THR Feeling isolated and very low

[PhilippaC]

I’m now starting week 5 post THR right side. In the first week I had lots of support, friends and family stayed over and I had visitors. That all mostly fell away after 2 weeks. Everyone I know either works or lives far away

I’m now struggling and finding it hard to stay buoyant. Small tasks are still a lot of effort and sometimes I feel a bit panicky and am crying quite a lot. My leg hurts if I walk on it without a stick and is still a bit swollen. I’m doing all the right things but am still very restricted and still not sleeping well …on my back and then tired during the day.
Before the op I was very independent and am finding this disability really really difficult as healing seems to be slow. With so much time on my hands and little ability to do things my mind begins to worry. I’m trying not to go there and tell myself all will be ok but still the worrying happens.

I’d like to hear how others who live alone are managing.

 

[JusticeRider]

Hi @PhilippaC Welcome to BoneSmart! I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. I too struggled with post op blues and they are rough. One thing I realized after a few surgeries was that I, a normally very independent person, get very lonely and needy after a surgery. I then tend to get hurt and angry at my friends and family for not checking in or visiting. So for this last surgery, I went out and bought a bright and cheerful calendar (the old school paper wall calendar kind) and called each of my friends and family who were close enough to visit. I scheduled days and times with everyone so I had a least one visit a week for a couple months on my calendar. I told everyone what I was doing and why so they would take it seriously and not flake. Then I put the calendar up on my bedroom wall where I could see it and look forward to the next visit. It turned out to be such a blessing! It really cheered me up and kept me from feeling so isolated. (My favorite visit was when two of my friends came and brought a box of pastries from the local bakery!) Maybe something to try?

 

[Merrimay]

@PhilippaC, my heart goes out to you, and my hat is off to you. You are not alone in experiencing the "postoperative existential crisis" that can really hit those who are recovering alone.

I had THR (left hip, posterior) on Oct 19, 2022. I was sent home about 3 hours after surgery. I was fortunate in that my sister came in from the midwest to help me care for my animals and with the chores I could not do by myself. I also had friends drop by with the customary casseroles and good wishes.

Things were proceeding well... until Day 10 when the support officially stopped.

Of course, it never occurred to me that my friends or family would stop their lives to care for me for a month. I expected to be alone on Day 10. And yet I wasn't emotionally prepared for the thoughts that postop blues can bring up for singles.

For me, what was triggered was not just worry over breaking protocol or dislocation or simply not being able to survive recovery on my own. Instead I spiralled into some hell-narrative about permanent disability -- and worse -- aging. If I fell, whose arms would help me get up? If I screamed, who would know? I chose not to remarry after my divorce, so I began thinking: maybe I should have hung in so my spouse would help me to the bathroom. I never wanted children, but maybe I should have bitten the bullet so they could clean my kitchen now.

Fortunately, I quickly got over that narcissistic thinking, but I still felt small in the universe and imprisoned in my home, unseen and terribly vulnerable. I'm outgoing and sociable and volunteer in my community. But now all I could see was a very old woman...forgotten and dying alone. It was terrifying, and I cried for two days and nights. How many weeks would pass until they found my body? Would my animals starve or... eat my corpse?????? I'm serious -- I thought these things.

Until I did what you've done. I posted on bonesmart about my depression and received sympathy and reassurance. I no longer felt alone. And if you keep reaching out to us, you may not either, I hope.

The bonesmarters' help provided me the clarity I needed to get practical on my own. For example, I made a list of what I might do in the future if I'm ever in a similar situation. (My other hip isn't great, and both knees have been bad since my fifties, so it's very possible I will experience this again.) I learned that as someone on Medicare and a Supplement, I might travel closer to my sister for surgery and go to a rehab center near her home if that's called for. It wouldn't involve all that travel for her, and it she wouldn't have to be on call 24/7. It would also provide me with proper postop care should I need it.

I'm not sure what your insurer will allow if you should find yourself overwhelmed again by being alone after surgery. But the fact is that it can be very overwhelming to recover from posterior thr alone, and you are going through a very common experience for many of us who are or have been in your situation. So PLEASE feel free to vent here. We get it! But do research rehab center possibilities should you ever need surgery again.

