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It's a "Hide Under the Pillow" Day

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petuniafish

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But I can't. Have to go to work in an hour. I called in sick last Thurs to go to a doctor 4 hours away. Was off Friday. Now I have to fake "my story" today of why I was "sick". Been off so much this year with surgeries on my knee I can't take a day off anymore- have to be "sick". And who wants to lose their job in this economic climate- I really need to keep my health insurance now.

Had a panic attack in the middle of the night last night. Woke up in a sweat with heart beating crazy fear. The idea of another 6 months waiting for surgery, slogging to work with quality of life totally sucking makes me sick. Have to wait because my knee is so cut up from all the surgeries this year and needs time to heal. May not even be able to HAVE surgery because of all my drug allergies. It's been like this for a year and a half. Got my hope up with each arthroscopy, and back down the slide again. How do you keep your spirits up? So many of you have MUCH worse than me.

Now headed to work in a little bit. Dread everyone asking as usual, "what did YOU do on this beautiful weekend?" Nothing? because this stupid knee hurts so badly that I don't want to aggravate it anymore? That quality of life has sunk so low I am constantly depressed and don't want to see or talk to anyone as life is work/ice/work/ice/work/ice. Anything else and it's off the edge of my pain threshold.

More whine. I know you've all been here, or here now. Sometimes I think I can't stand this anymore and better off dead- I come down off that pretty quick thinking of my kids. My poor husband who has been so supportive, bought me my dream car which is going to be delivered this week He's trying to cheer me up. I can't get whooped up about that or anything. No self talk is working. Should see a therapist, but all I do outside of work is do Dr and PT appts.

Want to curse in the worst way right now. I have acquaintances with much worse, liver cancer, malignant brain tumors etc. And I just have pain with walking and inability to do the things I want. Guilt on top of it all.

Forgive me for having a meltdown. Been whining every time I come here. Feel better just unloading and knowing that you are reading and understand perfectly. But ready to throw up. Aren't I being horrid?

Thanks once again......Nancy
 
Oh Nancy, my dear sweet lady! We all know exactly how you feel! I think of my sister and how she has struggled from one knee to another and now her hip. It's been almost 7 years of this kind of thing - unremitting and pernicious. Having watched her go through this, I know how it consumes your life, your consciousness and will to do anything. Not a lot else can be said except that we understand. But remember "this too shall pass",
 
Amen!!!
Jo you are so right! Even when it is hard to believe it.
It is true "this to shall pass" An d the one I live by "if HE brought you to it HE will bring you throught it"
^i^
 
Amen! Nancy! That is the pain talking! You have a wonderful husband and loving family,,,,,so many people don't even have that!
When you're soul is healed, the body will know the way! Think positive! You just have to know that things WILL get better! Someone ALWAYS has it worse! :)
 
Nancy I can relate totally to you.
One thought is maybe another surgeon will not think you have to wait do to the arthroscopies.
I too am at a pretty low point today. All the way down to the guilt I can relate.
I was pretty surprised my surgeon agreed to do my back surgery after I had 2 other major surgeries withing the past year and 2 arthroscopies. Maybe someone else will be ok helping you sooner.
That is what my prayers for you will be!!!

Oh and we are here whine anytime
Judy
 
Love and blessings sent to you Nancy.

Yes, I remember those feelings well. For the best part of 3 years I felt like that, I couldn't go out simply because I couldn't transition from standing to sitting or visa versa without tears, sometimes I would even get stuck halfway and couldn't move, so it took a terrible toll on my usual bubbly personality.

I can only encourage you to hang in there, it will get better, I can say now 15 months after a THR and now 12 weeks post op from a TKR I am starting to bubble again all over the place.

Come and whine any time. We all did/still do!!!

Chris :)
 
More hugs and understanding coming your way, Nancy!

Have you by any chance talked to your GP about antidepressants to help you through these extraordinary physical trials? One thing I discovered last year during my first recovery process was that sometimes we need some assistance to get through it all. I was fortunate that another member here told me to watch out for signs of depression, and to go talk to my doctor.

Even my GP said that some people need to have some antidepressants for a while to get through these difficult physical times. So I've been on them since last year and will stay on them until this recovery period is well past.

Hugs...

