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AlaskanTKR

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Jun 2, 2008
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Palmer, Alaska
OK - Not sure if you guys can help but I am totally frustrated and not quite sure who to talk with - Gentlemen - Apologies ahead of time for husband bashing - but......
OK - So My other half came home from work - We worked together on installing laminate flooring (No kneeling - sitting and ripping staples out, pulling molding, etc - He did majority of the installing) for the first few days of his home time (1 week). Monday night we took the dogs for a "short walk" down the river. He just doesn't get it. He kept walking and walking - we usually take a dog, go straight down to the river and let my kiddo and the dog play - but nnnnooooooooo - He decided to walk and walk. I should have just sat down and waited but I didn't want him to be disappointed. So I kept walking (big rocks, etc. - NOT FUN) He even had us cross a very shallow stream - slippery rocks - I was about ready to kill him. Finally I just told him I was going back. By the time I got to the car my knee was huge and I was just about in tears. He just doesn't get it. We have talked about all this and he was able to take a week of leave from work to handle our 9 year old during the first 10 days - He will then go back up to work for 2 weeks. B4 we found out about the TKR he and my 9 yearold were going up to where he grew up. I thought maybe he would bounce that to Labor Day so he could come home and help out again. NO - He is still planning to go - I will be 3 weeks out and we have 3 large dogs with large poop that gets picked up daily (NO WALKS _ FENCED YARD !!!). Let alone everything else. We live about 50 miles from the OS and it is a drive on a highway at 65mph (summertime - to keep up with traffic it can often be 75-80). I would like to smash him. I tried to explain that this is different from all the scopes and I probably wouldn't be partying at 3 days. I love him and know he loves me but he is being a real butt-head. His theory is "you'll be fine - you always are -you're tough". Is this what I get for always sucking up and "being tough". Up here I don't have a choice. Life goes on and often there is no one to turn to for help. So you do it and pay the price later. Funny thing is if he gets a headache you would think the world was ending.

In the end it isn't about the river walk - its about when the tkr is over and I get back to the house. I don't think he gets it. I won't be able to do most of all I do to keep the kid, the dogs and the husband smiling. From what I gather I will need time to rest and work the knee. I will need to be back at work in 4 weeks so I have to focus. He will be here for 10 days including the day of the tkr - then I am on my own. I think my 9 year old will be a great help - she is a super kiddo. But ..... I almost wonder if it would be better if he just went back up to work. UGHHHHHH OR - will he at some point get that this is a bit more than a scope and in the end it will be worth it.

Suggestions (No time for marriage counseling) - Ideas - He is 3 years younger than me and in all honesty due to the fact he works away and I am very independent he is used to me always taking care of everything. I know I will probably do great and bounce back quick - but seriously -I just don't think he gets it.

Thanks again -
Marianne
 
My sympathies, Marianne...it sounds like you've got a lot going on right now!

One suggestion that came to my mind is to get him to sit down and watch that movie that shows in graphic detail a TKR. Someone posted that link just a couple of days ago, but I don't remember which thread it was in.

Maybe that will help him to understand the seriousness of this surgery, and help lead him to conclude that you may not be bouncing back at the same rate as from the scopes.

And would it help him to talk to the OS or someone at their office?

Hang in there....we're pulling for you! and I'm sure someone else here will have more and better suggestions!

Weezy
 
Both good suggestions there, Weezy!

Marianne, I could bash him for you! My blood pressure has just gone up at least four points!

But another thought - men are not good at coping and he may be in denial. Perhaps he doubts his ability to cope so if he ignores it, it won't happen. I also think you have got to be a LOT more stubborn and stop trying to keep up with him. For instance, you shouldn't have gone on the walk with him from the start. Begin now - be stubborn and refuse to do anything you don't really have to.
Tell him outright that you need him at home and his sentimental visit will have to wait. He has to get used to the fact that you are going to be dependent on him for sometime. It's going to take a grim determination on your part to ignore the place getting untidy and the washing up (or whatever) needing to be done.