As for now, can you arrange for some at-home care? I'm not sure how you feel about admitting your feelings to your family or friends...but might they take turns dropping by for a bit each day for some help and cheering up?

One piece of helpful advice you'll get here for physical pain is "ice, ice, ice." I found that to ward off my postop existential angst as a single, I needed to "distract, distract, distract." I binge-watched comedies, talked long-distance with friends, and read. I even ordered flowers for myself and had them delivered!

My battery is running low, so I'll post this now and write another in a bit with some practical tips on doing tasks on your own. Take care!!!

 

[Merrimay]

Hi @PhilippaC !

Here are the assistive devices that made it possible for me to keep my house relatively tidy, my animals fed and "petted," and myself clean and less overwhelmed.

1. Grabbers! I bought one for every room. They allowed me to pick things up from the floor without breaking protocol. With practice, I was able to get pet food bowls to the floor and back up. I also used them to pull up my pants.

2. A long-handled brush for showering. Mine came with a pumice on one side so I could also keep my feet smooth.

3. A long handled sponge I used to lather me all over and layer apply lotion.

4. Two grab-bars to hold on to when in the shower. You can also get a shower seat.

5. Plastic shower shoes with solid tread to prevent slipping on the wet tiles.

6. Activity rehab poles. Like Nordic poles but with cane tips on the bottom. They gave me more stability and balance than a cane when I started walking on cement alone. I felt much less vulnerable to a fall because they also worked my shoulders, abs, and elbows.

Hope this helps. You'll get lots of good advice here! And remember: you're not really alone because you have bonesmart to reach out to! We care!

 

[Jammy]

Hi there,

I had a knee replacement, not hip. But I could relate to your post, and I am married. My hub is gone a lot and I am on my own like you are. I agree this recovery is super slow and it can get you down. It is tiresome! Several things I have done is, I signed up for BoneSmart, like you did. Yay! Be charitable. You can always go online here and try to cheer up other people who are not coping as well as you are. Your friends might be away but try calling them, on the phone, over the weekend, and just chat. Ask them about their lives because talking about your health problems can be a drag, even for yourself. You need some distraction from being overly anxious. If you like watching TV, there are tons of shows and movies out there nowadays (and I would hope in the UK as well). You can always browse on Amazon for something that interests you. Reading a good book will take you to a different world, probably a world without hip problems! Try to go outside for a walk if you can, even a short one. If you know an old person, visit them or call them. I visit my 90-year-old neighbor, and we eat a half a sandwich and talk about our medical stuff and laugh. She has had three or four husbands and the hours can get filled listening to the husband stories. Regarding being so sad, recovery is an emotional journey. It's okay to cry --you're alone, who cares! Eventually when you start feeling better you won't cry so much. You'll smile!

 

[AllieBucks]

I felt the exact same way at 5 weeks. Then, around 7 weeks my depression lifted. My surgeon saw me at 6 weeks and was so puzzled my dark mood. He smiled at me and said it was time to go live my life! I had been cooped up in my house not doing anything because I was afraid of hurting the implant. So the day after the appointment I changed my attitude and went shopping at my favorite store and started to feel a bit like me again!
It took about a week of doing something each day but then I was good. So plan something fun this weekend and know that the slow recovery will eventually end and you WILL get better!

 

[Layla]

Hello PhillipaC, Welcome to BoneSmart and recovery. We're happy you're here.
Please tell us the exact date of your surgery so we're able to add the information to your signature.

I am sorry you're feeling isolated and down. I understand this is cold comfort, but you're certainly not alone in feeling this way at this point of the healing process. Recovery is difficult with daily help or companionship and I am sure overwhelming when you're doing it solo. Since your friends and family that were there for you initially, but live a distance away and had to return to home and work, are you able to have regular phone conversations with them so you feel connected? If they're not checking in, try calling them, possibly they don't realize how isolated and lonely you're feeling.