Weezy
 
Nancy I've not had a TKR - but I'm almost 15 weeks out from a THR and I can assure you that lots of us have been where you are now! And I can say (at least from a HR point of view) that there is light at the end of the tunnel! Just hang on and get through this (with your doctors help if need be) and you will look back on this period of your life as being a bit like a bad dream. Whinge away girl - that's what everyone is here for! :)

Peta
 
Yep,,, Plenty of cheese to go with that whine here,too!
 
Weezy,
When I had my MVA I was told that anitdepressants also help with dealing with pain.
So it would not hurt for you (Nancy) to talk to your MD about this. Pain is a terrible thing it has pretty much taken my life away, up to a year ago when I decided to start learning to live with the pain and not fight it. Pain steals your life. Makes you give up the things that you love to do.
^i^
 
Nancy, I've had 5 surgeries in the past 2 years and I've got #6, a hip replacement on the horizon and then will still have to deal with an ankle after all this. I am also in pain and frustrated but we both have to remember that we are not going to die from joint problems. Like you, I think of those around me that are much worse then me.

My husband has been layed off since last summer and I am the bread winner on top of it all. I fully understand how you are feeling but you have to know it will get better. You must know that! This is only temporary. Think of all the love and support you have around you from your husband and others. It'll get better Nancy! It really will. Karen
 
Hi Peta,,,::How are you today? Gee! I wish everyone would lighten up today! Its really been a Debbie Downer kind of a day!
I hope Nancy feeling better!
 
Yes it really has been a downer feeling of a day for me too. Now with Hop's news it just adds to it.
Judy
 
I agree Judy! But her heart couldn't have withstood the strain! At least they can repair it! She was just so set on it! G-d had other plans!
 
Thanks so much for all the kind support and thoughtful words. I have to get through this funk. It's been a bad 5 years trying to control a seizure disorder and keep my job, and now this *%#@! pain for the last two years. I know you've all been there, and being a nurse I see so many people all day long who are suffering so much more than I- and have suffered a lon long time. Makes me feel like a real wuss.

The thing is, I am starting to think it's possible it's not going to get any better. I am doubting I can have the surgery at all because of other problems, seizure stuff and auto-immune disorder. Think that's whats hitting me. And it's been a bad month. We were in a bad MVA (hit badly by a big SUV and our car totaled).

Don't you just get sick of people telling you at work, "you don't look good", "you look so tired", "what is going on with you- you look awful". I must look like the Wreck of the Hesperus. Does that happen to any of you.

Thanks for all your kind words of encouragement. This too shall pass and all that rot. New perspective will arise and transform. Thanks kindly everyone.
Love from nancy
PS. Can't take anti-depressants with seizure meds. Have tried EVERY one and have exacerbation of my seizures. :< But thanks for the encouragement.
 
Hi Peta,,,::How are you today?

Hi Judles! I'm actually doing really well - thanks for asking! :) Back pain has gone - thigh pain has lessened somewhat, and all is good in my world! I got told by one of my customers today, that I look 10 years younger since I had my HR - wonderful woman!!!!
So that has made my day.........! :)

Perhaps that's another thing to look forward to Nancy? I know I've had it said to me on at least 3 occasions since having my LTHR - imagine how much younger I should look after I have the right one done??? LOL

Peta
 
Nancy,,,,,,I know, hon that right now things suck! So things just HAVE to get better for you! You should have a good sit down with your doctor(s) & tell them all of this! Someone should be able to help you! NO ONE should be walking around like a basket case (NoT my implication!) But you need relief! And fast! I hope things work out for you soon!
 
Nancy
When I worked in Georgia in special ed we were a close bunch of women. Yes, I must have looked horrible. I had major marriage problems, the endocrine problems had just hit and I was battling Kaiser (health insurance HMO) daily. Gastro problems hit, high blood pressure, stress fractures on my heals. I think at least once per week I had to have some type of sedated procedure, became extrememly depressed.
Anyway I did have people telling me how bad I looked. But on the bright side i did have people.

I have been on antidepressants since that point until now. The neurologist wants me to simplify meds. I was going to ask her about antidepressants today.....but your comment tells me it is not too hopeful.

Don't give up hope there has to be a surgeon out there who can help you. What is your favorite thing to do? I need it to stop raining here so I can go to see the ocean. I sure am in no shape to hike my mountains.

Feel Better
Judy
 
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