Thank you both. @jarabas
and I are in touch via pm now but for the benefit of others, I will add props for EMDR treatment for PTSD. Even just a couple sessions helped more than I can describe. "Startle response" is a term I had not heard and I am so glad you mentioned it because it was an issue before and is exaggerated terribly now.
- yes, when I needed help before, while living in Atlanta, "shopping" for the right therapist was a terribly difficult process. There is nothing like spilling your story to a stranger while you are at your low only to learn it is not a good fit...over and over again. Once I found this psychologist, I was so relieved. He does not have connections up here, but he told me what to look for based upon why he thinks I like him (clinical psychologist, EMDR practitioner, Ph.D. earned 20+ years ago (what he feels was a key component in his education is no longer emphasized in most programs)). I have not yet found anyone like that around here, but have not searched beyond those covered by my insurance yet. Just another thing on my long list to fall further behind on.
I am (perhaps too) biased against prescription and even OTC drugs - for sure I use them, but only after I have tried behavioral adjustments. I will try drinking water or resting my eyes first for a headache, for example, and I try to play with my diet and exercise when my depression gets bad. I am taking something for anxiety now so be assured I won't refuse, but I hope I don't need to be on something forever...
And yes, I am talking to EVERYONE I can. I have had issues with depression in the past, but I was very private about it. There is something about this that is making me sound the sirens and reach out in all directions, without a care as to whether the subject matter makes people uncomfortable. It frightens me how incapacitated I can become and I know if it happens when I am alone in public...I also have strong fears about long-term effects and how/who I might be after all is said and done. If it does not improve dramatically over how I am now, the rest of my life is going to be pretty rough.