis. Today, I was still sore, but felt more "human".

I get worried... I'm worried that I'm not going to heal all the way and I'll be stuck like this forever. I fear that I'll be stuck being this fat, disgusting blob for the rest of my life. I liked my life so much more when I wasn't this big. And because I can live with pain (as I've done for the better part of five years or more), I feel angry that the fat thing is what I'm worried about. And in turn, that makes me feel shallow and self-centered.

My husband doesn't have the mental capacity to deal with how I feel. (he had a stroke 14 years ago- so he either can't deal or doesn't want to deal- either way, I don't really have anyone to lean on for support). My kids (who are all teens, the oldest is almost 20) are kids and it isn't their job to deal with me, so I try not to bother them too much. (My son, 17 years old, already does things for me, like taking out the dogs and going to the store with me to cut down on my actual walking time there).

I hope this is normal. I hope that everything is healing good. I almost can't stand to read other people's stories anymore because I'm four months out from my surgery and they've got less time than I have. They're bending more, doing more, living more. I'm just happy to bend to 105/110 and my biggest accomplishment is that I cooked dinner for my family.

Its been a very disappointing week.

 

[Texas]

Hey you , We arelalways here for you. You knew that , even to vent, we all do it. Maybe you did do to much. Take it a lil easier. If your walking, groc shopping, taking care of your mom. your husband , your kids maybe you are over doing it. Dont be so hard on yourself. Ya know even when I was gaining weight, yes I wanted to watch it but weight doesnt make the person. And you are a good person iside. Dont worry about what other people think. You can never please everyone. You can work on your weight for you only you. Time to have you time...You take care of everyone else not its your turn. I wish you would come on and chat sometimes its good to get things off your chest....I think that is normal. Dont feel bad about yourself. No reason to I would rather be a good person with extra weight then a not so good person and skin anf bone....I think your doing great...Keep your head up !!!!......Post anytime....

 

[loggon]

Frog
We are at about the same time out of surgery.

you describted exactly like I feel. it does come and go and I
can get sooooooooo tired.

But I know we will both get better. Just think of how you were a month ago.

You will get back to normal as will I.

I always was so little and then with other surgery a few years back I gained a lot of weight and now with this knee being so bad the last 3 years I gained a lot more.

Don't even think about taking it off right now. Think about getting more energy and keep trying to do a little more each day.

I know what you mean about some of the post on here where they are walk, biking and everything else so much. But then read a day later and you will see where they have slipped back because they other did.

I am going slow and easy. I only had the right knee done and my rom is getting pretty good. I am still in PT and the person is so good. I have never had any pain in my pt and I am doing better than those that are pushing so hard and exercising all the time.
My left knee is 145 and my right is 122 and my PT says she will get it to 130 but she is going for 135. I am just happy to be at the 122.

So hang in there because we both will get to where we want to be. It may take us a while but the end result will be worth it.

 

[Judles]

Froggie,,,,,Don't croak! I think you are just totally exhausted! Why don't you just ease up on your activity level the next couple of days...take some OTC muscle relaxers and kick back and try taking I easy! Couldn't hurt,right???!!!!

 

[Jamie]

Frog, I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling down. I think most of us had times during recovery when we felt like things weren't progressing as fast as they should and we were just plain tired of it all. You're certainly not alone in those feelings! It does get better. The recovery road takes a few twists and turns back on itself before it finally straightens out and you feel like you're really there.

That's why we're all here for you....we know it's not easy for your friends and family who haven't had this type of surgery with its looooong recovery to really "get" what it feels like for you. You just come here and vent all you want. We'll be here for you and probably have had the exact same thoughts and emotions at one time!

You are normal...in fact you are doing just fine for 4 months. That's still fairly early in most people's recovery schedule! Try and focus on what you're able to do today that you couldn't do a week ago, a month ago, or before the operation. That list of things will get longer and longer with some more time.

Be sure you are taking some type of pain medication or anti-inflammant whenever you have a bout of swelling or pain. It's perfectly normal to start and stop meds depending on what's going on with your body. Heck, you may even need a prescription level pain med now and then.....I did. It's a case of listening to your body, feeling what's going on and responding. You are pushing a little harder doing some of the things you CAN do now, so it's logical that you may need some additional rest. Or if you're hurting or having trouble sleeping, that could cause you to be more tired than you have been.