Get the picture?

Good luck with your mission!
 
Marianne,
I feel your pain (emotional) I came home from having right hip replacement surgery yesterday, my hubby is off to work just now. I will refuse to get dressed though, it makes them feel you are back to normal. I have 4 kids and always said when they were younger I had 4 kids and a teenager. I too did everything.
I think I spoiled them all.
I told the 3at home and my husband that I really needed the house cleaned up and the floor decluttered. Embarrasament when the nurse and pt came. He put away all the things I had out at a reachaable level (my regular meds, my pj's etc)
The floor in the kitchen and living room are filthy. The main bathroom upstairs is gross. They went through 4 rolls of tp and the empty's are all over the floor.
Embarrasing and safety issues.
I haave gone on strike before, marraige counceling, talking to the kids even almost ran away.
Sorry about all this whinning!!!!!

I would say to get as prepared as you can, I am not sure about house preparations for knees. A neighbor kid to help with the dogs? Do a lot of sitting now if your husband is around. Let him see some of what you will be like when you get back.
How about a brace or led weight around his knee without any range of motion for 24hours.
Cry a little or a lot now!!!
My husband is the same way when he has a cold or an ache. One Christmas Eve as I was xhaustedly stuffing stockings, he told me he thought he was having a heart attack. I told him I would see him in the morning!!!!! He drove himself to the emergency room (heartburn)
I am sure rooting for you.

I remember reading about the dogs and coming home. My dog although mall must think I am truly his mother. When I go away even overnite he goes absolutely crazy when I return. I had a plan to sit in the car with a pillow on my hip and have my husband have him on a leash. Well he came outside very excited (probably just to be outside as I am the only one who walks him) he came very gently to me and curled up in my lap. Same when I went into the house. He has been great.
Vent any time you need to to me
Judy in Ca.
by the way my oldest (22) is leaving to climb Mt McKinley tomorrow, he is in the army in Alaska
 
Weezy, Josephine and Judy,

You are a wonderful community of support! Thank you for validating my concerns. Sometimes I think I am weak or something. I really like the thought of the bashing! Fortunately for him he is up at work for 2 weeks and phone conversations can be short. I am heading out for a week to be with my family for a wedding - Dad (2 BAD knees) and I will spend quality time vegging and talking. Time difference will make phone calls with the spouse challenging :) Probably a good thing. My daughter is great - 9 years - She made a list of "responsibilites". I worked with her and we typed it up. She is going east with me - then I am flying back alone. She won't be back here until my Pre-op APT so we worked onthat this am. She is just super - even if she only does 1/2 of the stuff on her list the place should be in good shape. We are making one for DAD tomorrow morning!
When we talked about all this this past week when he got home I asked him if he really understood what they do. He said - yes. Asked if he wanted to look at a video or some pics on the net (he loves the computer) - Nope I already know. With his schedule he is due home 6/25 and we leave to go on a family (my family) cruise (Dad's 80th B'day) on 6/28 - back to AK on 7/7 - My family leaves 7/10 and pre-op is 7/11. Asked if he wanted to go pre-op w/me and he pretty much said he would rather not - he will watch our 9 year old (who always comes with me - she just finished seeing another dr in the practice when she broke her wrist - she thinks these guys are AWESOME!) UGHGHHHH.

Josephine - maybe the denial thing could be his problem. I had my gall bladder out a few years back and he ended up at my neighbor's all upset - she was so floored she called me as soon as I got home. (I had to stay one night due to the distance to the hospital - just an in case thing - was out the next am!) back to work in 5 days (Had Thanksgiving break!). And come to think of it he was asking how long I was gone this past fall on a school conference (2 nights) - he brought in my neice to help with my kiddo - Funny thing is my kiddo is super easy. Boy is he in trouble - My neighbor will be gone, his neice is working and my sister-in-law - whom he always counts on is closer to the hospital than we are- plus she just had a baby. mmmmmmm

