- Aug 31, 2017
- United Kingdom
You made me laugh Merrimay but I also felt your support. Thank you. Like you I am usually a very outgoing and supportive person. I laughed because I had some similar thoughts, especially about now being an old woman with a permanent disability! In my panic I even went online to look up retirement properties!! ....but I don't think my cat would eat me!!For me, what was triggered was not just worry over breaking protocol or dislocation or simply not being able to survive recovery on my own. Instead I spiralled into some hell-narrative about permanent disability -- and worse -- aging. If I fell, whose arms would help me get up? If I screamed, who would know? I chose not to remarry after my divorce, so I began thinking: maybe I should have hung in so my spouse would help me to the bathroom. I never wanted children, but maybe I should have bitten the bullet so they could clean my kitchen now.
Fortunately, I quickly got over that narcissistic thinking, but I still felt small in the universe and imprisoned in my home, unseen and terribly vulnerable. I'm outgoing and sociable and volunteer in my community. But now all I could see was a very old woman...forgotten and dying alone. It was terrifying, and I cried for two days and nights. How many weeks would pass until they found my body? Would my animals starve or... eat my corpse?????? I'm serious -- I thought these things.
How are you doing now? And what stage are you at in your recovery?