I guess what I'm saying is that you ARE normal. Everyone heals differently. Sometimes the pace moves right along; other times you have some steps backward. But you ARE moving forward and you WILL get there!!!

 

[Surfsister]

Don't despair, FrogFeathers. You're at the part of the recovery that I find the most maddening. There are days when I feel really good, so good that I think I'm well on my way to being my old self. There's little pain. My attitude is good. Then, the days that follow are filled with pain and stiffness. That, in turn, causes my upbeat attitude to take a quick downturn. I, too, get envious because others can bend their knees so well that they can touch their butts with their feet. I've got 114 for flexion and getting there has been a struggle. I have no insurance so I only go to PT once a week . . . and get tortured. I also go to a massage therapist who almost kills me while he's working on all of the scar tissue. It seems unfair that I'm suffering this much to get my knee to bend while others who don't want to tax their legs as much as I do in my normal, non-injured life can get kicked out of PT early because of great ROM.

I'm kind of where you are. Frankly, I think it will get better. All we can do is have faith. We didn't get this surgery for nothing. Some recover faster than others. Some will bend faster than others. The goal for all of us is to be pain-free. It's coming. You've already experienced an inkling of things to come. (You made cookies and dinner. I know how happy you are about that. I went to my old job today and stood around talking for about 40 minutes. At some point I realized I was stiff, but not in much pain. Eureka!)

We still have quite a few pity parties ahead of us before we can look back on this and laugh. Hang tough, girl! I'm trying to do the same. I have to remind myself of all of the things I just told you when I see my two therapists. I am making progress. Any additional degree of flexion I can get is worth it.

Neither you nor I is done healing yet. We'll get there.

 

[brs0660]

Frog...frog. You are so NORMAL

I am so sorry you are having a disappointing week. Hang in there. You have to take each good day and be thankful for it. Then when you have set backs, try to think forward to the next good day. I know this is not what you want but take it one day

I am not the BoneSmart poster child either. I am 13 weeks post surgery--ROM is 108. I have made cookies, but I have not cooked dinner yet. I still use my cane because my Left Knee is a real PAIN. (I told it that it that it too can and will be replaced!) I get home from work and collapse.

My hubby just does not get it...(he had a stroke and a heart attack 13 years ago)...he has been wonderfully supportive and cooks and does laundry etc (he is retired)...but he just does not know what to do with me when I have a "meltdown".

You said, "I'm worried that I'm not going to heal all the way and I'll be stuck like this forever. I fear that I'll be stuck being this fat, disgusting blob for the rest of my life." That just is not true!!! You are working hard to recover! You have done (I assume and still are) your home PT. You are trying to walk. None of these things sounds like a disgusting blob!!! (My OS was not convinced that he should do the replacement because of my weight)

This was major surgery. You have recovered with a minimum of problems...ROM is something that you can continue to work on. 110 is good. No, our recovery has not been like Ski or Brian...we are different bodies and we were in a different place when we had surgery (we were not hiking or skiing etc).

This is the place you go when you need support! We are here for each other.

Question??? Didn't you just have a big weather change up your way? I bet some of your discomfort is weather related.

Hang in there
Barb

 

[Motherofmany]

Hey FrogFeathers,

Been there, done that! Find it difficult to even walk to the car and in the house without pain and stiffness. I know people wonder when they see me get out, did she just drive here???

I don't even try to compare myself with others, that's a disaster waiting to happen. I hate it when my husband tells me how well so and so did with their BTKR. It makes me feel inferior. I struggle enough without feeling guilty about being jealous of their success then end up feeling sorry for myself, so I just don't go there at all! Don't need to encourage pity parties. Instead I try to encourage others when they feel down too, cause I am there too! That's what we are here for. Somehow it helps (strange) to know we are not alone in this struggle.

I try to look for the small victories I have and celebrate them. Time seems to be the factor here and it is so slow right now during this healing process. Wish it were different! But it's not. Often it's because I'm pushing myself to do more than I'm capable and think I should be doing more. Goes back to knowing how well others are doing and thinking I should be right there with them. See how vicious this cycle is. It is totally self defeating.