Judy - First of all I hope all is going well with your recovery. Relax and take it easy. You made it through!
You and I must be soul mates or something - I always say I have 2 kids and 3 dogs. I only have one real kiddo and then I think I must have married Peter Pan. The clutter will kill me. We just spent this week Cleaning up downstairs with the new flooring we reorganized and got a lot accomplished. I can let a lot of things go but sweeping and mopping (Swifter type) is a must with 3 dogs - otherwise you feel like you are eating hair. Unfortunately he isn't here (maybe that's fortunate) for me to sit around. I had to start the lawnmower b4 he actually came out and mowed last week. I am having the neighbor kiddo do it this week. The dogs should be fine. We have worked that out and they do not have full run of the house - only downstairs and they also have crates. I just wish he could get it through his head I won't be doing laundry the night I get home or picking up "poop" or loading the dishwasher. Forget about cooking. He is on his own!

OK - enough whining from me! Thank you for all your support and listening. I already feel better. I can let lots pile up - I am not a true neat fanatic I just like it clean. - at least where people can see. I am off to start picking up our bedroom - when he is home it is useless. I am going to get it all straightened out b4 we leave! Thank goodness teachers get summers off!

Marianne
 
Marianne,
I am a teacher also. Although a long story and fired while out on medical leave.
I agree, I am not a neat freak, but my family is ridiculous. The nurse was coming today and I asked my 19 year old daughter to make a seat available on the couch next to me.
Of course she didn't.
At times during my last 2 years on strike, I have almost caved in and started doing everythig again.....but fortunately I did not give in.
My problem now is that they just don't care!!!

After I looked at the kids bathroom last night I asked my daughter if she has ever gone to a friend's house and seen 4 empty tp rolls on the floor with a trash can in the middle of them. Her reply was yes!!!!!!
You have all my support here.
Judy
 
Marianne. The other ladies have given you good direction. Show him the video. My OS had a class pre-op so everyone could ask the questions and hear the scoop. My husband went with me. Do you have one of those scheduled? And jo is right. Stop now! All I could think as I kept reading your post was , Why did she even go? I don't mean to hurt or be offensive, but Marianne, your broken remember. Consider it part of your treatment and therapy. Stop now and start preparing for what is to come, like an expectant mother nests.
That said. i would venture to guess that many people have some sort of emotional crisis attack just before a major surgery. Mine was when my husband's brother called and they started scheduling a visit to be while I was supposed to be in rehab. In-law and female friend "dejour" were going to come and see me in all my low point, drugged up glory, and during my birthday to boot. I was so not good with anyone coming to see me in any hospital setting with tubes and puke and urine, never mind some woman I didn't really know. Insert my hissy fit here. Needless to say, family visit was postponed and all is well. but that was my pre-op emotional fit. It's OK and will be.
 
Jenn, You only had one hissy fit, emotional breakdown prior to surgery? I lost count!

My husband is quite different. Though usually most understanding, he does get upset sometimes when I ask for something, like when is it ever going to end upset. I tried to be more prepared this time around so that I would have all the nitnoid things in a bag next to the recliner and I wouldn't be asking for the fingernail file, a pen and paper, a book, hand lotion, chap stick and the list goes on.... He is very paranoid about the house being spotless and while I like a clean house, I'm okay if something is out of place. When the nurse and therpaist were scheduled today, he ran around mopping and sweeping floors, doing the dishes and making sure everything was put away. He's somewhat obsesive about this and drives me nuts. Oh well, I guess this is better then the alternative that many of you seem to be facing. Karen
 
