Joke Thread - Please Don't Post Comments

[Jamie]

Much like Patti's great idea for a scrapbook thread where we could go and only see photos with no postings in between, I thought I'd try a joke thread so that people who needed a good chuckle could come here and have as many jokes as they cared to read.

Please feel free to post a joke, but if you want to comment, I ask that you do it on a different thread.
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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

“I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”

The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.”

 

[klinger]

Bacon and egg in a frying pan sizzling away on the cooker....the egg turns around to the bacon and says "Hell its hot in hear isnt it!!!" and the bacon says " OH MY GOD...A TALKING EGG!!!!!" (Sorry mates this is the only clean joke I know).

 

[klinger]

A nother corny joke,sorry! Man walks into an army surplus store and says to the shop assistant "do you sell camouflage netting?".."Yes" was the reply.." in that case can I have 150 sq ft please?".."Certainly sir, but I,ll have to go to the storage room out back to get it, ok?"..."yes thats fine" says the customer. 5 hours later assistant comes back into the shop and says.."Sorry sir, I cant find it!"

 

[gatiger]

“Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.”

I've heard the same joke, but the punchline was, "Because male brains are so RARE."

 

[Nursepair]

OK I am going to post Tommy Cooper jokes now, Klinger and Jo will know who I mean. These are really silly jokes.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and getmarried. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive.

 

[Nursepair]

Found some more:

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

[klinger]

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A. How on earth do you manage to breath through THAT?!!

 

[gatiger]

As the husband walks into the house with his package from the liquor store the wife says, "Do you have any idea how much money you spend at the liquor store every week? With gas prices so high we cannot afford to waste money like this."

The husband says, "Well what about all that money you spend every week on makeup and getting your nails done and your hair done. What about all that money?"

The wife says, "I spend that money to look good for you so that I will be more attractive."

The husband says, "I'm doing the same thing."

The funeral was quite nice and well attented.

 

[referee54]

Two Women in Heaven
1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

[klinger]

Hello mates, heres a few old sayings with hopefully a comical twist.......

1. "I,d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!"

2. "You know.... I,d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!"

3. (Ham + Eggs)..."A days work for a chicken, life time commitment for a pig!"

4. "Hell hath no fury like the attorney representing a woman scorned!"

5.(Question for vegetarians) "If we,re not meant to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?"

6. "If a syncronised swimmer unfortunately drowns...do the others as well?"

7.(Late news headline) "Suicidal sister kills identical twin by mistake!"

 

[gatiger]

Maybe just for klinger:
1. When a psychiatrist treats someone with 'multi-personality' disorder do they charge 'group rates'?

2. If a deaf person goes to court is it still called a 'hearing'?

3. If a 'cook' cooks and a 'server' serves, what does a 'waiter' do?

4. Why does a drive-up ATM have characters in Braille?

5. The phrase, "This isn't brain surgery", is used to say a particular thing is not as complicated as it appears. What do brain surgeons say?

 

[klinger]

Very good Gat, made me chuckle!...heres one for you...

Man visits the Doctor and stands in front of him with a carrot up each nostril, a corndog in one ear and a snowcone in the other ear, tells the Doctor he isnt feeling very well....Doctor take one look and says....."I can tell whats wrong with you right away!!"...."your not eating properly!!!"

 

[klinger]

Hi folks...

Q. Whats the difference between your wife and your girlfriend?

A. About 40lbs usually!

 

[JenniferG]

Bad, bad, with all the knee replace women here!

 

[gatiger]

GREAT TRUTH OF THE DAY: Women marry men thinking "He'll change". Men marry women thinking "She won't change". Hince the dilemma.

 

[klinger]

"Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are chinese...Now there are 5 people in my family, so which one of us is it?...Its either my mum or my dad?..... it could be my older brother Dave?...or is it my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu?......"mmn"......"You know!".. "I think its Dave!"

 

[gatiger]

People say, "Let me give you my two cents worth".

People also say, " A penny for your thoughts".

Where does the other penny go?

 

[Jamie]

CAR THEFT

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried. The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard,” he says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94-year-old yells back, “I don't know. I'll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses, ‘'Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.”

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn't it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “It's Thursday.”
And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let's have a beer .”

LITTLE LADY

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.” ' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.’ He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I'll take the soup.”

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”
“Heck,” said Herman, “It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!”

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, dang! Am I driving?”

 

[JenniferG]

Q. What kind of animal do you never want to play cards with?

A. A cheetah.

 

[Nursepair]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."