The issue of weight is one most of us are dealing with because of the lack of activity. It's easy to eat junk, instead of healthy because it's more convenient. I haven't been able to go to my First Place 4 Health class for about a month, and I have not been doing well in that area because of lack of accountability. So I know how you are feeling! Please don't be so down on yourself. You sound like you are making progress. We all have good days and bad ones. Just keep looking forward to the good ones.

 

[calling_all_angels]

Froggie,
Gee whizz You must not compare yourself to the ones that are flying through recovery.
There are some of us here that are not doing as well. I for one try not to post about how many problems I am having for fear that I will scare others. And I do not want to do that. But I do like to read about how some are doing so well it gives me hope. And hope is something that I can always use. But It has to be hard for you when you have no one to share how you feel.
Wait you have us!!!! We will been here to help you ever inch of the way!!!
We will figure out how to put a smile back on your face Little Froggie never fear!!!
It is going to be ok!! I think these knees can be a real pain sometimes. All I know is sometime I feel like I have failed a test only I didn't know this was a test.
I guess that at 4 months you are still in the middle of major healing. At least that is my story!!!! I must be still healing. LOL
Naaaaaa I am just weird. But I sometimes feel like everyone is leeps and bounds ahead of me too.
I even had a MUA on the knees and it did nothing the Doc could not get the scar tissue to break up!! He said he gave it all he had (and believe me if you saw my knees you would cry thats how bad they look after his big try) I am doing everything I can think of to bend and walk on these knees.
So come and tell me what your worst is. I will listen to everything you have to say.

 

[old goat]

I felt the same way last week. I think this is normal. There are times when we inch along, but the direction overall is what counts. Keep that in mind. I know those alone feelings you are talking about. I think you are doing fantastic. Hang in there. Old Goat

 

[skigirl]

Dear Frog,

Wow, you sound completely normal to me!!! I think that I am doing farily well in my recovery--and then I hear about guys who worked really hard in pt and at four weeks are normal--and I'm jealous too!!! Silly really--each of us has our successes--and it does not matter what your own success is compared to others. I think that walking a mile was a real "Milestone" for you!! And rightly so. Now that a mile is getting easier, it does not mean that is is not a success.

I am lucky in the weight department--but that is one of the reasons that I did not want to wait until I could not walk on this knee. One of the ski instructors came to work last year and could not work because of the pain. I did not want to reach that stage---and so had the surgery this spring. Now, you are luckier than me because since you waited, you felt better about the surgery. Since I did not get to "rock bottom" with my knee I was frustrated that maybe I had the surgery too soon---and why did I do this to myself!!

Weight comes off---especially when you can move. Any woman who used to walk four miles per day has the potential to loose weight. Don't be so hard on yourself---when I see an overweight woman sitting in a chair--I feel compassion--there, but for the grace of god, go I. But the minute that I gain five pounds, I see myself as disgusting. Give yourself the same grace that you would extend to a stranger. Okay, I am heavier than I want to be, I am confidant that once my knees are working and I am more mobile, I will loose this weight. In the meantime, I will focus on healthier meals for my family and myself and watch my portions. Hey---anybody who survives this surgery can do anything.

Five years ago I lost15 pounds--and I have not regained any of it. Why? because I could see that I was simply eating too much--my portions were enough to feed a family instead of a 5'4" woman. I started using a small plate--and a salad fork (because I was also a FAST eater). when I fill the smaller plate, I take smaller portions--and I eat slower with the smaller fork.

Now, all you have to do is give me some pointers so that I can loose the last 15 pounds and I will be the same size that I was in high school when I wore a size 8!!! Help, that skinny girl is inside me somewhere!!!

 

[FrogFeathers]

The only reason I waited three years for my surgery was because of the Veteran's Hospital. They didn't do anything for me and I couldn't see an off-site doctor till they approved. It took them almost three whole years. I saw the VA doctor in December and he told me "We've exhausted all other options..." Well, gee, Doc, we did that three years ago. I saw my surgeon in January, he told me to wait a month, discuss it with my family, then come back in. There was no discussion. I came home and said, "I'm supposed to 'discuss' it with you... here it is- I'm getting it done." I waited three weeks and went back. Then it all fell into place. MRI 30 days before surgery, blood work, etc... I've got photos of myself before the surgery, in the pre-op room, all smiles and "thumbs up" to the camera. Then, right after surgery, still kind of groggy, but still all smiles. Oh, to have that enthusiasm today.

