Tonight's (semi) Funny!

[Pattipoo]

Where to Live in Retirement:

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature.'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where..
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'Y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob,Patti Poo, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people and all you see is a finger.

 

[Skeet]

Thanks for the laugh. Or you could live in Oregon where:
1. we get very, very happy when the early morning weather forecast includes the term “sun breaks.”
2. there are coffee stands on every corner and if you order coffee, black, they look at you like you're on drugs
3. you know it's winter because folks wear parkas with their birkenstocks, socks, and shorts
4. you go to work and return home in the dark in the winter, even though you only work an eight-hour shift.
5. you believe people who use umbrellas are wimps or Californians, or both.
6. you take a half day every July 1 to find your sunglasses and sunscreen

Skeet

 

[Josephine]

Oh my! I so love those lists! I end up having to keep place with a finger because I can't see for tears in my eyes every other line!!

Thanks guys!

 

[Pattipoo]

UNDER THE INFLUENCE

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender, says 'You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy.'
Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'.

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
'What the....' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. 'Damn!' he
says. He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door
and get some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his
head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and
takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

'I'm soused,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and
decides to try for it. He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door
frame, opens the door and looks inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No flippin' way.' But he somehow
crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, 'I think I can make it
to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again.
He says, 'This is hell. I gotta stop drinking,' but manages to crawl to the
bed and fall in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee
and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a wee bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was totally snockered. But how'd you know?'

'Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

 

[kath]

Pattipoo, ever see the clip from the Fruitcake Lady? Google Fruitcake Lady if not and watch her interview. I think you will get a kick out of it.
Thanks for the continued laughs. You are the best!

 

[Josephine]

I watched that - was funny but then I saw this ...

https://www.dorks.com/videos/Best-Dancing-Dog-Ever.html

 

[Pattipoo]

i loved that!!!

 

[kath]

I have to check out Josephine's clip now. Can't wait.

 

[kath]

Oh my goodness, that dog dance is adorable, I love it

 

[Josephine]

Cause with Cruft's in the offing, there is a big brouhaha's about it as the purists think it is demeaning the spirit of the competition!!

 

[Pattipoo]

Okay....we're all adults here ('cept Gat) and we've discussed parts of our anatomy....this little story has an anatomy (or two) in it....forgive me and read it...then smile!



A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't
sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman
to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. > >
> > 'Yeah right!' she says. > > > > A few minutes after going
to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to
sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red
ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog
stops snoring! The woman is amazed. > > Later that night, her husband
returns home drunk from being out drinking wit h his buddies. He climbs int o
bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon
might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue rib
bon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on
him! The woman sleeps soundly. > > > > In the morning, the husband
wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in
front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached
to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he
sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. > > > > He
shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, > > > > 'I don't
know where we were .. or what we did .. but, by Golly, we took first and second
place.'

 

[Josephine]

Today's email from a friend!!

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) It's Mum's way or the Highway!!
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wearcoloured underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like water... hot or cold.
4) Today's mighty oak is just proving something.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age can be brilliant if we apply what we have learned.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you think about what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You can't, and you don't know.
2) You learn, but you don't apply.
3) You realise life is a learning curve.
4) You find out what life is all about.


And finally ... (always keep the best till last!)

SUCCESS:

At age 2 success is . . . not wetting your pants.
At age 12 success is . .having loads of friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is ... having a good job.
At age 50 success is . .having a good job.
At age 70 success is . ..having a drivers licence!!!!
At age 75 success is . having loads of friends.
At age 80 success is . ..not wetting your pants!!!!

 

[Doug]

Patti,
I had a police friend of mine who threatened to tie a pink ribbon around mine when I just came out of the operating room. When I woke up, that was the first place I grabbed. Unfortunately, I had a catheter...Can't pull that sucker!!!
Josephine,
They are all so very true.

 

[kath]

I love this list so true. My mom was a nurse and she had go down to the morgue (sp) and get a man's body ready for the funeral home to pick him up. A bunch of crazy nurses went down before her (oh forgot to mention, it was her first job after becoming a nurse, she was very young and this was in the early 50's) anyway she went down and pulled the sheet back off of the poor chap and there at attention he was decked in a big red bow! I forgot about this crazy story until Pattipoo here told this joke and then Doug your story. Of course the nurses were hiding and just rolled laughing at the look on my mom's devasted face!

 

[Josephine]

On occasion, if one of our male colleagues was on the table, we would so adorn his male 'member'! Of course, as the manager, I'd know NOTHING about it!!

 

[kath]

ha ha, you know my mom wanted me to become a nurse, instead I went for the crazy restaurant business, boy the fun I missed.

 

[Nursepair]

Loved the funnies!!! We used Gentian violet on our friend when he had a vasectomy under general!! And he had to have it done twice, he had 3 vas deferens (spelling?)
When my hubby had surgery on a twisted (owww...) testicle, our friends came in to hospital to visit him with 3 helium balloons, one long pink one, one round pink one and one black round one. That was before latex balloons were banned .

 

[Nursepair]

Kath, yep you certainly missed out on a lot of fun, mind you we only had fun when there were no other patients around, usually weekends. Actually it was in theatre (the O.R.)when my husband (before we went out) and his friend (both thater technicians at the time) renamed me Nurse Pair. My badge, just above my left boob said Nurse Bunch (my maiden name), but they thought they looked more like a pair than a bunch.....

 

[Josephine]

Loved the funnies!!! We used Gentian violet on our friend when he had a vasectomy under general!! And he had to have it done twice, he had 3 vas deferens (spelling?)

Wow! some fertile chappie!!

We (that's my staff, of course, NOT me!!) had a propensity of dunking the registrars (consultants in training) in a tub of water generally laced with Gentian Violet on their last day. Apparently their wives were generally NOT impressed with the result!

We always referred to them as "tortured" testicles! (Proper term 'torsion'.)

You crossing you legs yet, guys? [/FONT]

Kath, yep you certainly missed out on a lot of fun, mind you we only had fun when there were no other patients around, usually weekends. Actually it was in theatre (the O.R.)when my husband (before we went out) and his friend (both thater technicians at the time) renamed me Nurse Pair. My badge, just above my left boob said Nurse Bunch (my maiden name), but they thought they looked more like a pair than a bunch.....

Like that!

 

[Nursepair]

Awwww, Josephine, gentian violet, that is cruel!! That stains really bad. The technicians always dunked the new student nurses in a sink of water in TSSU, but they always warned us to bring clean underwear for after and then stood us in front of the instrument dryer, and brought us a dry dress to change into. (Actually, Kevin put warm water in mine as he was going to ask me out after!!) How was that for a "chat up" line?