While small tasks are temporarily difficult, try to view mastering them as a challenge, and I'll bet they become easier with each passing week. These small victories can be so encouraging.

My leg hurts if I walk on it without a stick and is still a bit swollen. I’m doing all the right things but am still very restricted and still not sleeping well …on my back and then tired during the day.

Pain and discomfort at only five weeks post op is common. Hopefully you're icing and elevating. If you're not please consider doing so per the instructions in the Recovery Guidelines under ICE and ELEVATE. It will help.
Also, take any meds you were prescribed on schedule, or OTC meds as needed if you've stopped the heavier narcotics. Sleep can be elusive early on so if you're not sleeping well at night, nap during the day if you're able. Your sleep will regulate soon.

With so much time on my hands and little ability to do things my mind begins to worry. I’m trying not to go there and tell myself all will be ok but still the worrying happens.

Staying busy and keeping your mind occupied is important if you're feeling this way. It will pass.
Think about activity you can engage in such as crossword puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, adult coloring books. Researching / planning a getaway for when you’re feeling better. Watch old movies, play online games, search up new recipes for your collection if you like to cook. Read a book, page through magazines. Call an old friend, catch up on emails, invite someone over for coffee and dessert. Arrange a lunch away from home with someone.

You’ll be engaging in life again soon. Progress is slow, but steady. Try to look at progress once a week only by choosing a day of the week, then on that same day each week, look back and you'll see that you are doing better. Brighter days are on the way! Stop by here for support whenever you're in need. We'll be here and we care.
Big hugs and best wishes!

 

[Layla]

HIP RECOVERY GUIDELINES

As you begin healing, please keep in mind that each recovery is unique. While the BoneSmart philosophy successfully works for many, there will be exceptions. Between the recommendations found here, your surgeon's recovery protocol and any physical therapy you may engage in, the key is to find what works best for you.

1. Don’t worry: Your body will heal all by itself. Relax, let it, don't try and hurry it, don’t worry about any symptoms now, they are almost certainly temporary.

2. Control discomfort:

rest​

elevate​

ice​

take your pain meds by prescription schedule (not when pain starts!)​

3. Do what you want to do BUT

a. If it hurts, don't do it and don't allow anyone - especially a physical therapist - to do it to you​

b. If your leg swells more or gets stiffer in the 24 hours after doing it, don't do it again.​

4. PT or exercise can be useful BUT take note of these

BoneSmart philosophy for sensible post op therapy​

5. At week 4 and after you should follow this

Activity progression for THRs​

The recovery articles
Pain management and the pain chart
Healing: how long does it take?
Chart representation of THR recovery
Dislocation risk and 90 degree rule
Energy drain for THRs
Pain and swelling control: elevation is the key
Post op blues is a reality - be prepared for it
Myth busting: on getting addicted to pain meds
Sleep deprivation is pretty much inevitable - but what causes it?

BIG TIP: Hips actually don't need any exercise to get better. They do a pretty good job of it all on their own if given half a chance. Trouble is, people don't give them a chance and end up with all sorts of aches and pains and sore spots. All they need is the best therapy which is walking and even then not to excess.

We try to keep the forum a positive and safe place for our members to talk about their questions or concerns and to report successes with their joint replacement surgery. While members may create as many threads as they like in a majority of BoneSmart's forums, we ask that each member have only one recovery thread. This policy makes it easier to go back and review history before providing advice.

 

[PhilippaC]

Wow!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. And thanks for all the advice and sharing- things already feels more manageable. I think I've been pushing the feelings of helplessness and despair down and they all have come up at once! I called my good friend and just had a good cry. I do usually take a lot of interest in my friends lives ...how they are rather than focusing on my own stuff. I've decided to have video calls with friends, as suggested. Unfortunately my daughter and granddaughter who do live nearby have both got Norovirus so can't come over and of course I can't get there to offer any support to them.

I had the same op on my left hip 5 years ago and it was so easy... I was walking really well and mostly pain free at 3 weeks , no sadness etc and I guess I was expecting the same this time. But of course no two ops are the same and I am a bit older. I think this has a lot to do with how I am feeling now.... expectations!!