I'm really relieved to hear this is normal. I really didn't expect to fall back once I started moving forward. And on those days I don't like reading other people's stories- I'm still happy for them (even a little jealous!) and I'm glad they're getting on with things. Oh and someone mentioned their disposition- I'm normally upbeat and optimistic. I've been told that I find humor in things- well, you kind of have to, because if you don't laugh at something, you'll go insane. Sometimes, my disposition takes a hit and I'm not finding humor in anything- then people get freaked out because I'm not all sunny and giggles. Like I'm not "allowed" to have a bad day.

One of my biggest problems is that my husband doesn't understand the level of pain. Sure, he had a stroke, but he's not in pain. He doesn't seem to grasp that when I mention "pain", its a long-term, daily thing. Shortly after I returned home from surgery (two weeks in the hospital with rehab, two weeks at my parents' handicapped accessible house), he was on his knees fixing a shelf for his massive DVD collection. He stood up, making that old-person groan that we're all familiar with and declared: "Oh, my knees ain't what they used to be!"

I burst out laughing and said, "Your knees? I don't even have my own knee anymore!"

My doctor at the VA hospital- I got him about a year ago (they change often, every year or two because they're students) and without even going back in my history, despite me telling him to, he decided that I was fat and the reason my knees hurt was because I was fat. I pointed out to him that, no... I was in pain first, then I got fat from not being able to exercise. He would tell me, "you need to exercise, even to lose twenty pounds, you'd feel better..." and not ten minutes later, tell me to stay off my feet because of the tendonitis and bursitis I had in my feet. So, I'm supposed to simultaneously exercise and take it easy. (I saw a podiatrist when I saw my surgeon, because I had that off-site consult letter and it turned out to be plantar faceitis- however that's spelled- and now I've got special, non-custom insoles that take the pain out of my feet).

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. Its good to know that I'm "normal".

 

[silverbirduk]

Frogfeathers
A couple of days ago I put on yet another top only to find it no longer fitted me, so I sat on the bed and cried thinking what a fat slob I had become. I have all the usual excuses, giving up smoking, starting on insulin, and having to take steroids, all of which help put on weight. When I was about 3 months from surgery my husband said I should stop reading this site because I always picked up on people who appeared to be doing much better than I was, in a much shorter time.

As someone else said, it you read longer and more closely you realise that it is not as clear cut as it seems, some are doing much better at one thing and not others, and nothing is “normal”. It is a bit like statistics, you can make them mean anything. I am trying to write down things that I could not do six months ago, and have it handy to read when I feel down.

Two things I am really grateful for, a surgeon who did not insist I lost more weight before surgery, and an extremely supportive husband.

This seems a bit of a rant about me, but I really mean to assure you that there are always going to be good and bad days, just as there were before TKR.

Margaret

 

[Josephine]

Re the weather thing: some may recall I purchased a barometer. I've been making checks and discovered that when the barometric pressure is high (1018-1022) I'm not at all bad, in fact pretty good. But when it drops to 1012 or lower the old knee starts griping something terrible!

Today the pressure is 998. I won't describe the state of my knee because I want don't want to over exercise the profanity filter!

 

[loggon]

Margaret

You are so right in your post.

We can not go by what others are doing.

I just don't read post by some anymore. I have been lucky that I have never had the depression part of the surgery or the low moods.

But I would just get mad and think maybe the low moods would have been better.

Anyway we all will get better and we will look back on this and think why was I so worried. It will just take time.

