Post-Surgery Relationship Issues

[Sue]

OK, I have been pretty vocal about my husband and his general cluelessness when it comes to my health. I hate to keep bringing this up, but it continues to be an issue. And I need to be able to discuss it.

Since I came home from the hospital about a month ago, I've been staying in the guest room. I'm so glad we have one! I'm still having trouble sleeping sometimes. It's getting better. I am very grateful that I now have several different positions I can sleep in. But I still don't have totally uninterrupted sleep (I'm usually awake for a while every time I need to switch sleeping positions), and I often wake up very early in the morning, before anyone else in my home is up.

We have frisky little dogs who need attention from whoever is up first. And, frankly, sometimes when I wake up early, I don't really have the wherewithal to deal with them right away. So I'll wake up at 6:30 a.m. or so, and I'll stay up in the guest room, doing my physical therapy exercises and a little meditation, before I head downstairs to let the dogs outside and feed them.

My husband is complaining that I should come back to sleep in our bedroom. I would be happy to do so, except that I know he would get really cranky with my morning activities. Before my surgery, if I woke up before him, I'd pop right out of bed and go downstairs and deal with the dogs and put the coffee on, so he could sleep in a while longer. I've tried explaining this to him, but he's convinced that I no longer want to sleep with him and that I'm going to want "my own room" from now on. He says my words and my actions aren't consistent.

At this point, I am tempted to go back to sleeping in our room and then just bother the hell out of him as I wake up throughout the night and when I'm doing my exercises in the morning, just so he can understand what I go through. I might as well--he's upset, anyway!

Josephine...have you got any words for me? I'd appreciate any kind ones right about now.

 

[Josephine]

Aaawww, bless you, honey! You don't need that kind of negativity and harassment right now. Men can be selfish brutes, can't they!

I would be tempted to say, yes do go back in with him and let him be disturbed except that I can envision you ending up sitting up tight and still in the night, suffering rather than disturb him because you know he grumble and complain even more.

Isn't there another family member he would listen to? Maybe another man who would put your side of things to him? Or even your GP? Long shots I know but seems to me you really need someone in your corner.

I'd even speak to him if it would help!! Seriously!

You seem to have worked out some stuff that makes life tolerable for you. His selfishness probably stems from his feeling lonely and excluded but he should be man enough to deal with that for your sake.

 

[Sue]

Thank you for your kind words, Josephine. I did try to sleep in our room last night, but I only made it until about 2 a.m. I kept waking up and having to move around and I finally could not get back to sleep, so I left and went back to the guest room, where I could sit up for a while and read with the light on without disturbing anyone. My husband said, "Thank you for trying."

Then this morning he deliberately picked a fight, on a different topic, with me before he headed off to work.

I do think that a big part of what is going on with him is that he really thought I was just going to "breeze" through this surgery and recovery, and he's worried because it has turned out to be a lot more serious than he anticipated. But instead of saying how he feels, he gets all self-righteous and judgmental and has this strong need to be right. Men! (It doesn't help that I am strong-willed myself...)

I am just going to keep doing what works for me. Right now, that includes very frequently removing myself from whatever is going on in my house (I have teens, so there is always something happening) and going to the guest room to elevate and ice my knee.

Also I started going to outpatient physical therapy recently and it is much more challenging than the in-home PT I had for several weeks after surgery. So in order to do my best, I am also working out in the local city pool on the days that I don't have formal PT appointments.

And I have taken up meditation again after years of "forgetting" to do it. It is really helpful to take a little quiet time once or twice a day, with no agenda or specific things to think about. I just concentrate on my breathing and it is amazing how quickly 15 minutes passes by and how calm and pain-free I feel afterwards.

Thank you, again, Josephine for helping me. This discussion forum has really saved my sanity during this process. Just knowing that I have someplace I can go and be understood helps so much!

 

[Sue]

Oh, I forgot to respond to your suggestion that my husband talk to somebody about his expectations for my recovery...I cannot get him to talk to anybody about anything. I have been through similar things with him in the past. For instance, we have a child who has Asperger Syndrome (a mild form of autism), and for years my husband was in total denial about that and wouldn't learn anything about it. He is like that about anything that he doesn't want to be real.

 

[Josephine]

Yeap! That sounds familiar! I have a BIL who is just the same! How my sister puts up with him I shall never know but they have made it through to their Golden Wedding a couple of years ago. Mind I take a fair bit of ear bashing in the process though I have to be careful what I say - she reads this forum from time to time!!

The pool sounds a great idea. How very clever of you. And the meditation.

I have practiced it in my time though I call it self-hypnosis. It's amazing how relaxed you can get. Though I had a bit of a surprise one time. I was able to get into such a deep trance that I would become unaware of the bed I was lying on or even my body. It was wonderful. Until my cat decided he wanted to come onto my lap for a cuddle! The sudden change from total relaxation to jumping with surprise was, to put it mildly, excruciating! My stomach ached for a couple of days! After that, I was always careful to shut them out of the room when I meditated!

 

[Sue]

Just wanted to update you on how things are going, Josephine. I did move back into the master bedroom a week ago, and my husband is happier. I think he just "awfulizes" things in his mind sometimes--he seems to think a temporary situation is going to last forever. I got a little book light so if I get woken up by pain and need to sit up for a while before I can go back to sleep, I can read without waking him. A few times, I've gone back to the guest room to sleep if I was really restless. I'm also getting more able to get up and deal with stuff in the morning, such as letting the dogs out and feeding them. In fact I can just do more stuff overall each week.

I am walking a lot closer to normally these days, and I can even go up and down the stairs one foot in front of the other again. I am still having to be careful to remember to elevate and ice my knee several times throughout the day. If I don't, I end up getting increased swelling and pain that takes a few days to get back to normal. It's the old ounce-of-prevention thing.

I am still not completely out of the woods when it comes to pain. I decided to talk to my regular MD about this because my surgeon is the "I'm not in the business of pain management" guy. I have other sources of arthritic pain besides my knee, so maybe I just need to get on some sort of medication for chronic arthritis pain that can be taken long-term. I have several older friends who take something called Ultram, which apparently isn't as strong as narcotics but is more effective than over-the-counter medications. What do you know about that one?

 

[Josephine]

You have certainly come on in leaps and bounds (if you'll pardon the expression!!) and I really, really admire you! Well done!!

As for the Ultram it is tramadol which is a synthetic narcotic (opioid). There is an information site here theta tells you more.