Jill0606
junior member
Hi All,
I leave for Boston later today and admitted to the hospital tomorrow morning for surgery in the afternoon. This is my third (yep... count 'em 3!!) L TKR (or total revision) in 26 months.
The first one I was actually excited for, as it was a long time coming, and I had high hopes (as we all do) that things would go fabulously and I'd be a new woman! When that didn't happen... 17 months later I found myself facing a second total knee. That time I was hopeful the TKR would help with the pain and maybe give me even a little bit more function. While it helped with the hip and back pain (not the knee pain unfortunately), my function didn't improve. In fact, here we are 9 months later and I'm still trying to get back to the 70 degrees flexion I had prior to the second surgery.
Now here I am... the day before my third replacement and I'm putting it out there... I'm scared this time. I'm not sharing this feeling with my family and friends at home, because no one has quite understood why I haven't been more scared about most of my previous 17 orthopedic surgeries (I'm more the type of person who just feels... let's get in there and get it done!) . If I tell them I'm scared, then they will be even further concerned for me.
I've laid awake the past couple of nights... making my lists, pre-planning for everything at home after, etc. You all know the drill. I'm trying to figure out where my fear this time is coming from. Is it because it seems if there is even the most minute chance of a "fluke" thing happening... it seems to find me? Is it because starting this entire process over again-AGAIN (as my friend says) from square one makes me feel like the last nine months (or 26 months) of pain, PT, co-pays, etc have been for nothing? (Some say the 3rd time is the charm, right?) Is it because I don't have my dad looking out for me post-op this time? (Dad passed away a few months ago. My family has lived with him for the last 21 years, and he's always looked after me after my surgery while my husband worked, and boys were in school). Is it because with this third TKR my doctor is beginning to run out of options, should something else go wrong in the future? Is it because I'm worried about the flu epidemic in Boston at the present time? Maybe I'm just scared because I haven't packed yet???
This surgery was planned very quickly, not giving me too much time to grind on it and get used to it. I had a couple of months with each of the first two surgeries. Regardless of the reason, I am scared (which for me is different than being nervous-which is how I typically feel beforehand) this time, which is a new pre-op feeling for me. My expectations are in tact, as I know this isn't a "miracle" surgery and won't fix the underlying nerve damage or quad weakness/loss of function - it's being done because of the lateral ligament that gave way and I need a more stable knee in there now.
As always, thank you for reading. I've said it before... tapping my thoughts out on the keyboard here is like therapy... I feel better and maybe even a bit more relaxed knowing again that at least a few of you know what I'm feeling. I'm off to pack and make a few meals for the fridge for my boys while I am gone. I will check in when I get back over the weekend. I hope you all have a great day... and that maybe today is a low-pain day for anyone in chronic pain.
~Jill
I leave for Boston later today and admitted to the hospital tomorrow morning for surgery in the afternoon. This is my third (yep... count 'em 3!!) L TKR (or total revision) in 26 months.
The first one I was actually excited for, as it was a long time coming, and I had high hopes (as we all do) that things would go fabulously and I'd be a new woman! When that didn't happen... 17 months later I found myself facing a second total knee. That time I was hopeful the TKR would help with the pain and maybe give me even a little bit more function. While it helped with the hip and back pain (not the knee pain unfortunately), my function didn't improve. In fact, here we are 9 months later and I'm still trying to get back to the 70 degrees flexion I had prior to the second surgery.
Now here I am... the day before my third replacement and I'm putting it out there... I'm scared this time. I'm not sharing this feeling with my family and friends at home, because no one has quite understood why I haven't been more scared about most of my previous 17 orthopedic surgeries (I'm more the type of person who just feels... let's get in there and get it done!) . If I tell them I'm scared, then they will be even further concerned for me.
I've laid awake the past couple of nights... making my lists, pre-planning for everything at home after, etc. You all know the drill. I'm trying to figure out where my fear this time is coming from. Is it because it seems if there is even the most minute chance of a "fluke" thing happening... it seems to find me? Is it because starting this entire process over again-AGAIN (as my friend says) from square one makes me feel like the last nine months (or 26 months) of pain, PT, co-pays, etc have been for nothing? (Some say the 3rd time is the charm, right?) Is it because I don't have my dad looking out for me post-op this time? (Dad passed away a few months ago. My family has lived with him for the last 21 years, and he's always looked after me after my surgery while my husband worked, and boys were in school). Is it because with this third TKR my doctor is beginning to run out of options, should something else go wrong in the future? Is it because I'm worried about the flu epidemic in Boston at the present time? Maybe I'm just scared because I haven't packed yet???
This surgery was planned very quickly, not giving me too much time to grind on it and get used to it. I had a couple of months with each of the first two surgeries. Regardless of the reason, I am scared (which for me is different than being nervous-which is how I typically feel beforehand) this time, which is a new pre-op feeling for me. My expectations are in tact, as I know this isn't a "miracle" surgery and won't fix the underlying nerve damage or quad weakness/loss of function - it's being done because of the lateral ligament that gave way and I need a more stable knee in there now.
As always, thank you for reading. I've said it before... tapping my thoughts out on the keyboard here is like therapy... I feel better and maybe even a bit more relaxed knowing again that at least a few of you know what I'm feeling. I'm off to pack and make a few meals for the fridge for my boys while I am gone. I will check in when I get back over the weekend. I hope you all have a great day... and that maybe today is a low-pain day for anyone in chronic pain.
~Jill