Here in the UK we don't get offered any after care as we have the NHS, which does an excellent job but it's currently a very basic service and overstretched. So you are discharged and pretty much on your own. I have got a lovely cleaner coming once a week now which really makes a difference. I'm not the tidiest of people by any means but when things get too chaotic, as they do when you can't do basic chores I find that a bit stressful.

I have watched loads of movies and series on TV!! I have plenty of audio books and have been going out into my garden and walking a little bit around the neighbourhood. Yesterday I put on my make up and made myself look and feel nice. I am counting the days till I can get in my car and go somewhere.. I know that is going to make a huge difference. Also I'm going to do some writing and make a gratitude list every day.

Till 'the big escape' I'm seeing that I need to reach out a lot more and a lot more patience is required! And I'll get more active on this amazing site!

My surgery was on 31st January 2023.

 

[Mojo333]

@PhilippaC
back to the forum.

I love to see people share their struggles and you have just given some wonderful tips about how to keep things in perspective and work on keeping the Post Op blues at bay.
Love this list!

I have watched loads of movies and series on TV!! I have plenty of audio books and have been going out into my garden and walking a little bit around the neighbourhood

Yesterday I put on my make up and made myself look and feel nice.

Helps more than one would think.

Also I'm going to do some writing and make a gratitude list every day.

Till 'the big escape' I'm seeing that I need to reach out a lot more and a lot more patience is required

Yes, The Big Escape

Hope today is a Good Day.

 

[PhilippaC]

For me, what was triggered was not just worry over breaking protocol or dislocation or simply not being able to survive recovery on my own. Instead I spiralled into some hell-narrative about permanent disability -- and worse -- aging. If I fell, whose arms would help me get up? If I screamed, who would know? I chose not to remarry after my divorce, so I began thinking: maybe I should have hung in so my spouse would help me to the bathroom. I never wanted children, but maybe I should have bitten the bullet so they could clean my kitchen now.

Fortunately, I quickly got over that narcissistic thinking, but I still felt small in the universe and imprisoned in my home, unseen and terribly vulnerable. I'm outgoing and sociable and volunteer in my community. But now all I could see was a very old woman...forgotten and dying alone. It was terrifying, and I cried for two days and nights. How many weeks would pass until they found my body? Would my animals starve or... eat my corpse?????? I'm serious -- I thought these things.

You made me laugh Merrimay but I also felt your support. Thank you. Like you I am usually a very outgoing and supportive person. I laughed because I had some similar thoughts, especially about now being an old woman with a permanent disability! In my panic I even went online to look up retirement properties!! ....but I don't think my cat would eat me!!

How are you doing now? And what stage are you at in your recovery?

 

[myglasshalffull]

Welcome!
Merrimay has already given you great advice along with the other "hippies" here, I'll just add that everything you are feeling and going through is normal, I had crying jags over some of the dumbest things (when I look back).
If you are feeling down we are here, we all support one another.

 

[Gloucestergal65]

You’ve already received some good advice and taken steps yourself. I think we all go through it at some point and this forum has helped me a lot.

 

[PhilippaC]

Thanks for your support myglasshalffull. It has been really good to hear that my response is common and very normal!

 

[PhilippaC]

Thanks gloucestergal. It's really good to be getting support here. I'm so glad I reached out.

 

[Layla]

You made me laugh Merrimay but I also felt your support.

I have to agree, Philippa, your thread has become rather entertaining. Merrimay has quite the creative imagination, but I do know when we're feeling low it's easy to allow our minds to go to the bad place. It's encouraging to know you laughed and feel better engaging here. It does feel like the best medicine at times and I am not sure how my recovery would have been without the support, encouragement, reassurance and laughs I found here, so please stop back often.

I called my good friend and just had a good cry. I do usually take a lot of interest in my friends lives ...how they are rather than focusing on my own stuff. I've decided to have video calls with friends, as suggested.

Great you're doing this!

when things get too chaotic, as they do when you can't do basic chores I find that a bit stressful.