You all are wonderful! I know I should not have even thought about going with him on that walk - but it was a beautiful pm and my 9 year old really wanted some "family" time as she puts it! I caved. I won't again. I am still paying for it. No classes up here. The OS is so laid back he has told me not to worry about anything. I called and asked a few questions (anal compulsive teacher - need to be totally prepared) and they were great - called me back - but again they are like - everything will be fine, etc... They are a great practice and I have total faith in them. The hospital is a great facility and again - I have had my baby, 4 knee scopes and a gall bladder there (Practice is actually in the medical building attached). I have seen the otehr local facilities and they don't even begin to measure up. I have already talked to my kiddo and told her they will only come for a short visit the first night to drop off my stuff and then they neeed to go to a movie - I want her to be ok with all. Told her she will be able to call, but she doesn't need to come with Dad if he stops by the 2nd day. Hopefully by the third I will be home and she can hang with me then! No other visitors for me hopefully. Sister-inlaw said she would - I said no way -new baby does not need germ exposure. Will make a daily packet for my Jessi - when my mom had her hysterectomy eons ago they did that so I wouldn't be upset - I still remember the neat things they put together for me. Just need to other half to come around. Hopefully he will. I adore him but he is scaring me. He called a while ago - (He calls 2x a day when I am not working to say "HI" - Lunch and then after work) I asked him to make sure his leave was approved since it is last minute and attached to the first week he was already taking off - Oh- I guess I should do that - was his response.

I have a thought - When he gets home in 2 weeks I will leave the computer on this page and tell him to READ!!!!! Whatya think - would I end up in divorce court????? Just joking -

THANKS Again for all your moral support and letting me know its ok to have an emotional moment - I really wasn't expecting to be doing this this sumer - at the most I thought we would have to do the syn. inj adn maybe a partial next summer- But he said its too late for the partial and he wouldn't go with the injections - the knee is way too far gone. He just kept asking why I waited so long to come back in and see him. I really like this guy. He is really about the quality of life!

And I really really think you are all neat people- thanks for reading and responding - I don't know anyone first hand who has dealt with this. You are wonderful! (OS in NY won't do dad's knees - he has no pain, but can't really walk well. Go figure he's gonna be 80 and I am 42 - I am going to give him a piece of my mind next week when I see him!)

Marianne

(Judy - I would love to know how theycould fire you over medical leave - ughhh some district are truly just UGLY!)
 
9 year old child looking for family time is a killer every time. It's like puppy dog eyes and batting eyelashes.
 
Marianne,
You made me remember back when I paged my husband to tell him to come home as I was in labor. He told me ok, I have one more sales call then I'll come home!!!!!
Very laid back. I am getting more like that but it is due to drugs (all prescriptions)
Judy
 
Well, here's mine. 2nd day post op, hubby is telling me about how well people he knows at work are doing with their new knees. All men. While I'm glad they are fine and back at work. What irks me is him telling me about weaning off of pain meds 12 hours after surgery to enable me to do PT. I became rather hostile when he said that. Before I got out of hosp he wanted to know if I could get in the truck to go home. This is after he as seen me struggling to sit up in bed on my own. It makes me want to knock him in the head and ask him what happened to his brain. It amazes me that his is the same man who supervises an entire maintance shop for Virginia dept of transportation. I know hes not stupid but what the h is wrong with him. So we get home I get in the house and decided that I need to put the ted hose on my surgical leg. NO they didn't do it in the hospital. Someone put one on my R leg. I 'm trying to show him how to do it so that it will be easier to put on but NO he gets aggravated and puts it on the hard way then is upset because it is hard to get on. WEll DUH!
 
Bumleg-
I am sooooo sorry. I think it may be the whole "man" thing. (No offense to those wonderful guys who really do exist - somewhere). Right now mine is in the - don't worry about anything mode - but I know that when push comes to pull he will probably turn into a total butt-head (past experiences). After thinking about things this past week I have already decided that he should just drop me off and leave allthe important info with the nurses. He sucks at waiting - anyway. Then he will have to swing by later in the pm to drop my stuff off. I have told him to plan to do that on the way to a movie with our little one. I figure the second day he should not worry about me - just take care of the kiddo and maybe swing byif I need anything (we live an hour out of town). Then we can play it by ear, but no way I want him just sitting around - it will drive him nuts and push me over the edge. I am good at doing things on my own so this may work out best for the both of us. That way when I get back home he will not be "worn out". (AHAHAHA) Then again - I could always change my mind (smiles)

Not sure - but that's what my plan is at this moment. This is when I wish my sister was a bit closer - even though she gives me a lot of **** sometimes.!