 

[shamrock]

Oh my goodness, I never dreamed so many of us were feeling exactly the same way! We're quite the club, Froggy! I notice that a lot of you have had MUA and I wonder how the results have been. I am scheduled for one tomorrow (bilaterally) and am worrying about it- of course. I have a flexion of 84 on my left knee, and 74 on my right. I have been having PT 3 times a week, massage therapy weekly, acupuncture, and I am exercising as perscribed. Sometimes I get so down.....I feel I should be doing more and taking a more active role in running my household. Still walking with 2 canes. Sometimes I feel so tired I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. Other days seem so much better.:D I'm so glad I found thid website- maybe I'm not so abnormal after all. Thank you to all of you for posting and telling us how you feel. You may never know how much your post has helped someone else who is struggling too.
Bilateral TKR 05/14/09
MUA 07/16/09

 

[FrogFeathers]

About the moods- on top of it all, I've been going through peri-menopause for the last four, five years. So, that tends to add to the mood swings. For the most part, I'm upbeat about things. Or I try to be (sort of "fake it till you can make it" kind of thing).

I've had a few messages saying things like the reason my husband doesn't show he cares is he's trying to be strong on the outside and such. That's not the case. He just simply doesn't care. He won't show any emotion about the situation till I can say, "Hey, I'm fine!" and then I'll get a "Good, its about [expletive] time." I'm sure its the stroke (aphasia and apraxia), but I'm tired of the excuse. I'm also tired of me being the one to handle it all.

For the month I was "unavailable" (the two weeks in the hospital, two weeks at my parents' house) he had to handle everything. And while everyone managed to survived, it wasn't a happy-fun time. The kids would call me and complain about him and things from dinner to how late he left to take them to school or wouldn't give them lunch money or some such. He'd come over and be cranky and rude and I'd push it out of him that he was "sick of doing all this [expletive]..." (all I could do was point out to him that three years ago, he told his entire family that I didn't do anything except sit on my rear and he did it ALL... and yet, here he was, doing all the stuff I had to do and not liking it.)

I just told him what some had said about him and his not caring. His response was a pause, then he started talking about a shelf thingy he's building for our daughter's friend's house. Yeah, way to show you care, by ignoring me.

Anyway, enough about him. I'm going to have to look into getting a barometer. Then I can keep track and prepare as I have to. (we had a thunderstorm this morning)

One thing I've noticed is a number of you get massages. I can't get a massage, affordability and availability and such. And I can't get my husband to rub my knee for me. I can't even get him to touch my scar. And this is the one thing that makes me laugh- I asked him why he won't touch the scar and he finally told me: "Because I'm afraid it'll split open and all your bionic stuff will fall out."

:lvros:

 

[GaryM]

Froggy Chin up! It's ok. We all have had those day. Glad they are behind me now and they will be for you soon. I did notice that as soon as I was able to get off my meds I felt much better , physicaly and mentaly. It was like they were dragging me down:sct:. Just take one day at a time and work through it. It does get better. I am so happy now. You'll get there. It's not easy. At least it wasn't for me. Though Max did very well. Contact him. He may be able to give you some pointers. Stick with your PT. Attack it. Work hard.

Gary

 

[Texas]

Aw Frog. Im sorry some people think no matter what your problems are, theirs is always worse then yours. We have talked before so I get it....I wish you would vent more on here. i think we all get it to some degree. I know your husband had problems but that doesnt make your anyless. All you can do is what you can do and handle let him get his own food, do something for himself he will see its not easy. Pull out something and show him recovery could take up to a yr. Maybe that might work if he saw it. IDK but you need to take care of yourself, its beed said this was a big surgery and you wont be all better for awhile....We are all here for you, you know that and we know what your going thru. I dont think anyone should say anyone is fat..If you choose to lose weight do it for you noone else just you. But I have seen your pics and you are a beautiful girl.....

 

[JudyS]

Hi Froggy
I just read through this. Yes you are normal. I did not have a knee replaced, but other surgery and a hip. At 4 months it is definately the recovery stage of ups and downs. When I was on for the hip all of us hippies were talking about 3 steps forward 2 backward, but still it is all better in the end.
I still feel crazy mood swings. You mentioned peri menapause. I have major endocrine issues. It's funny , I will take off for a short hike, be the happiest camper in the state on the way up and literally in tears on the way home!!!

Yep we are all normal and lucky to have each other. No one in my family gets the pain issue or the needing help issue. that is the most frustrating for me.

Keep posting, we are all here.
judy