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Complete honesty...petrified and feeling alone

tlfiore

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I always hesitate posting because I feel weak & ridiculous doing so. Herein lies my problem.

I have always been the "go to person" and the "person to lean on...the strong one" no matter what. Without boring everyone to tears and without getting into ancient details and family dynamics, I've always been the person who flies below the radar, remains out of the way, let's stuff happen and just plots through life. I do pride myself on being extremely independent and self-sufficient, as well as having a pretty generous and selfless spirit. My motto is, "Life happens, all is good, I'm blessed with what I have, everyone bears a cross."

So, yesterday during what was going to be a good presurgery "feel great" day with husband, my husband and I had a terrible wicked fight. Truthfully, we've had a turbulent marriage and I feel he's never truly been there for me during difficult times. I have one sister, who has backed away in recent years as I've become less useful to her and in her opinion "too toxic" (especially during my ongoing struggles with breast cancer).

I'm tired, friends. More than anything, I no longer want the job of being everyone's "rock" (not that I wanted it in the first place.

So, yesterday I told my husband, "Send me on my way...I'll take my stuff and recover in a hotel nearby my hospital." I've always managed quite well on my own with my dog(s). Not to sound pathetic but managing others, especially my very very moody and dependent husband is one of my bigger concerns post-surgery.

Sorry to whine but I cannot stop crying today. Didn't think my family and marital worlds would be like this at nearly 62 years of age. I'm not one to hold a pity-party but I FEEL STRESSED AND ANXIOUS today.

Surgery is Wednesday, the 30th of October. Waiting for confirmation any minute from my surgeon's office.

Any useful advice for getting through this mentally, emotionally, etc would be helpful.

THANK YOU, BoneSmart friends. I'd feel desperate if I had no place to share this.
 
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Celle

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Hi @tlfiore .

I'm sorry you feel this way, but it sounds as if you've run out of steam and patience. That's perfectly understandable.

I think every one of us who has had this surgery has felt afraid when it comes to the punch. It's a natural reaction, but most of us have found that, in spite of our fear and anxiety, things have gone smoothly.

Have a look at this article - it may help you:
Nurturing mother: how to let go and accept help

I don't want to comment on your marriage, but you may find that your husband can step up to the mark and be more helpful than you think.
If he can't, then know that we have had people here who come home after surgery, to manage on heir own, and they have done all right.
 

Celle

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Oh, I meant to check with you as well - in your last post, you said that your surgery was to be in November, but all your previous posts have said your surgery date is October 30th. Is it October?
 

Jaycey

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@tlfiore My OH is totally unsupportive when it comes to anything medical. I have just learned to live with it and get on with what I need to do. Tough I know as sometimes you would like to be able to lean on someone just for a bit.

Please know we are here for you. You will get through this and you will probably be far more independent during recovery than you are imagining. Just take it one day at a time. And if that's too much, moment to moment.
 
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tlfiore

tlfiore

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@Celle thank you for the kind, supportive words and the helpful information. I definitely will read the article you cited. "Running out of steam and patience" pretty much sums it up. And for a number of reasons, I have tremendous anxiety. And THANK YOU for pointing out the error in my post. I edited my post to reflect the correct date, which as you noted is October 30th, 2019.

@Jaycey I truly appreciate your honesty and wisdom. Yes...like everything else in life, the anticipation is oftentimes much worse than the actual event. Most of us manage to make it through. Thank you.

So, my surgeon's office just called and I'm scheduled as the first surgery of the day @ 7:30 am. I have a 6:00 am hospital arrival time. We went over the usual stuff, particularly the in-dwelling saphenous and femoral pain catheter(s) that will be left in place post-operatively x 3 days. The nurse who called said, "The indwelling catheters et al only relieve about 40% of the post-op pain...I'll be sent home with a cocktail of other meds, including narcotics for pain, etc, etc."

We talked about my anxiety and how I am too ashamed and fearful to ask for help. Nurse also said, "PLEASE tell Dr Williams (my surgeon) about my anxiety and home situation...he will give me something to aid anxiety and facilitate rest/sleep, if necessary." I already had a call from social services, who will also stop by to help set stuff up, if necessary.

So, there we are.
 

Jaycey

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@tlfiore Staff totally understand anxiety and stress. They will do everything they can to make you comfortable. Please do ask for help.

First up the day of surgery - perfect. A fresh team and you will be done early and enjoy lunch!
 

Atlas_aus

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@tlfiore ,

Very sorry to hear of your distress and other issues. Well you have ended up at the right place, plenty of loving, caring and knowledgeable people here to get you through. :) I was fortunate to have my Wife take care of me throughout this journey.

Not sure if you have home nursing services like we do here but that might be something that will assist. I have read plenty of stories of those that have gone it alone and they managed very well.

Setting up a 'nest' maybe useful as others have done here. Just remember in those first weeks post surgery you don't need to do too much other than rest, elevate and ice.

I am now 5 months post BTKR and have been very lazy on purpose and gave my poor body time to heal itself. I also 'listened' to my body and when it said it was sore I stopped. I added things gradually and this has worked a treat for me.

So glad I have had it done.

Best of luck.
 