Marianne
 
Bumleg, I'm glad to see you back. This recovery is not hard on everyone, including the caregiver. You husband has gone from having a mostly totally capable wife to one that needs lots and lots of care. No one knows how much of an imposition that is until you are put in this situation. Try to give him a little slack until he adjusts and hopefully he will do the same for you. All I can say, as the one needing the care, is to remember to always say thank you and please. I think it's important to tell him how much you appreciate all of his help in taking care of you. By doing this, hopefully he'll see that his help is appreciated and he'll lighten up a little with some of his responses and actions.

I know how you feel. Just try to be patient. Karen
 
Bumleg

I have the whole clueless family, my kids are still calling and asking for rides home . They always call me. Friday I had my 2 week apt with my surgeon. My 13 year old had asked me to bring her to the mall!!!! Then she said, rather sarcastically, So you can go to your doctor's and walk around , but you can't bring me to the mall and shop!!!!!
My husband has been helping a lot for him, but still clueless. He told me he would take time off when I got home. The first day he left at 1pm. The second at 11, then he was back to normal hours with his bike ride after work.

Marianne,
I told my husband the same thing. Come in and take my clothes away, then leave. I also told him to go to work on weekdays as I would need him at home. He sat in my waiting room with his eyes on his blackberry the whole time. I didn't really have any time to wait without someone in the room, I kept looking at him and telling him to leave. When my surgeon walked in, their were 3 other people in the room, Jeff had his head in his blackberry , ignoring all. I almost threw something at him to introduce him to my doc.

Oh well, what he does still helps me alot, I should not complain, just relate stories!!!!
Judy
 
Judy - you aren't complaining - just venting and if we didn't vent we would explode - or even worse - implode. And thank you ! It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone. I love my other half - but I am the one who handles everything (control issues) so when I am laid up he can't cope and withdraws. Fortunately he doesn't have a blackberry - but he would just close his eyes and fall asleep. When I was in labor he slept right up until the pushing when I threw something at him to wake him up to get the nurse (I too was able to sleep a bit - great epidural). My last scope he ran to get some coffe and then I was gone (the coffe at the hospital wasn't good enough so he went ot the local starbucks!) No kiss - nothing - OH well - no problem - I think the nurses felt a little bad - but I didn't. Just how life is. He is gone 2of 3 weeks so I am used to doing things alone! Don't know what to say about that 13 year old. UGHHHHH kids. Their time will come!

Hang in there!
Marianne
 
Marianne,
My husband is the same way about coffee. There is a starbucks across the street from the hospital. That's where he was last summer when my spine surgeon was looking for him!!!!
Judy
 
Hey guys, I am so sorry for all of you who have unsympathetic, or maybe just incapable of understanding what you will be or have gone through with this surgery. Actually, I thought I would recover at the same rate from my RTKR as I did when I Had my meniscus operations, DUH!!!!

Hopefully, when they see the size and colour of your leg after surgery they will understand better.

If I hadn't had such an understanding and caring hubby I would have had a hard time getting through this. He is still understanding about my addiction to the Percs and is really helping me through the withdrawal symptons I am still having when I am late taking my quarter of a pill. He also understood why I was on this forum so much after surgery, I needed all the advice and just being able to vent and cry online with all the good friends I have made here.

So I am really hoping your guys will support you as much as they are able. Good luck! Sue
 
Sue -
I keep hoping my other half will be everything I need - but.... I think you hit it on the head when you compared mensicus surgery to this (well .. not compared but...) Anyway - I think he may have a feeling that this to will be a walk in the park. Hopefully you are right and in the end he will pleasantly surprise me - That would be totally neat :)

Marianne
 
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