I had a good cry about this over the phone one day with my mom early on in my recovery, My husband did take good care of me and I was very thankful, but he's very messy and doesn't put anything away. The kitchen looked like a tornado blew through and I didn't have the energy to clean it. Thankfully my mom and sister came over and cleaned the entire kitchen and vacuumed, which made me feel so much better! I am happy to hear you have the cleaning lady and its also a little company for you on the day she comes. That human contact is important early on

Yesterday I put on my make up and made myself look and feel nice.

Yes! I don't mention this often, but it made me feel so much better to do the same. It's certainly not uplifting to catch a look of your pale face and bed head staring back at you from the bathroom mirror when you're feeling down. After four days I did get back into a routine of applying minimal make up and blow drying my hair to feel better. It worked!

I hope today feels brighter. Happy Thursday!

 

[Merrimay]

Hi @PhilippaC, wow, you're doing a great job distracting yourself! When the makeup goes back on, it's a statement: here I come, world!

Thank you for asking about my progress. I'm happy to report that I'm now at 14 weeks and doing well At 5 weeks, I was depressed, at 6 weeks I was angry because I'd heard that by then I'd be scaling the Matterhorn, and then at 7 weeks, a miracle happened-- my lack of energy and brain fog lifted. I began to take long walks with my dog and drive myself everywhere. The usual household chores were attended to effortlessly.

At some point, around week 9, I think, I developed demoralizing lower back pain at my nonoperative hip. Fortunately, an SI injection plus 6 weeks of dry needling and pressure point therapy wth some added exercises took care of that.

Today I can look back and realize what a blessing THR has been for me. I was truly disabled when I went into surgery, and now I am totally independent and mobile. Best of all, I live without pain now.. (Knock on wood. ) My main focus now is on Not Overdoing. If I do, and I do sometimes, I rest, ice, and elevate.

So I know you're a bit behind me on the road to recovery, but I can promise you that what you're experiencing is normal, and, from the sound of it, you're in better shape than I was at week 5! Bravo! Keep up the good work!

 

[PhilippaC]

Update

It was so helpful to be here and get your support at the beginning of week 5 when I had a really tough moment and a bit of a melt down. In fact I felt much better almost immediately to see that I was not alone.
Thanks you!

I'm now into week 6. Dressing has got a bit easier and I am able to walk around the house ok with one stick and occasionally with none. I go out everyday for a short walk, with two sticks..still not very far but I try to extend the length of it a bit every day. The hip area feels a bit tight and slightly achy if I move around too much. I've been able to sleep on the operated hip side without pain these last two nights.That has made a big difference. I didn't really sleep that well when I had to be on my back...like many others on here! And I'll no longer need to inject myself every night with the blood thinners. It was pain free but I didn't much like doing it!

Everyday things can still a bit of an effort but I make myself do them. Showering, laundry, dishes, a bit of cooking etc. It would be so easy to just go back to bed for the day!!! I do still have a nap after lunchtime, something I never did pre-op.

I don't think I can watch any more movies!!! I'm now just getting through the days until the end of this week when I will get 'the great escape' i.e. I'll be able to get back into my car and drive.YAY!! I have felt like a prisoner some of the time and I have had to put in a lot of mental effort to stay buoyant.

The things that helped were calling friends, making gratitude lists, asking people over and asking for bits of help and not letting my mind wander into 'catastrophic thinking'.

I'm wishing everyone a good recovery and remember to share if you are feeling grim, it does help a lot!

 

[Newhip_Pol]

Hi @PhilippaC,
I can confirm the sense of escape and freedom once you can get in the car and drive again. It's not that I use it everyday but just knowing that I can gives me a great sense of independence!
It sounds as if you doing well, I can sleep on the non-op side but still struggle on the operated side.
Best wishes.

 

[CricketHip]

Reading through your thread and loving the title of "The Great Escape" ! That's great.
Glad you are feeling a bit better and oh how I love seeing the support and stories that came from your post.

You are getting closer and closer to independence @PhilippaC