Sara61

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@tlfiore Pre-surgery nerves are common for everyone I drove my hubby round the bend with my constant concerns and worries about how after would be - like you I was the independent rock.
However I think once they are aware that you are poorly something clicks my husband changed for the 1st two weeks was very attentive and helpful.
As with most non retirees he still had to work so daytime I had my dogs for company plenty of tv and books - skipping to week 3 he now thinks 'I'm able and capable of doing most things I don't get as much attention haha
One thing I think helps is we sleep in separate rooms I suggested it prior to the op as he is a light sleeper and I a restless one I knew that after surgery from what I gathered on here that nights would be disrupted so at least he gets a good night sleep this help as there is nothing worse for a relationship when one is tired ... plus it's bliss not to listen to him snoring ha ha :zzz: although I since discovered my daschund snores too and she has taken his half of the bed :eyebrows: so if this is a possibility might be a good idea xx
Many people manage on their own and if it comes to that you will be fine too - women are far better coping then men and I always tease him saying - what comes around goes around ...who knows when they need our help x
Wishing you a good Op tomorrow (30/10) and lots of hugs xx
Keep us updated and reach out if you need someone to chat xx
 
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tlfiore

tlfiore

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@Atlas_aus thank you for taking the time out to reply to my thread. Now begins the big countdown to Wednesday morning, so I'm focused with lots to do, plenty on my mind. I've been in the process of setting up my "nest" because we have about 15 stairs to our second level bedrooms, so I've been advised against making that trek, several times a day. Lots to do tonight with final house prep, packing, showering, etc. Thank you again for the encouragement.

@Sara61 I read your post with great interest. Seems like we have much in common! My husband has sleep apnea and other woes, so we've slept separately for a while; however I will be setting up a temporary "bed" on our first level due to stair issues. You are correct that one of the many positive aspects of our independence is the "get-up-and-can-do" attitude, which I think helps in many situations.

Strong independence can be a lonely spot. I imagine I cannot blame others for their willingness to tap into that trait...we train people well.

I also have a 21 lb Havanese Dog Ernie, who is a snorer...he is something else. Ernie and my felines will be good company, as my husband must return to work within one week. Thank you for your kind and helpful words.
 

Sara61

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@tlfiore hope that today op was successful and not too stressful - wishing you a smooth recovery and minimal pain- keep us updated on your progress- sending you hugs xxx
 

marieltha

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Your Nurse Cats and Nurse Dog will get you through.
Best wishes!
 

InkedMarie

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I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much. I hope all went well yesterday.
 

Helizabug

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Like others, I hope you’re recovering well. I also hope you’re attending to your mental and emotional health, whether or not your husband is rising to the occasion. Everything is tied together, and healing on one front goes better with healing on all fronts.

That said, my husband and I have cared for each other through some big knee surgeries a few times, and one thing that helped, on a practical level, was to build ‘practices that took some of the guess work and potential mishaps out of the mix. For example, I put a box inside a grocery bag and brought up his coffee thermos, his favorite cup, the newspaper, and meals in it. It was sturdy enough that I could leave it by the bed if he was sleeping, and he could pull it up when he wanted it. I set an alarm on my watch, so I could work downstairs and know I wouldn’t forget to check on him. And texting let us communicate needs, so I didn’t have to make two trips on my own bad knee to learn what he needed and fetch what he needed. For me as the caregiver, it gave me confidence that I could do it pretty well.

Sometimes it’s hard to take care of the best caregiver in the house because the bar is set so high and the learning curve might seem too steep to even try.

And, all that being said, you deserve that care, not just because you’re the best caregiver in the house, but also because you’re human. That’s a lesson we all need to learn for ourselves and each other.
 

Gretelin

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Well, tlfiore. I went through the same thing with my husband even in the surgery bed we had it. What it is you have to let everything slide. He is just nervous and anxious. At least my husband was he was nervous and super anxious about my surgery. I was cool and calm like a cucumber. I was just praying inside of me when he was reacting in that way. But dont understimate God can take the control and change things around. My THR was Nov.5, 2019 and ever since we came home on the 8th of Nov
Hes been treating me like a princess.Give him some time to adjust to these changes. Everything will get better you will see. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and ypu shall find
Much love, Gretelin
 

Gretelin

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Sara61 hope all gets better honey I know how hurtful his gestures can be especially now that we are very sensible do to a major surgery. I can relate with you. My husband has made a whole turned around to be better. He does practically everything for me. An advice if you have not had surgery yet taking him with you to the surgeons visit and tell the surgeon to let your husband carry a prothesis sample that he has in the room. I t works wonders when he actually touches it, carries it. Tell the surgeon to explain in details and is ok its actually great if the OS gets a litlle graphic. Your husbands demeanor is going to change. Pray a lot and ask God for your husband to have a little compassion for you. Thats what I prayed and God granted it. Many Blessings to you. Much Love, Gretelin
 

sondrals

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I know you're on the other side now but I think we all kind of go through this. Some of us have supportive significant others, some don't. Some have supportive families, some don't.

My bf and mother got into a huge blowout after I had surgery, she now refuses to come to my house or be around him. I am supposed to have my second surgery in December, this time without her "help." She (and he) meant well but it ended up being kind of a disaster just because of their personalities.

Between my high anxiety and his worry there have been several nasty fights, but I think in the end it's because they are worried about us. My bf literally broke out into tears when he saw I made it through surgery ok. Turns out for some reason he thought I wasn't going to wake up.

I, like you, have always gotten along just fine, me and the dogs. To need help is very difficult. I even threatened to go to rehab if people don't behave this time. But in reality my bf stepped up, and while not perfect, most the time he gets upset at me for doing too much, bless his heart.
 

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